Beyond Respect Between Spouses: Love

A marital relationship is not just about mutual respect. Respect is the first step but the ultimate goal is for a husband to love his wife as himself. There is no limit to the desired closeness of hearts. Perhaps this is why even the angels sought to strengthen love, as in the story of Abraham and Sarah, they asked, "Where is Sarah your wife?" to endear her to her husband, as explained by Rashi (Genesis 18:9). The Pele Yoetz, in the chapter 'Love Between Man and Woman', wrote that it's imperative to have 'intense love'.

This obligation is already mentioned in Maimonides (Laws of Marriage, Chapter 15, Law 19), where the sages command to love one's wife as himself. The Ben Ish Chai (Laws of Women, Chapter 9) added that as love increases between them, blessings increase [as the sages promised (Bava Metzia 59a) that blessing only dwells in a person’s home because of their wife]. This is also stated by the Maharal (Gevurot Hashem, Chapter 43).

Does Love Just Happen?

The guiding principle for creating a loving relationship with one's spouse is understanding that it cannot happen automatically. Continuous effort in nurturing the emotional bond is required. Spouses should set aside time to be together—away from the burdens of children, phones, and other external distractions. If one values nurturing the emotional bond with their spouse, they will find the time for it. This doesn't require an annual vacation but frequent moments, even short ones, without phones or commitments, like breakfast after the children are at school, or dinner when they’re asleep, or a joint walk [which also benefits physical health and binds hearts]. Thus, a stable emotional bond can develop between spouses.

Finding Quality Time

Shabbat is a time conducive for nurturing the relationship, transforming it into a unique and quality time for couples with some thought and investment. The words of the Arizal (brought in Likutei Rav Chaim Vital) say that the acronym in the verse (Exodus 31:13) "KeepMy Sabbaths" spells 'love your wife’. The natural laziness leads us to collapse from exhaustion at the end of the meal (or during it), but those who aspire to grow, understand the potential for bonding. Therefore, completing essential preparations by Thursday allows for an afternoon nap on Friday, allowing Shabbat night for precious quality time with one's wife. Saturday night can also be an excellent quality time, free from work or study schedules and not yet tiring.

[Incidentally, it’s also worthwhile to find small, beneficial quality times with children—usually, we handle them all together amidst the frenzy of daily household chores. Finding quality time with a child before they go to sleep (when they welcome any excuse to delay sleeping) or individual time with each child, focusing solely on them, even briefly, can warm and strengthen the crucial connection with the child].

Every few weeks (or months, as needed), couples should go on a one or two-day vacation without children and without the atmosphere of routine tasks’. This time significantly strengthens the bond between partners, and although simple, we are often swept away by daily pressures. For baalei teshuva (those who have returned to Jewish observance), arranging childcare can be more challenging, but it's worth the effort. Solutions like swapping childcare with close friends will undoubtedly inspire creativity to prioritize the strengthening of the marital relationship.

Love Invites Divine Presence

Those fortunate to cultivate true love in their homes have a place to go and return to, gaining immense emotional strength. They feel joy, satisfaction, self-confidence, calm, and an immense capacity to face challenges. Moreover, it is brought in the books that only through this love can a person invite the Divine Presence (see Tomer Devorah, Chapter 9). Love unifies, as manifested in the numerical value of 'love' is 'one'. Through love, the husband and wife unite into one, inviting the Divine Presence among them. As the Talmud famously states (Sotah 17a), ‘If husband and wife merit, the Divine Presence dwells between them,’ meaning if they sanctify themselves and honor each other, leading to true love, they invite the Divine's presence into their midst.

A Wife's Love as a Measure of Love for Hashem

Those who achieve genuine love for their wives, aside from the aforementioned benefits, gain a foundational understanding of love for Hashem. By recognizing and invoking the love in their hearts, they apply it to Hashem, serving as a standard for the relationship between a person and Hashem and His Torah. With success in the marital bond, reaching love and devotion, one gains a critical tool for applying this feeling toward Hashem.

As stated in the book of Chinuch (Mitzvah 418, Love of Hashem): “The matter is by way of analogy—a person should always remember the love of Hashem like one who loves his beloved intensely, eager to bring her into his home,” and also in Mesilat Yesharim (Chapter 19) it is written that love is like a powerful love for the wife of his youth. In Reshit Chochmah (end of Chapter 4, Gate of Love), it is stated that one who never desired a woman is like a donkey and worse because one must understand divine service through the tangible. In the verse, it is said (Hosea 2:21): "I will betroth you to Me forever", and it says (Isaiah 62:5): "As a young man marries a maiden, your God will rejoice over you." Maimonides (Laws of Repentance, Chapter 10, Law 3) extensively compares the path to love of Hashem to the love of a woman. He adds that Solomon used the love between a man and a woman as a metaphor for the connection between Hashem and the congregation of Israel in the Song of Songs (Rashi wrote similarly at the beginning of Proverbs). In the Mishnah (Yadayim, end of Chapter 3), it is also states that all scriptures are holy, but the Song of Songs is the holiest of holies. In the Holy of Holies in the Temple, the cherubim were intertwined to say to Israel—see your endearment before Hashem as the endearment between a male and a female.

The Love of Great Jewish Leaders for Their Wives

Some claim they never heard of great Jewish leaders being so invested in their wives, but that is a misconception from students insufficiently acquainted with their teachings. Naturally, the personal relationship was not entirely exposed to students, as not everyone followed the path of Rav Kahana (as explained in Berachot 62a) to learn all the behaviors of their rabbis in these matters.

However, with close examination, stories reveal a relationship of limitless respect and love between our sages and their wives. See the book ‘Meir Einei Yisrael’ (Volume 1, page 305; Volume 2, pages 45, and 114) for insights into the Chofetz Chaim's behaviors on this subject, and in the book Mishkan Yisrael (page 61), which described how Rabbi Akiva Eiger, the Chida, and Rabbi Yonatan Eybeschutz related to their wives and how their world collapsed at their passing. And we have seen with our own eyes among the great leaders of these generations, as already widely documented regarding Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Auerbach zt”l, Rabbi Yaakov Yisrael Kanievsky zt”l, and others. [I did not cite specific quotes from the books since a dedicated booklet would be required for this].

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