Shidduch Guide: A Match Made in Heaven

Hello Rabbi Dan,

I am a fairly recent ba'al teshuva at age 35, who has just entered the dating world. Recently, I was matched with a 32-year-old charedi woman from a traditional background, and I'm unsure if I should meet her. I study with other people growing in faith like myself, and the most 'status-worthy' thing here seems to be marrying a charedi woman from such a background, but I'm not sure this is right due to the different mentalities. Additionally, I would greatly appreciate some guidance on how to approach dating in our community. What should I focus on and what is merely superficial?

Thank you for your response, Nadav.

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Hello Nadav, and thank you for the opportunity to address such an important topic. We will dedicate the next three articles to this topic since one article alone cannot provide a comprehensive enough response.

The matchmaking process can be a tiring and stressful period of inquiries and meetings with unclear purposes and goals, as well as struggles in distinguishing between stress, pressure, and genuine personality; between the essential and the negligible. The matchmaking period is exhausting for everyone and especially for ba'alei teshuva. This series aims to provide tools and highlight critical points often overlooked during this process.

Although everything is from Heaven and our tools are limited—since man sees only the eyes, not the heart—we, as ba'alei teshuva, struggle with self-confidence in trusting our instincts, losing a significant part of our ability to filter out unsuitable matches. In meetings, we often discuss views, repeating what we heard from our rabbis, and based on this deem the match suitable, closing the match with the cheers of eager matchmakers, only to discover great personality differences and numerous conflicts thereafter. Many of these marriages do not end well (with terrible relationships and frequent divorces). Therefore, even though everything is from Heaven, we must make proper efforts in this realm and focus on the necessary checks during meetings.

Unless otherwise specified, these points are meant for both men and women.

Patience, You Need Patience

Singles often see marriage with a 'groom arrives and it's all good' or 'bride arrives and it's all good' perspective. It is unpleasant to burst these dreams, but such views are unrealistic, hailing from Hollywood or Disneyland, where stories always seem to end with the prince finding the princess and living 'happily ever after.' Real life is different. While marriage brings great joy, it also comes with various challenges. It's not easy adapting to a new partner, taking on new financial commitments, or transforming into a family unit. With it comes a lot of responsibility; many things change, and many possibilities close up.

Therefore, it is crucial to understand that the period of singlehood is a time of preparation. Each day that you wait for your partner is not a wasted day but a day to strive in serving Hashem, reducing gossip, praying, maintaining faith, contemplating economic independence and acquiring a profession.

Even if one feels ready, sometimes the issue lies with the other side, which is still in 'renovation'. Hashem is making them more virtuous, suitable, and mature. Every delay corrects something on the other side.

The Initial Proposal Stage

It is important to understand that there is a difference between the perfect woman, and the perfect woman for me. A woman could be perfect: from an esteemed family, from a wealthy community, kind, wise, and successful, but doesn't speak my language. On paper, it's a trivial flaw, but if I only know one language, what good are her other virtues? The goal is not to rank on paper but to check for potential compatibility!

The fundamental rule here is to ensure that there isn't a stark contrast in perspectives. Many err by compromising at this stage, thinking they can change the other person but one must remember that choosing a spouse is not a neighborhood restoration project. The chances of changing others are slim, and it's not worth the effort.

For this reason, there's no point in lying about oneself. The truth, as it is, acts as a beautiful filter for unsuitable matches. I know a yeshiva student who studied for an academic degree in the evenings. He feared telling girls about the degree, thinking it would make them doubt his seriousness in Torah study. Consequently, many girls who sought someone responsible for future financial matters never knew him, and those who did meet him were those specifically looking for someone who studied all day. The way you define yourself is a natural, initial filter for unsuitable proposals. If someone can't accept who you are, it's a sign they're not suitable for you! (One caveat: there are points that should sometimes be blurred and only mentioned in more advanced meetings, but this is an exception applied in special cases only).

When doing research, there's no need to adhere to hollow and empty social definitions. I am continually amazed by the superficial questions asked about boys which typically do not reveal any genuine qualities about the boy. The most frequent question is if the boy learns a full day or a half-day which frustrates me every time because it is not clarifying at all from a quantitative perspective- sometimes half a day is six hours, and a full day, after meal times and breaks, is seven or eight hours. Also, a boy could learn a whole day because he is in a rigorous framework, yet lack love for Torah or the skills necessary to continue this. His time utilization might be poor, making his future learning unsustainable. On the other hand, a boy learning half a day might study with great diligence and sweetness and manage to integrate acquiring a profession into his daily schedule, or work for his livelihood, reflecting great seriousness. If financial hardship arises in the future, is this a man who won't flee but confront the issues and try to find solutions with his skills, working towards success? This is equally important.

Ultimately, the initial data during meetings won't matter much after marriage. Many couples debate the desired number of children or discuss political affiliations and certifications, which slightly diverts from examining the true character of the boy. To genuinely foresee the boy's seriousness - or the girl's - it's important to veer away from grand declarations and pay attention to numerous minor points along the way, such as: How does he relate to his parents? Even if they are secular, does he maintain connections, or are there familial arguments which should trigger alarms? What are his aspirations? Is he escaping from the past or severing ties? How does he regard money and efforts towards a livelihood? How does he utilize his time during holidays? Does the boy adhere to a study schedule even then? And most importantly—does he have a rabbi or a spiritual authority willing to guide him?

I'm not dismissing declarations regarding perspectives. If one person wants a television at home and for the other it's non-negotiable, it's unwise to engage. However, excessive focus on these topics is exhausting and pointless- life is dynamic and brings forth different needs which will result in joint decision-making in the future. Of primary importance is compatibility, attraction, and good communication. 

Once the inquiries are complete, and there seems to be a potential, the next stage can proceed, which we will discuss in the next issue: the first meeting.

To purchase Rabbi Dan Tyomkin's books 'Makom Sheba'alei Teshuva Omdim',click here.