Parenting a Child with Sensory Regulation Challenges

Parenting a child with sensory regulation difficulties presents a formidable challenge.

Parents often feel like their child is not listening or is being deliberately defiant when they don't respond to requests. Frustration and repetition ensue. Many parents find themselves asking, "How many times do I have to tell you?" but the truth is, even the child is unsure.

Parents struggle to cope with what they perceive as a child's indifference, especially regarding values they hold dear like education, compliance, and responsibility.

Impulsive behavior and the constant need for stimulation bring the child, and in turn the family, to the brink of stressful situations frequently. They're climbing things they shouldn't, running too fast, and acting out. Parents worry constantly, feeling the need to be ever-vigilant to keep them safe. The perpetual state of "high-alert" is draining emotionally and physically. Meanwhile, the child feels more secure, often oblivious to the level of concern shared by their parents, much like a driver speeding feels in control, while passengers are fearful.

At times, negative thoughts creep in about the child and themselves as parents: "It isn't easy seeing them like this; it reflects poorly on my parenting," or "I'm struggling to love my own child."

Imagining the future for a child with these challenges can be distressing, heightening anxiety and leading to a whirlwind of frustration and anger directed at both the child and themselves.

Comments and criticisms from others only fuel the negative emotions and self-doubt.

When disagreements arise between parents about how to respond to their child, it exacerbates feelings of insecurity and uncertainty about handling the situation, intensifying fear about the future.

Every parent finds it difficult to accept the reality of a child perceived as different in ways that are not valued as positive. They must reconcile with giving up on the idealized, "perfect" child they envisioned.

Indeed, parents of children with sensory challenges are on a life-encompassing journey.

Their manner of handling life's situations not only in relation to the child but also in ways visible to them offers a powerful example, influencing perceptions and emotional development. Their feelings toward the child and themselves impact their relationship and the child's growth. Personal obstacles or deficits influence decisions about seeking or denying treatment.

How can parents best fulfill their role?

Here are some points for reflection, ideas, and personal development strategies for parents. It's important to note these ideas can benefit parents of all children, but are particularly crucial for those with sensory regulation challenges.

Leading by Example

One significant way parents can positively influence a child facing challenges is by setting a personal example.

Every child needs a strong, educational role model. For children with sensory regulation issues, a parent's example is especially vital. Observing a parent tackle challenges similar to their own teaches them coping strategies and provides ideas they can apply when faced with similar difficulties. Seeing positive examples in any challenge-facing situation offers lessons they can absorb and internalize.

Additionally, an example of dealing with a specific difficulty conveys a broader approach to challenges. Parents must continually demonstrate patience, attentiveness, awareness, emotion recognition, and expression.

However, if the gap between a parent's example and the child's capabilities is too wide, requiring beyond their abilities, the example backfires. Excessively high expectations can lead to discouragement, shame, and feelings of inadequacy in the child. Instead of engaging with the example, they emotionally distance themselves and fail to emulate it.

Thus, a beneficial example is one that doesn't pressure the child or demand beyond their strengths. A positive example shows a child that parents encounter hurdles yet persist in overcoming them. To connect with and benefit from the example, focus not on achievements alone but also on the journey, emphasizing hard work builds appreciation and encourages effort to conquer personal challenges.

The book 'ADHD - Recognize and Succeed'

Key Messages to Impart via Example

Acceptance of Reality

A child's self-acceptance and acceptance of their difficulties hinges upon their parents' acceptance. How parents first received information about their child's challenges leaves a lasting impression. A child senses their parents' peace or dissatisfaction with reality. Convincing them to accept their situation is difficult if parents convey conflict.

If parents accept reality and don't deny it, the child will follow suit. Their example helps the child accept and not ignore their challenges.

Acceptance of Setbacks

Teaching a child that a setback isn't failure or life-ending follows from setting a positive example. Managing a child with sensory issues isn't easy, and mistakes can happen. Yet parents can utilize these moments for growth. Children learn from how their parents acknowledge and respond to their own mistakes. Educators and parents who sometimes err, but don't dwell or panic over them, instead admit them and continue striving, send essential messages. Mistakes don't define them as inadequate. Rising after a mistake teaches persistence.

Children frequently experience regret; they wish to act appropriately but impulsively react. Parents' example during their setbacks teaches children resilience, to rise, push forward, and keep investing effort.

Balancing Firmness and Gentleness

In 'ADHD - Recognize and Succeed,' emphasis is placed on the importance of an approach combining empathy and firm boundaries.

This approach also provides a model of balancing seemingly opposing feelings and behaviors.

When parents respond to negative behavior calmly yet with authority, sensitivity but decisiveness, they present an important example. Using phrases like: "We don't do that, I won't accept violent behavior" alongside understanding, "I understand your friend hurt you and his actions were wrong," teaches balance in emotions and responses.

Listening and Patience

Parents modeling active listening nurture this skill in their child. When a child wants to share their experiences, earnest listening is crucial. At times lacking the patience for misbehavior, often balancing these moments with attentiveness during other conversations is vital.

Emotion Identification

Children dealing with outbursts fueled by emotions gain from environments where feelings are discussed openly, learning to articulate emotions fosters emotional literacy. Being in an environment where feelings are voiced encourages self-acceptance of emotions like anger, sadness, or disappointment. Awareness moderates intensity, defining emotions provides perspective. Understanding and normalizing emotions calms a child, aiding appropriate response selection, helping them remember boundaries and act within accepted limits.

As previous sections expounded, children should be taught the difference between feeling emotions, which is permissible, and inappropriate reactions. However, such lessons have limited effect if a parent's personal example contradicts them. To withstand emotional outbursts, children need good examples of expressing anger or pain without losing control.

Turning Away from Violence

In dealing with children, minimization of corporal punishment is essential. Physical discipline teaches violence is an acceptable solution, encouraging physical reactions to unwanted outcomes. Practically, using not force or violence but verbal insistence, challenges the child to self-manage and comply.

Enabling self-regulation during transitions, despite reluctance, cultivates autonomy and decision-making skills. Additionally, parental examples of insisting without violence demonstrate this balance.

Excerpted from "ADHD - Recognize and Succeed", recipient of the Health Minister's Book Award, soon to be available in English.