Kindness at Home: 5 Stories from the late Rabbi Nosson Wachtfogel

1. Rabbi Nosson Wachtfogel zt"l, the Mashgiach (spiritual guide) of Lakewood Yeshiva, was not only a brilliant Torah scholar—he was also known for his deep respect for others. “A person can study Torah with great diligence his whole life,” he once said, “but if he doesn’t treat people with honor, he’s missing the point.” The Mashgiach explained that someone who only thinks of himself lives in a kind of personal prison, disconnected from those around him. True greatness, he said, begins when we step outside of ourselves and care about others.

2. Before his wedding, a student asked Rabbi Nosson how he could keep growing in his avodas Hashem (service of God) after marriage. The Mashgiach gave a heartfelt answer: “Working on your middos (character traits) at home is powerful spiritual work. Speak gently. Think of your wife’s needs. Make her happy—this is true spiritual growth.” He explained that a young man often thinks mostly about himself, but marriage means learning to think about another person’s feelings. “You don’t need to let her lead you,” he said kindly, “but you must care about what she feels.”

3. Once someone asked him how to raise children properly. Rabbi Nosson’s answer was clear and simple: “There should be no anger in the home!” He emphasized how vital peace and calm are in the home environment. This idea was one of the foundations of the Mussar (Jewish ethical development) teachings in the Kelm Yeshiva, where they trained themselves to do everything with quietness and peace of mind.

4. When someone in the house would raise their voice or yell, Rabbi Nosson wouldn’t scold or correct them harshly. Instead, he would start to softly sing, using the tune often used when studying Mussar: “Train yourself to speak all your words calmly to every person, and through this you will be saved from anger.” This gentle, loving approach helped bring peace back to the home in the most beautiful way.

5. The Mashgiach didn’t just teach these lessons—he lived them with every fiber of his being. His family shared that when his children were young, he never punished them right away after they did something wrong. Instead, he would wait until the next day, just to make sure that he wasn’t reacting out of anger, but from calm, thoughtful parenting. One day, after his usual immersion in the mikveh (ritual bath) before prayer, Rabbi Nosson surprised his attendant by going back to the mikveh after prayers as well. When asked why, he replied, “I became angry at someone earlier, and I want to return to Hashem with a pure heart.” His words weren’t dramatic—but they revealed his beautiful inner world and his constant desire to grow and purify himself.