Small Details that Greatly Impact Your Household Harmony

There are several small details that, when neglected cumulatively, can lead to many conflicts and issues in the peace of the home. Conversely, if you pay attention to them, you'll be surprised by how much good can come from it...

The Homecoming

There is tremendous importance in the husband's behavior during the first moments he enters his home. Paying attention during these moments can lead to a fundamental improvement in the overall atmosphere of the home.

We all expect (to varying degrees) that coming home after a day of study or exhausting work, we will be greeted by a tidy and clean house, sleeping children, a waiting wife, and a hot meal. When these hopes are unmet, many of us tend to convey to the household a sense of pressure, complaints about the mess, the children, the unnecessary lights turned on, and more. Of course this negatively affects the entire atmosphere.

'When Av arrives - we diminish joy'?

We need to recognize that family members are under constant pressure at seminars and educational institutions, all seeking their home to be a pleasant and warm place that does not extend the immense social pressure outside. Everyone expects a father who does not bring with him his pressures and frustrations, nor offloads this pressure onto them, but rather a father who brings joy, pleasantness, and ease with him. Upon entering, a melodious "Hello" creates a pleasant atmosphere that positively affects the feelings of everyone at home.

When you greet your wife warmly, show her as much affection as possible, and ask her about her day, this demonstrates to her that her wellbeing is of great importance to you.

A Pleasant and Healthy Atmosphere

Those who strive for a better family life often eat something a few minutes before entering home, as this allows them to be more calm and composed, and to listen and pay attention when their wife expresses what is on her heart.

Immediately after the initial greeting and attention, it's crucial to start creating a pleasant and quiet atmosphere to address those small irritants (tidying up, checking if the children have done their homework, putting the kids to bed, etc.). In such a home, where everyone truly anticipates the father's return, this positively affects both the general mood of the parents and their ability to function throughout the day, as well as for the children, who grow up in a healthy environment that provides the warmth and security that every child needs.

Serious and Restrained at Home

Some people tend to fully identify with the persona they present publicly. Since the image displayed in society does not always reveal the lighter and more pleasant sides (or even the jovial sides) of the person, they maintain a respectful and restrained scholarly demeanor, at home which creates an unpleasant atmosphere.

A person should reserve his firmness and decisiveness for Talmudic study, where this strength is appropriate, but upon entering his home, he should remember that this is the place to show the softer aspects of himself. As found in the Talmud D.A. Zuta, Chapter 1: The ways of scholars are to be humble, kind, and beloved by everyone, consenting to family members, etc. Not imposing terror but genuinely engaging with family members. The Talmud further lists fifteen qualities of a scholar, which include gracious entering and exiting, etc.

Jewelry and Beauty

We must understand that a part of the obligation to pay attention to one's wife also involves her external appearance. A woman who feels that her husband cares about her appearance, receives legitimization for her natural desire to beautify herself. This boosts her self-esteem and capability to function properly, and as a result, the husband is then eager to fulfill his obligations joyfully and willingly. The husband must understand that he is responsible for nurturing his wife's desire to adorn herself for him, because if one does not encourage and support this natural and necessary desire of his wife, he risks her eventually neglecting herself—or turning to the street for compliments by beautifying herself for outsiders.

Sources on Beauty

For those who find such notes insufficiently religious, they can delve into several discourses where it demonstrates how ingrained this desire is in a woman's psyche, and the sages teach it to us so that we will know to encourage it. The generation of the desert was privileged that alongside the manna falling from the sky, jewelry and perfumes also descended (as explained in Yoma 75a and Rashi there). Likewise, Ezra the scribe instituted an important ordinance on this matter (Bava Kama 82b, and Shulchan Aruch Choshen Mishpat 156:6) that there should be peddlers going around towns selling women's jewelry, to make them attractive to their husbands. In the notes on the Talmud (Shabbat Page 44), there is a teaching of the Maharam of Rotenberg (Part 3, Page 199) which states, "Woe to the woman who has a husband and does not adorn herself for him." Even Rabbi Akiva's token of appreciation for his wife Rachel was through purchasing a gold ornament (as explained in Nedarim Page 50).

From here we undesrtand that it is crucial for a husband to foster his wife's natural desire to beautify herself with makeup, jewelry, and clothing, besides for the jewelry under the obligation which the husband owes his wife by Torah law (as explained in Shulchan Aruch Even HaEzer Chapter 73:3,4), and there is a special obligation to buy them during the Jewish holidays (as mentioned in Shulchan Aruch Chapter 529).

All this is included in what the sages said (Berachot 57b) "A beautiful wife broadens a man's mind," as explained by Rabbeinu Yonah (Proverbs 19:11) that thought and Torah study require a broadened perspective. Our sages also mentioned (Ketubot 59b): "A woman's beauty is central to her role." Further, they stated (Sanhedrin 100b): "A beautiful wife makes a man fortunate; his days are doubled," which Rashi explains there, that due to great pleasure, life is as if doubled. Thus we learn that beauty grants "A woman's charm upon her husband" (Sotah 47a).

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