Shidduch Guide: The Packaging Matters Too

In the previous article, focusing on the first meeting, we did not delve into the matter of physical appearance. We mentioned that the primary focus should be on personality and inner qualities, and as long as there is no outright rejection, it's advisable to give it a chance, try to get accustomed to it, and not dismiss based on outward looks alone.

As things progress to the second and third meetings, we need to balance the picture and highlight the importance of physical attraction. Since there is a tendency to downplay exterior appearances, especially among inward-focused individuals like ba'alei teshuva, it is worthwhile to dedicate an article to this subject.

Maimonides, in his Mishneh Torah, opens the laws of marriage (Chapter 1, Halacha 1) with a description of the way marriages were conducted before the giving of the Torah, which relied solely on the mutual desire of the couple to live together, moving later in Halacha 2 to the method of kedushin practiced after the giving of the Torah, which includes obligatory marital acquisition. Many commentators are puzzled. Why did Maimonides feel it necessary to document the situation before the Torah was given when he wrote long after the Torah was presented? Before the giving of the Torah, one could eat without ritual slaughter, without checking food for worms, without tithing and without blessing after the meal. What place does such a description have in a book of halacha?

There are two levels in the quality of the connection between a couple. There is a first level of connection between a man and a woman, based on desire alone. This is the natural connection that existed even before the Torah was given. The Torah did not come to nullify this connection, but to add another layer to it- a layer of marital acquisition that ensures the relationship is not solely based on material interests, which by nature tend to change. The fact that there is something intrinsic in the quality of connection between a couple does not disappear, but continues to influence the relationship even after the Torah was given, which is why Maimonides thought it necessary to tell us about it.

Since choosing a partner is not a logical decision but also includes the physical elements within us, these aspects should also be considered. Among many single ba'alei teshuva, this may seem like a secular, foreign consideration detached from the Torah, but when we examine the sources, we find that this is not the case.

The Gemara in Tractate Kiddushin (41a), states that even if theoretically one could betroth a woman through a messenger, there is a prohibition to betroth a woman without seeing her because of the commandment "Love your neighbor as yourself." Perhaps when he sees her, she will not be pleasing to him, he will want to divorce her, and she will be distressed. Perhaps this foundation caused Rabbi Chaim Vital, the student of the Arizal, to write (in Shaar HaLekutim, Parashat Ekev) as follows: "Man lives on every word of Hashem" (Deuteronomy 8:3) – through the woman. The intention is that he can fulfill all mitzvahs, because if he loves his wife as himself, he fulfills "Love your neighbor as yourself," which includes the entire Torah.

The essence of the mitzvah "Love your neighbor as yourself" is not only through acts of kindness with neighbors, but between a man and his wife. To fulfill this mitzvah excellently, with all the obligations it entails, one must perform them not only out of duty, but joyfully, and this requires acknowledgment of the exterior dimension. Whoever ignores this and betroths a woman through a messenger violates a strict prohibition!

The esteemed Rabbi Nebenzahl, Rabbi of the Old City of Jerusalem, summarized this in his book (Conversations on the Book of Numbers, p. 144) and wrote: There is one case where the intellect alone should not determine, and the desire should be prioritized when one is offered a shidduch: Even if the girl is from a distinguished family, of delicate spirit, God-fearing, kind, and has excellent character traits – if her appearance is repelling to him – he should not marry her! For this reason, it is prohibited to betroth a woman until he sees her (Kiddushin 41). In this case, the intellect should not prioritize her good attributes over the outer appearance, and he should not say "Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain," because if he marries thinking "this will resolve over time," he will be unable to fulfill the commandment of "Love your neighbor as yourself" with his wife.

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Among many couples experiencing issues in shalom bayit, they express that during the dating period, they underestimated the issue of external appearance, thinking that it was insufficiently religious to consider such details and therefore compromised by choosing a partner who did not truly match their taste. At the start of the marriage, they managed to deal with this, but eventually, the issue resurfaced. We won't discuss the already existing issues among married couples here, but when choosing a shidduch, it's certainly important not to underestimate this aspect, ensuring you choose a partner that matches in appearance, creating curiosity, favorability, attraction, and even 'butterflies in the stomach.' This is truly important.

During the second or third meeting, one should pay attention to physical attraction. Sometimes a personality can exude great charm, sparking considerable attraction, but, if by the second or third meeting no attraction develops, and the issue of appearance is bothersome and burdensome, this is a real concern that must be addressed.

It's important to reiterate that the aforementioned concerns the conduct before marriage. As in various areas of halacha, there's a significant difference between the conduct of "lechatchila" (ideal) and "bediavad" (after the fact), similarly, there's a difference between pre-marriage and post-marriage conduct. In monetary laws, for instance, when judges come to rule, they don't only investigate the deed itself but give significant consideration to who currently holds the money, because 'the one extracting from his fellow must bring proof.' Likewise, one of a husband's obligations to his wife in the ketubah is to spend a fortune on her medical needs if she becomes ill, Heaven forbid, but we wouldn't suggest because of this to be dismissive about a problematic health situation. In the same vein regarding physical attraction: If already married, there is significant work that can be done, both spiritually (prayer!!!) and through effort (a topic for another article). But this doesn't mean one should disregard problematic factors concerning attraction, especially when it is clear and evident that this element is lacking during the advanced stages of dating.

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