Navigating Family Gatherings When Your Child Has ADHD

The celebrations of Chanukah bring with them not just candles and sufganiyot, but also social events, family gatherings, and a fair share of challenges and frustrations related to the kids. It's not just about managing the children. It's also about dealing with the extended family, friends, and neighbors, the grandparents who only want what's best for the children but may not understand what you, the parents, know about your child and their specific ADHD.

All the things you've learned as you've supported your child with their executive functioning struggles may be completely new, or not fully understood, by them. They still hold beliefs like "this is not okay, sometimes you need to be tough," or "tough love is necessary," or "it's just excuses, there's no need to let them...", or "it's a matter of principles!", "you're just too lenient as parents and let them run the show – what do you expect will happen?!"

Then there are the disapproving looks, raised eyebrows, turning away, or reprimands your child might endure in the exchange. Criticism and anger can become mutual.

ADHD is often an invisible condition. On the outside, your child may look like everyone else, and the difficulties spoken about are those everyone has, but they experience them differently. Much like in days of old, even today, there are people who mistakenly believe that ADHD is a matter of choice, character, and decisions. Meanwhile, these kids miss out on the most significant opportunities for meaningful connection and intergenerational bonding. They are denied empathy that heals, and effective help.

At best, attempts will be made to placate them by giving in to their whims or through blame and conceding defeat in trying to deal with them. "You just don't want to," "you're not trying," "when you want to, you succeed."

But here's the truth: it's not at all like that. Since ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects the biology and chemistry of the brain, it's not about choice, willpower, or intelligence. The child wants to please you and earn your love and support. They often just can't bring out their best or explain their struggles.

But notice something interesting, even perhaps embarrassing - it does depend on our choice - as adults - to make this matter easier, possible, enlightening, and connecting - or difficult and unbearable.

In this guide, we cover some common challenges faced by children with ADHD. Not all difficulties will appear for everyone, and not all will manifest with such intensity as to require intervention, as ADHD will appear slightly differently in each person. We've tried to cover what's most common here. Tools that work well for a child with ADHD will also be applicable to other children, and similarly, what's appropriate for a severe problem will also help with a lighter issue. At worst, a child might tell you they're managing okay without the structure you suggested. You'll have the chance to praise their maturity and abilities. They'll gain from the positive engagement and cooperation you provide, and together you'll achieve a better relationship and improved family atmosphere.

So as you head to your next family or social meeting - along with patience and a deep breath, take this process to heart, along with some advice and insights.

• Step One - Educate the extended family that your child's behavior stems from biology, not rudeness.
• Step Two - Neither discipline nor punishment will change behavior rooted in executive functioning difficulties. What will make a significant difference is the use of tailored strategies that address the behavioral challenges due to ADHD. After all, you wouldn't punish a fish for "refusing" to climb a tree. These techniques and strategies are a process that helps develop delayed functions. They are not a quick fix - it requires our hard work and self-control to regulate our frustrations, impatience, and desire for immediate results. In a fast-paced world, practicing a gradual process is an act of courage. But when you choose to persevere and act in this manner, you'll be surprised by the quality of the result and the bond created between you and the young struggler. It's a connection not easily broken. So seek the support of your dear ones and their partnership in this mature, constructive work, even if it's different and takes more time than we'd like from the outset. After all, with effort comes reward.

Five Key Challenges to Explain to Relatives

1. Short-term working memory - This often prevents a child with ADHD from applying past lessons to future situations. It's pointless to tell them, "I've told you a thousand times..." It's not recorded nor remembered, and spending energy on anger and disconnect is futile. Repeat the instruction each time. Ask them to repeat it back to you in their own words, instead of shouting and venting anger at them. If there are specific rules in the home you're visiting, go over them and help them verbalize them in their own words, like, "We don't touch the glass doors of Granddad's library, and we don't throw balls inside."

2. Difficulty regulating emotions - It is challenging for them to respond proportionately to stimuli. What seems minor to you might be perceived as a significant threat by them. Buffer the blow with empathy, and bridge the pain with understanding, without judgment. Like: "You really wanted to play with them, it hurt when they didn't include you, and you overturned the board. That's painful (hug). Do you think they want to play now?"

3. Heightened sensitivity to rejection – This sensitivity might cause them to avoid their peer group. Some may prefer being with adults, and others might choose to be around younger kids. A child with ADHD often experiences more leniency from younger kids, and leadership on their part. Don't criticize and belittle them for this. Highlight their leadership abilities, ensuring they're not using force or coercion. Emphasize that others also appreciate and follow them without any need for aggression.

4. Difficulty engaging in "boring" tasks, even when they're necessary, like cleaning Grandma's living room after the family doughnut party. You'll quickly find them dodging the task. Assign them a very specific role, or one that requires a bit more responsibility. Give them ownership of the task, and they'll perform wonderfully.

5. Difficulty controlling impulses - The inner voice that helps us direct our actions and understand the next necessary task is weaker in those with ADHD, hence it appears as if they jump from one interest to another without finishing anything. It's insufficient to ask, "Sweep the porch," you need to help them verbalize the next step: "And bring the dustpan to gather the trash into this bin" (this specific one, as they might otherwise take off looking for a bin and not return soon...). One task at a time, reporting upon completion, encouragement, rewards, and setting a time limit will greatly assist in task completion.

• Step Three - After attempting to gather empathy and expand the understanding of the extended family, you hopefully won't need this step. But if they still aren't there – mention that their refusal to try and understand and change their criticism and policy of harshness with the child could impact their relationship and cause a rift that might last for years. You can't reclaim years of avoiding connection and times devoid of affectionate links. Such absence is lost. They will have a much more beneficial influence on the grandchild/child when they reach the heart of the matters instead of lingering on temporarily flawed appearances. The pervasive pain stemming from negative family experiences has untold impact for years. Every child only benefits from the love and acceptance of their grandparents. It's a shame to forgo this. It's an opportunity to light the inner flame and create a connection to the eternal chain of a meaningful Jewish family unit, to be part of the eternal flame - or, heaven forbid, loss, detachment, and pain for generations.
• Final Step - If you've done all this and the interaction is still difficult - remember - you've put in your effort and tried, and the rest is up to Hashem. We just have to light a small flame and do our part in spreading the miracle. Each child is a miracle to illuminate and stand out within, and our role as responsible adults is to be very careful in preparing these flames.

Eilat Wegbreit is an ADHD coach and parent coach for attention and behavioral disorders AW7657567@gmail.com