The Table Was Set—And Her Husband Noticed Every Detail

Rabbi Reuven Elbaz, Rosh Yeshiva of "Or HaChaim", writes in his beautiful book Meshocheini Acharecha about the importance of expressing gratitude. Gratitude isn’t just about being polite. It's something deeper—it shapes who we are. Rabbi Elbaz teaches that the main reason we must give thanks isn’t only for the benefit of the person who helped us—but for ourselves. A person who doesn’t thank others slowly becomes ungrateful in all areas of life, even toward Hashem.

He explains that Hashem didn’t allow Moses to strike the sand during the plagues in Egypt. Why? Because even the sand had helped him once—when it hid the Egyptian he had struck. From this, we learn that developing a true sense of gratitude is essential. Even to inanimate objects! And all the more so to people.

Rabbi Elbaz shares that he learned this trait from his teacher, Rabbi Meir Rubman, Rosh Yeshiva of "Tiferet Yisrael", where he studied in his youth. Gratitude, he says, grows out of humility. A humble person understands that no one owes them anything. When a person feels that everything they receive is a gift, they naturally want to say thank you—not only to people but to Hashem as well.

But someone who doesn’t work on themselves may walk around with a sense of entitlement—thinking, "Of course my wife cooked dinner," or, "Naturally my parents should help me." That kind of thinking blocks gratitude and leads to bitterness. But a humble heart is open and grateful.

The Gemara (Berachot 58b) says something so beautiful: A good guest walks into someone's home and says, “Wow! Look how much effort my host made for me—so much food and care, all for me!” But a bad guest says, “Eh, I ate a piece of bread. He did this all for himself and his kids.”

Rabbi Elbaz explains: Our job is to train ourselves to be like that good guest. To feel the goodness done for us—to notice it—and to be moved to say thank you. It doesn’t matter if others also benefitted. The point is, someone did something kind for you. And that deserves gratitude.

He shares a beautiful story. One Shabbat, he was a guest in the home of a prominent Rosh Yeshiva. When they came home from shul (synagogue), the Shabbat table was set so beautifully. The husband turned to his wife and said warmly, “I’ve been in the fanciest hotels—and none of them come close to your table! The care and beauty you put into it amaze me every week.”

And Rabbi Elbaz adds, “I'm sure he says this to her every Shabbat. And you know what? We should do the same.” Imagine the joy a woman feels when her husband notices her efforts and expresses it. A little compliment can make a world of difference. “Wow, what a table you set!” “How delicious this is!” “I appreciate what you did.” These words lift the soul.

The Chazon Ish, one of the great Torah sages of the last century, taught that a woman’s greatest joy is to find favor in her husband’s eyes. When he tells her, “You did something wonderful,” it fills her with strength. But when he criticizes or picks at her—“You didn’t do this right,” or, “You failed”—the pain can be deep and lasting.

Gratitude is not just for big things. We should start with the people closest to us—our wives, husbands, children, and parents. And yes, it should be said out loud. A person who doesn’t feel entitled will recognize the effort that went into every meal, every clean shirt, every small act of kindness—and will say thank you.

Rabbi Elbaz reminds us that good character traits are the foundation of growing in Torah and in our relationship with Hashem. Without humility and gratitude, a person can learn Torah for years and still remain distant from true spiritual growth. But with humility comes awareness, appreciation, and ultimately a heart full of thanks to Hashem for everything.

When someone does a kindness for you, take it personally. Thank them. And let that feeling carry you upward—to recognize all the goodness Hashem showers upon us each day.