Sibling Rivalry: Why Do Kids Tease Each Other and How to Stop It

Who hasn't encountered sibling teasing? It disrupts the home and leaves parents feeling helpless. Surprisingly, the first to "suffer" from teasing is often the teaser. They're trying to gain something pleasant, but instead, they face anger from those around them... Why does this happen, what can we do, and what should we avoid doing?

"I see Yochai waking up in the morning, quietly creeping over to his brother's feet and tickling them. The first time, his brother jumps instinctively and goes back to sleep. The second time, he turns over and covers up. By the third time, he starts to get frustrated, but Yochai keeps going, looking thrilled by his brother's discomfort. He loves teasing others and constantly seeks new opportunities to do so. It's maddening. Nothing I've tried or explained seems to help."

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Sibling or peer teasing is very common and can make family life difficult. Teasing can be verbal or physical, leading to fights between siblings, tension at home, and sometimes conflicts between parents. This phenomenon is especially prevalent with children who have Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), as they tend to get involved in teasing, both as instigators and as targets. The fact that teasing is inherently negative behavior often leads to misunderstandings in how it's addressed. Parents may not correctly understand the child's "mind" and, as a result, often act in ways that don't help and sometimes worsen the situation.

What's Going Through the Child's Mind?

To deal with the situation, we break it into three parts: Event, Thought, Response. If we return to Yochai, the event here is clear: Yochai is tickling his sleeping brother's feet. The parent's response is also clear: anger, frustration, worry, reprimands that don't help. The missing link is the parent's thought: How do they interpret the event? What meaning do they give it?

In Yochai's case, the parent thinks Yochai enjoys others' suffering. In more extreme words, the parent thinks Yochai is a kind of sadist who revels in others' distress. "Is Yochai really a sadist?", I asked the parent. "Actually, he has a good heart, he's compassionate, he loves to help when he's in the mood," the parent replied. "But I see he really enjoys causing others discomfort. It's strange, but I have no other explanation for his teasing," the parent added.

What Happens When We Misinterpret a Child?

The parent's hidden assumption that Yochai is a sadist leads to a negative emotional response from the parent. Aside from the distress it causes both parent and child, it's hard to act rationally when overwhelmed by negative emotions. Moreover, a misinterpretation of the child's motives leads to an educational approach that doesn't manage to reduce the problem. Sometimes the wrong interpretation even makes the situation worse. When we misinterpret the child, we shape the child negatively. The child themselves doesn't understand their behavior, and when the parent treats them as a sadist, they come to believe it themselves, possibly behaving that way in the future. In Yochai's case, the parent isn't aware of their thought process and is inconsistent in their perception of the child, leading to inconsistency in responses and weakening parental authority.

What Can We Do?

Challenge the Thought – Pay attention to the "assumptions" that drive us without having examined them. Ask ourselves, do we have proof that the child acts with negative intent? Can we read minds?

Presumption of Good Intent – Misbehavior doesn’t necessarily stem from bad intentions. Assume that most of the time, children don't have bad intentions. People have a "presumption of good intent"; do not attribute negative motives unless proven otherwise. Even if we lack a logical explanation for the child's behavior, or we're unable to think about the motives during the act, don't attribute bad intentions. Stick to the belief that they have a presumption of good intent. Remember that a negative interpretation of a child's motives can turn them into a "villain" in their own eyes and cause them to behave accordingly. Adhering to this presumption can help us avoid overwhelming ourselves with negative emotions that cause us to lose balance and create harm. Differentiating between intention and act helps us separate the deed from the doer, essentially "judging favorably", as taught by Rabbi Dessler (Michtav Me'Eliyahu, 4, 10): "The difference between the actor and the action... we mustn't distrust or suspect the actor (the person performing the action) and we're required to judge favorably within our reach. In contrast, we are not only allowed but obligated to criticize the action." This approach lets us be "on the child's side" rather than against them, making it easier for the child to feel connected to the parent and accept their messages.

Provide Alternatives – Consider alternative "interpretations" for the child's behavior. Perhaps they seek attention from a sibling but don't know how to do it appropriately. They might be bored, and the sibling’s annoyance relieves their boredom. They could be curious to see what happens this time when they tease their sibling—whether the response will be the same or something new and special. They might be envious of their sibling (status, possessions) and attempt to regain control or status negatively. Let’s try providing suitable responses.

Seek Positive Motives – Often, not only is the motive not negative, but it is positive—aspiring to achieve something of value. Ask ourselves what positive motive underlies the behavior and whether we wish to undermine it? For example, if we understand that the child perceives this as a way to get family attention, ask ourselves whether we want the child to stop fighting for their status, or whether our problem is just the method they use to fight for it. In this, remember the Kuzari’s words, "Your intention is good, but your deeds aren't desired." We don't want the positive intention lost! We're just not impressed that it currently manifests negatively.

Understand Without Agreeing – Recognizing the child's positive motive doesn't mean agreeing with their behavior. Instead, it helps us draw out the positive spark, reducing the behavior.

Base Yourself on Positive Emotions – Sometimes we believe that without anger or defiance, we won't exercise firm authority. The truth is the parent can feel love and compassion towards the child and, from that strength, exert authority and demand they stop teasing.

Notice the Teasing Child's Suffering – We tend not to see the teaser's suffering because they cause others' suffering. In fact, when a child with positive intentions turns to negative behavior, they suffer significantly: they don’t achieve their positive goal (like attention), they attract anger from their surroundings, and often feel disappointed with themselves. Changing the view of the child from "causing others suffering" to "bringing suffering to themselves and others" can evoke parental empathy and drive them to find a way to fulfill what the child seeks healthily, without hurting others.

Distinguish Between Concern and Hysteria – Teasing definitely causes concern, both short and long-term. Sometimes it triggers exaggerated thoughts that promote catastrophic scenarios, like "It'll never be peaceful here," "He'll never fit in," "He's always ruining my holiday table on purpose," "He can't handle a happy home." Is it true?

Increase Awareness – Engage in pleasant conversations, not during the act. Express love and empathy, helping the child understand what they really want to achieve with their actions. Does their method really help them? Are there alternative ways to achieve it?

Foster Empathy – In a separate, relaxed, and non-critical conversation, try to enhance empathy by encouraging the child to think about how their actions affect their sibling's feelings. Encourage them to put themselves in their sibling's shoes. When the child describes their behavior as some sort of "necessity," discuss problem-solving skills. Normalize the natural tension between siblings and try brainstorming solutions with them. In general, it's better for the child to suggest "problem-solving inventions."

Reduce Tension – Naturally, there's tension between siblings. Despite the closeness, they're competing for the world's rarest resource: the parents, which inherently places them in a sensitive position against each other. Try encouraging positive interactions between siblings, like playing together, talking together, doing something shared. Non-competitive tasks or games are preferable. Additionally, give the child "personal time," even if short. Times when you are interested only in the child as an individual for a few minutes.

Chaim Dayan is a clinical social worker, doctoral candidate, expert in ADHD and parent guidance, and chairman of the Attention Institute.