Should we pretend to be happy with a friend's success even if we're jealous?

The Story

Various rumors circulated through the school hallways. Many guesses came and went, but there was still no official announcement to resolve the mystery that intrigued everyone: who would be the next principal of the school? It was no secret that the current principal would soon be retiring, and everyone was curious to know who would replace him.

David, who was one of the school's veteran teachers, also wanted to know who would be appointed principal, but he didn't dwell on the matter too much. "When the time comes, I'll know what I need to know," he thought to himself. He didn't expect the answer to be so personally challenging...

In the end, it was Jake, his friend and colleague of many years, who was appointed to the position. David was honest enough with himself to admit that he struggled to accept it. Yes, he was definitely envious. He hadn't really expected to be appointed himself, and hadn't even been aware that he would relish the appointment. But if Jake was seen as suited to the top job, then why not him?

David liked and respected Jake, but he didn't see him as any more qualified than he was. David knew, intellectually, that there was no place for envy, and that each person receives exactly what is destined for them, and no one can take what belongs to someone else. All the same, David simply felt unable to be happy for his friend.

"What should I do?" he asked his wife when he got home. "How can I make myself genuinely happy at his success? 

To his surprise, she answered simply: "I suggest you send him a large bouquet of flowers with a heartfelt message on a greeting card."

"What? No way!" objected David. "I'd feel like a fraud! How can I pretend to feel a way I don't? Even if it made him happy, it would be hypocritical."

What do you think? Is it ever appropriate to perform actions that contradict your emotions? Are there better ways to deal with the trait of envy?

A Torah Response

Waiting for one's emotions to change before taking what you intellectually know to be the right action is usually a bad idea -- simply because you'll have to wait a very long time, perhaps forever. Instead, the Torah tells us that a person can influence his emotions via his deeds.

The Sefer HaChinuch writes, "Emotions are drawn after actions." What this means for our story is that by sending his friend a gift and writing a warm letter of congratulation, David will start to feel happier for Jake, even without consciously working on his feelings.

Furthermore, when a person acts in a way that he knows is right, he receives Divine assistance and his emotions will be influenced by his deeds -- so that he won't feel like a hypocrite any longer.

***

Here are some other practical methods of dealing with envy:

* Someone who wants to overcome feelings of envy should repeat to themselves over and over: "Did Hashem make a mistake by giving my friend the position that was 'meant' for me? Certainly not. Therefore, this is Hashem's will."

* Studying Torah books that address this topic can help a person to internalize the concept that a friend's success doesn't come at your expense. Rather, it is decreed by Hashem.

* Feelings of envy usually exist despite the intellectual understanding that there is no place for them. This is natural, and we shouldn't feel bad about it. Instead, we need to recognize that this is a challenge sent to us by Hashem and that all we have to do is try to overcome it. Even if we haven't yet succeeded in completely uprooting envy from our hearts, if we're doing our best, our reward will certainly be great.

* Praying for the welfare of the object of our envy can help us to alter our emotions. When we pray for someone, we begin to truly want what's best for them and we are better able to see that they deserve what Hashem has granted them.

The Torah tells us: "And Hashem said to Moshe, take for yourself Joshua, the son of Nun, a man who has spirit within him, and lay your hand upon him." Moshe then obeys Hashem's command: "And he laid his hands upon him and commanded him as Hashem had spoken through Moshe." Rashi introduces a novel insight regarding Moshe's behavior in this incident: "'And he laid his hands upon him' -- with a generous eye, [doing] more than what he was commanded. For Hashem said to him, 'Lay your hand,' but he did so with both hands and made him [Joshua] like a full and overflowing vessel, filling him abundantly with wisdom."

Similarly, our Sages teach: "'The person with a generous eye will be blessed' -- this refers to Moshe, to whom Hashem said, 'Lay your hand' and he laid both his hands." The Tosafot commentaries on the Talmud (Bava Kamma 92) compare this to a master who orders his servant to give his acquaintance some wine, and the servant generously gives fine wine. So too, Hashem commanded Moshe, "Lay your hand upon him," and he laid both his hands.

May we merit to overcome envy and rejoice in everyone's good fortune.

From the book "Man's Duty in His World - Moral and Character Issues for the Whole Family."