The Real Reason Why Taking Revenge Is Forbidden

The Prohibition of Taking Revenge and Bearing a Grudge

"You shall not take revenge and you shall not bear a grudge against the members of your people; you shall love your fellow as yourself: I am Hashem" (Vayikra 19:18)

These two mitzvot outlawing the taking of revenge and bearing a grudge are fundamental to human relationships. The commandment against taking revenge forbids acts of vengeance toward another Jewish person, while the commandment against bearing a grudge prohibits harboring feelings of resentment toward them.

Do Not Take Revenge

This commandment forbids taking revenge on someone who has wronged you. For example, if you asked someone for help with something and they turned you down, you are forbidden to refuse their future request with the intention of treating them the same way as they treated you.

The Midrash relates an example of such prohibited behavior (Sifra Kedoshim 4:11). If you asked someone  to borrow their sickle (a tool for harvesting grain) and they refused, and the next day that same person asks to borrow your ax, refusing by saying, "I won't lend to you just as you didn't lend me your sickle" is considered revenge.

Do Not Bear a Grudge

This commandment requires us to overcome any feelings of resentment we may have toward others. For example, if you asked someone for help with something and they refused -- and the next day they ask for your help, you should agree without reminding them of their previous refusal. If you help while saying, "I'm helping you despite the fact that you didn't help me," you are violating the prohibition against bearing a grudge, even if you didn't actively take revenge.

Here too, the Midrash (Sifra Kedoshim 4:11) provides an example: If you asked someone to borrow their sickle and they refused, and the next day that person asks to borrow your ax, telling them, "Here it is, and I'm not like you who didn't lend me your sickle" is bearing a grudge. 

A Deeper Perspective

The Sefer HaChinuch explains some of the deeper meanings of the commandment:

The goal is for a person to recognize that everything that happens to them, good or bad, is from Hashem. No one can harm them against the Creator's will. Therefore, when someone causes pain or harm to another person, they should acknowledge that this happened due to their own sins, and that the Creator decreed this suffering. Thus, there is no place for revenge against the person who harmed them because they were merely an agent of Hashem due to the victim's own sins.

"A person should know and take to heart that everything that happens to him, whether good or bad, comes from Hashem. And nothing happens via the hand of another person unless this is Hashem's will. Therefore, when someone causes him pain or suffering, he should know within his soul that his sins brought this about and that Hashem decreed this upon him, and he should not set his thoughts on revenge, for that person is not the cause of his misfortune, but rather sin is the cause.

"As King David said (Samuel II 16:11) [when a man heaped abuse upon him], 'Let him alone and let him curse, for Hashem has told him to.' He attributed the matter to his own sin and not to Shimi ben Gera."