Who to Consult: The Great Rabbi or the Yeshiva Rabbi?

Just as the average secular person knows very little about the religious community, many in the religious community are equally unfamiliar with secular lifestyles. They may have some general knowledge but often fail to understand the daily habits and aspirations of secular individuals. Therefore, when someone becomes a ba'al teshuvah (returnee to religious observance), not every rabbi can comprehend where they come from, what their strengths and challenges are, or how to advise them appropriately in relation to their family dynamics.

Da'as Torah

I recall consulting a leading yeshiva head about an issue unique to ba'alei teshuvah. He listened patiently, concentrated, then said that because his path was entirely different, he needed to investigate many aspects of my past to give a serious response. He was too busy to study the issues thoroughly, and so he recommended consulting a scholar from a similar background with yirat shamayim (awe of Heaven). That scholar could better direct according to Da'as Torah for such issues. His candid response was a stark contrast to the confidence of many others I consulted, who assumed that their personal paths were universally applicable, failing to grasp the unique perspectives of different students.

Indeed, true Torah scholars are meticulous in examining all aspects before giving advice. The book 'Rabbi Yaakov' (which traces the life and work of Rabbi Yaakov Kamenetsky zt"l) illustrates this principle well. It describes how his guidance to a ba'al teshuvah was for them to continue behaving as an ordinary person, finding appropriate channels for expressing their existing personality and future aspirations without dramatically changing who they are.

Why Availability Matters

Many ba'alei teshuvah think the great rabbis know their circumstances through divine inspiration and therefore turn to them with their questions. However, these leaders are often overwhelmed with pressing issues and cannot personally engage with individuals. For this reason we should find a rabbi who, besides being knowledgeable and wise, understands the uniqueness of a ba'al teshuvah and can provide the appropriate guidance.

Even if one has yet to find such a rabbi, they cannot rely solely on their own judgment. They must present their questions clearly, ensuring no details are omitted, such as their spouse's opinion, financial capacity, emotional needs, etc., for the rabbi to grasp the full scope and implications.

Certain stringencies may isolate ba'alei teshuvah, leaving them alone on Shabbat and holidays, away from those who don't share these stringencies, creating a 'social isolation' that affects family harmony and children's education (who miss experiencing Shabbat elsewhere).

For instance, Ran, a ba'al teshuvah, recently stopped shaving his beard. He wants to grow it longer, but his wife, who is at an earlier stage of strengthening her faith, told him it was out of the question. His parents also expressed concern. Ran sought advice from a rabbi unfamiliar with his background and without sharing the details, asked the rabbi if growing his beard was important. The rabbi affirmed which led to conflicts with his wife. Had Ran consulted a rabbi aware of his delicate situation, he would have received guidance suited to him and his situation, saving his family much unnecessary distress.

In conclusion, it's advisable for anyone to consult a rabbi who is open and attentive to their concerns, aware of their overall situation, and understands their household dynamics. A guide should know when to direct decisiveness, detachment, or allow balanced acceptance of permissible activities such as art, hobbies, and pursuits not against Jewish law.

Increase Counsel, Increase Wisdom

If one hasn't found a rabbi who truly understands them, it's important not to depend solely on his own judgment, but should seek counsel from several advisors, as stated in Pirkei Avot (2:7): 'The more advice, the more understanding.' The commentary 'Ruach Chaim' by Rabbi Chaim of Volozhin explains that while an advisor cannot fully comprehend the innermost aspects, the seeker, who knows, lacks the comprehensive wisdom. Multiple perspectives add to overall understanding, considering all viewpoints. When in doubt, consulting an unbiased friend allows for more objective consideration of whether something is exaggerated or reasonable.

Are They All Exceptions?

Newly observant individuals often avoid engaging with guides they view as insufficiently religious, instead surrounding themselves with mentors who inspire in their early stages. Initially impressive, such a path later proves destructive since true tests arise ten to fifteen years later when families may dissolve or the next generation leaves.

Not All Are Copycats

Individuals born into devout families typically don't imitate the practices of others. While they express appreciation for certain revered figures or behaviors, they don't consider emulating them, their stable religious identities precluding imitation attempts.

The Talmud (Chullin 105) records several scholars acknowledging parental piety they themselves don't match. Not every behavior warrants imitation, as one cannot merely adopt revered attributes. Such actions must align with one's spiritual level and entitlement.

However, when enthusiastic ba'alei teshuvah hear admiration for certain practices, they rush to adopt them, aspiring to righteousness, ignoring the discrepancies between their spiritual starts and those of their role models.

Aware of this, many rabbis caution ba'alei teshuvah against such imitation. Yet challenges persist when these novices perceive cautionary advice as leniency, considering themselves exceptions and embracing practices far beyond their level, incapable of facilitating genuine spiritual growth.

Compromise or Ideal?

Many ba'alei teshuvah assume top spots in Heaven are reserved not for those who listened to their rabbi, but for those who emulated the actions of their rabbi. Any attempt to convince them otherwise seems a bid to label them second-tier, inconceivable for those who've sacrificed so much.

Unfortunately they fail to understand the divine love that Hashem reserves for each of us, especially for the ba'al teshuvah who bears immense struggles, battles, and bravery toward a private path of Torah adherence. Emphasizing great personal sacrifice and minimal external pressures (social standing or early conditioning), we must always recognize this truth. Hashem expects us not to erase our former selves, but to merge all aspects into our spiritual growth, not as compromise, but as the ideal path.

To purchase Rabbi Dan Tiomkin's books 'Where Ba'alei Teshuvah Stand', click here.