"I Feel Like a Prisoner in This Relationship"

"During the week he's busy with his career, and on weekends - with his hobbies. I don't even fit into his circle of friends. It's so much easier living alone!", Miri complained.

"I really don't understand what she wants from me. Just because she doesn't have a life, doesn't mean I have to give up mine", Eliyahu responded angrily.

"Do you understand? He doesn't even feel the pain I have about this whole relationship that doesn't really exist," Miri turned to me this time.

"Do you think that if she finds a hobby she loves, it will improve her situation and give her more interest in life?", Eliyahu asked me in response.

"No," I answered.

"Then I'm sorry to say, I can't continue like this. I feel like a prisoner in jail."

"I'd be happy to help you try to break free from this feeling and understand things differently. It's important to understand that there are dynamic changes in our emotional positioning within the relationship, and we want to channel these changes in the best possible way so that the relationship can build. These are emotional states that greatly affect the couple's structure."

"What do you mean by states?", Miri asked.

"There are 3 states of positioning within a relationship:

A. Back to back

B. Side by side

C. Face to face.

"The most survival-driven and worst state, where we can say that a relationship almost doesn't exist, is the state of back to back. This is a state where either the couple initially had no trust in the ability of a true relationship, or they reached despair in themselves and in each other, and so each one develops a life and world of their own. Each looks in a different direction.

"When you're positioned like this, you know you're married and carry all these binding commitments (in your case, like a prisoner), but on an emotional level, you can't truly feel married."

"That's exactly what I'm fighting against. I'm not willing to continue like this," Miri got angry.

"You're not willing to accept this back-to-back situation, and your anger is you turning your face towards Eliyahu. The great frustration is that Miri finds you're still turning your back on her, engrossed in your world."

"How am I supposed to change the situation? What am I supposed to do?", Eliyahu asked.

"You need to turn your face towards her. Develop a deep and sensitive awareness of what she's going through, listen to her, and identify her needs.

"And you, Miri, I continue to encourage you not to give up, keep looking into the relationship despite all the frustration. Eventually, he will awaken and turn around. Don't be dragged into this arena."

"Do you feel I need to help more at home? Be a better partner?", he asked her.

"I'm not looking for a partner, I'm looking for a spouse," Miri responded.

"Wait, but partnership is already a better state than back-to-back," I answered.

"What is a partnership state?", Eliyahu asked.

"It's a state where the couple stands side by side, just like under the wedding canopy, looking in the same direction. You have shared visions and desires that connect you, and you can manage a household and make decisions together. This is mainly logistical, like business partners, with a lot of mutual respect and a pleasant atmosphere."

"Yes, that's exactly what I want. Help us get there," he said.

"The problem is there isn't depth in the relationship, and it doesn't allow real building. When your kids leave, you'll discover that the whole relationship was about operating the home, and suddenly you'll realize you need to get to know a person from scratch, build a close and deep emotional connection."

"Then I would prefer to meet someone new, who hasn't hurt me so much and with whom there aren't so many grievances," Miri responded.

"I actually see Danny and Rina, they have a successful and respectful partnership, and it seems their relationship is perfect," Eliyahu said in response to what I said.

"Many times, from the outside, it seems like a perfect relationship, but there's no true heartfelt friendship, rather a business friendship. This state often reflects a kind of escape. The couple is very busy, on the one hand, with all the operational aspects of managing the business, but they don't really deal with themselves and the relationship. A good relationship is the ability to develop a strong emotional friendship with the person closest to me."

"So how do we reach this good relationship?", Eliyahu asked.

"The perfect state to strive for in a relationship is the state of face to face. This is a state of unity, becoming one person.

"Under the wedding canopy, we're always turned from side by side to face to face. It's a state where you learn to identify the needs, weaknesses, and desires of your partner, and manage to see them as unique, infinite people."

"But how, practically, is this supposed to manifest?", Eliyahu asked.

"Practically, it should manifest in your free time (after completing your operational duties at home) being shared between you. Some of your free time is around Miri's world, and some of the time is around your world, Eliyahu."

"What frustrates me is that we're always just around her world, and she's constantly trying to change me accordingly," Eliyahu complained.

"Miri needs to learn to let you be who you are, and also learn to adjust, improve, and optimize communication and relationship positioning. Out of desperation and a sense of lack of cooperation, she's pulling you into a mold and trying to change you, and this needs to be corrected," I explained.

"So what am I supposed to do if there's no cooperation here?"

"We will learn together how to develop a face-to-face relationship, an inclusive system that will make you one complete person, to be attentive and sensitive to each other's needs," I explained.

"What do you mean by 'being attentive'?", Eliyahu asked.

"For example, before you sit somewhere, see if there's a place for Miri to sit. Before you go to work, hobbies, or a friends' meeting, check how Miri is doing. Is she okay? Does she need anything? Maybe she needs your presence?

"In this state, you learn to agree to rely on the good abilities Miri has, and to use them in areas where you struggle.

"When you truly feel that you are one unit, you can't be happy and joyful when Miri is sad. That's why all the decisions you make, you don't make them independently, but together with Miri, because she is naturally affected by every decision you make on your own, because you are one unit, and every move affects the entire unit."

Hanna Dayanhanna.tipul@gmail.com

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