Quinoa Again? How Can I Tell My Wife I Hate It?

The Dilemma

After a long day at work, David sighs as he gets home. He's famished and looking forward to a hot meal and some rest. As he opens the front door, the aroma hits him and he groans. To him, it's no aroma. He can't stand quinoa but his wife has been cooking it more and more often recently. The first time she made it, he forced himself to compliment her and managed to empty his plate. Little did he realize that he was setting the scene for quinoa three times a week...

Should he tell her, and risk hurting her feelings? David knows how much effort his wife invests in her cooking, and how much she appreciates his praise. Surely that means she wants to know what he enjoys? On the other hand, telling her now, after weeks of suffering, isn't going to be simple... 

What do you think? Is it appropriate to hurt the feelings of someone who has gone to so much trouble for you? And is there really such a thing as "constructive criticism"?

The Torah Response

Firstly, it must be emphasized that one should always express gratitude to one's spouse for their efforts, regardless of the outcome. This applies to many aspects of family life, not just cooking. For example, if a child behaves especially well, husband or wife can compliment the spouse: "It's all thanks to the values you instill!" If a child behaves badly, parents should never blame each other ("Look what your son/daughter just did!"). Instead, they should accept their share of responsibility and resolve to fix what they can, themselves.

Avoiding complaints is a wonderful foundation for a happy married life. When a spouse is perceived as ungrateful, the hurt and damage caused are immense. There are many ways of dealing with David's dilemma. Coming home and saying, "I can't believe you made that awful quinoa again" is not one of the better ones...

Does this mean that David will have to swallow hard for the rest of his life? Of course not. But just as bitter medicine is sweetened to help it go down, so too criticism should be sweetened with the syrup of praise. Genuinely constructive criticism is sandwiched between seventy (genuine) compliments given beforehand and a hundred afterward. Somewhere in the middle, a gentle comment can be inserted, as long as it will truly be constructive. If the problem can't be rectified, then even the gentlest of complaints will achieve nothing.

Constructive criticism focuses on flaws in order to fix them. This is in complete contrast to destructive criticism, which highlights the flaws and mistakes of others in order to diminish and degrade them. It's important to be aware that even criticism spoken with good intentions can easily turn into destructive criticism, if one is not sufficiently careful with one's choice of words.

Often, we need to exercise our creativity in order to avoid hurting others. In David's case, it might help to avoid mentioning the quinoa on the evening it's being served. Instead, he should wait for a day when his wife serves a dish he prefers and only then say, "Wow, this is delicious!" Then, after a thoughtful pause, he could add, "I really appreciate the effort you put into cooking. I really love what you cook. I also liked the quinoa at first, though I guess it's not so much my thing."

***

To sum things up: David isn't obligated to suffer and continue eating food that doesn't appeal to him. Few of us are capable of happily suffering in silence, and so, if you know your spouse is sensitive to criticism, think carefully about how to approach this problem.

In general, criticism should be wrapped in compliments and tied up with a big bow of praise for all the effort your spouse invests. Then, stress that the fault isn't in your spouse -- it's simply a matter of personal taste.

May Hashem help us all to avoid complaining and to express our genuine gratitude toward others.

From the book "Man's Duty in His World - Moral and Character Issues for the Whole Family."