Should I Forgive Him Even If He Hasn't Asked for Forgiveness?

The Dilemma

"Just look at this," Deena said to her husband. "Another crack. Can you believe it?"

Unfortunately, Zack absolutely could believe it. The upstairs neighbors had started renovating their apartment three weeks ago, and the damage to their own home was mounting. Jake and Sherri Wallis had been so "nice" about it all and promised to pay for anything that needed fixing. But promises don't cost money and Zack had yet to see a penny.

In the end, they went to court and won. Jake and Zack were no longer on speaking terms. Zack had used the money the court awarded him to make the necessary repairs and tried to put the whole sorry incident out of his mind -- without much success. Sherri and Deena had once been friends and their children, playmates. No longer. 

Deena and Zack would have loved to see the Wallis' make amends -- apologize and ask for forgiveness -- but nothing was forthcoming. Were they doomed to stew in resentment forever?

The Torah Response

Is Zack obligated to forgive his neighbors? The Torah tells us: "And the people came to Moshe and said, 'We have sinned ... pray to Hashem' ... and Moshe prayed for the people." Rashi explains that "from here we learn that when someone asks for forgiveness, people should not be cruel in withholding it."

In this case, Jake and Sherri haven't asked for foregiveness so Zack and Deena aren't required to forgive them. However, there's more to the story.

In a case (like here) where the wronged party can sue for damages, he may certainly do so and he is not expected to forgive and forego compensation. Now that compensation has been paid, however, the only resentment still lingering is based on hard feelings. It would be praiseworthy for Zack and Deena to judge their neighbors favorably at this point, and find a way to excuse their behavior.

Furthermore, their neighbors were responsible for the cracks and other damage which have now been fixed. They weren't responsible for the hard feelings, and at the end of the day, the Wallises were merely Hashem's agents. For whatever reason, Hashem wanted Zack and Deena to go through this difficult experience. If they can forgive, and accept this as a Divine challenge, everyone will benefit.

***

This is not to say that forgiving in such a situation is easy. Rabbi Eliyahu Lopian, a great sage who passed away several decades ago, once related a story about a certain person who came to him asking for forgiveness for offending him.

"I could tell you that I forgive you," Rabbi Lopian told the man, "but since what you did to me was extremely serious, I know that my forgiveness would not be wholehearted. Therefore, what I suggest is that you come back in two weeks. I'll use that time to study the Torah's ethical teachings on this matter, and I hope that I'll be able to forgive you completely and wholeheartedly."

It's clear from this story that even for great Torah sages, granting forgiveness is not easy. Rabbi Lopian was certainly also aware that it is a sin to harbor resentment after a person says they have forgiven the person asking for forgiveness. Therefore, he knew he had to invest the time and effort to overcome his feelings.

***

As for the future, how should Zack and Deena take steps to ensure such incidents don't repeat themselves? Perhaps all they need to do is forgive and forget?

The Pele Yoetz, author of a great work on Torah ethics, stresses that we should not enable others to exploit us. The Torah commands us "to save the oppressed from the hand of his oppressor" and not to encourage the oppressed to submit. Oppressors should be rebuked, and not allowed to continue oppressing the vulnerable.

From the book "Man's Obligation in His World - Issues in Ethics and Character for the Whole Family."