Verbal Abuse: How to Avoid Using Words That Hurt

The Prohibition of Verbal Abuse

"You shall not wrong one another, but you shall fear your God, for I am Hashem your God" (Vayikra 25:17).

The mitzvah prohibiting verbal abuse requires us to be very careful with our words. We must avoid saying anything that might hurt others, insult, embarrass, or cause them distress and anguish -- even in jest or by implication. This brings us to appreciate the power of words to significantly affect a person's soul.

In Sefer HaChinuch (Mitzvah 338), one of the reasons for this commandment is explained:

"The root of this commandment is known to be to bring peace among people, and great is peace, for with it blessing is found in the world, and harsh is division, as many curses and many mishaps depend on it."

Peace is the foundation of blessing in the world; when there is peace, there is blessing and abundance. In contrast, discord leads to tension and distress. Therefore, we must do our utmost to maintain good relationships and peace between people by being careful to speak respectfully.

Hurting with Words is Worse Than Causing Financial Harm

The Sefer HaChinuch continues with the words of our Sages: "Verbal mistreatment is worse than financial fraud" – why?

When someone deceives another financially, although it is forbidden, it is possible to measure the damage and make amends. Verbal mistreatment, however, causes emotional damage which is impossible to assess and very hard to undo. Hurtful words can cause pain, shame, and feelings of worthlessness which can endure for years and even decades.

Therefore, regarding verbal abuse, the Torah tells us, "And you shall fear your God." This emphasizes the need for fear of Heaven when it comes to hurtful speech. Even if there are no witnesses or evidence of the damage caused, Hashem knows and sees everything. 

Practical Examples for Fulfilling This Mitzvah

Sefer HaChinuch mentions several examples:

"If someone was not always religiously observant, one should not say to him, 'Remember your former deeds.'"

When interacting with someone who is now religious but was not always, we should avoid mentioning their former actions in a way that might hurt them or cause them embarrassment. (In general, embarrassing someone in public for a mistake they made or reminding them of shameful events from their past is also forbidden due to other Torah prohibitions.) We should avoid making mocking or stinging remarks, even in jest.

"If he has fallen ill, one should not say to him as Job's friends said (Job 4:6), 'Is not your fear of God your confidence?'"

If someone suffers from illness or other troubles, one should not tell them that they are to blame and that their sins or lack of fear of Heaven brought their suffering upon them. Such statements will likely add to their sorrow and emotional burden. Even if one intends via one's words to prompt the person to mend their ways, one should still refrain from hurtful speech.

"If one sees donkey drivers seeking grain, one should not say to them, 'Go to so-and-so,' knowing that he has none."

If you see someone looking for something he needs, you may not deliberately send him to someone who  doesn't have the item he is looking for.

It is forbidden to intentionally mislead people, and aside from the fact that one's words cause the person distress, this also falls under the prohibition of deceit.

"And one should not say to a merchant, 'How much is this item?' when one has no intention of buying it."

One should not enter a store and ask the storekeeper how much an item costs if one has no intention of buying it. This is deceptive, as it may mislead the merchant and cause him to think you intend to buy, which can lead to him wasting time with you and then disappointment.

Additional Examples from Daily Life:

Purchasing a product: If someone has invested money in a product and cannot return it to the store, you should avoid telling them that the product is defective or of poor quality etc. Instead, try to find something positive to say.

Personal sharing: If someone shares their distress or personal problems with you, listen patiently and don't diminish the validity of their feelings. Also, pay attention to your body language when talking to people. Sometimes, even facial expressions or gestures can hurt others' feelings.

Online responses: Avoid defamation, insults, and offensive responses on the internet and social media. Avoid speaking in an offensive or derogatory way about people's opinions, even if they are very different from your own. Remember that behind every profile there is a person with feelings.

Constructive criticism: When there is a need to provide criticism, do so in a respectful and constructive manner, emphasizing encouragement and improvement, even when dealing with service providers or people we don't know personally. It's important to be aware of the emotional vulnerabilities of the people around us and try not to hurt them.

Don't compare: Avoid comparing people, especially regarding achievements, appearance, or status. Such comparisons can cause sorrow and distress.

Caution with gossip: Avoid spreading rumors and gossip about others, even if it seems to be done with humor or in jest. Gossip can hurt someone's feelings and leave emotional scars.

If in doubt as to whether you have hurt someone with your words, take the initiative and ask for their forgiveness and resolve to be more careful with your speech in the future.