12 Reasons Parents Find It Hard to Accept an ADHD Diagnosis

It's not easy—recognizing a challenge, seeking a diagnosis, accepting the results.

Every parent of a child with difficulties struggles with accepting the reality, especially when it comes to ADHD. It’s a particularly deceptive problem. It confuses parents, educators, and even the child, who doesn't fully understand their situation..

Why Accepting ADHD Is So Challenging

Several reasons make it particularly hard for parents to come to terms with ADHD:

1. Lack of concentration is a common experience for everyone. We all know what it feels like to lose focus. Parents and educators recall how they dealt with similar situations and expect the child with concentration issues to simply work through it..

However, it's important to understand: there is a big difference between normal issues with attention and those caused by a neurological condition. A child struggling due to neurological reasons cannot change their behavior without external help. The challenge of dealing with their lack of concentration is much more difficult for them than for others. Moreover, any attempt to pressure them into compliance will push them further from being able to concentrate, exacerbating unwanted symptoms. Average pressures won’t have such a drastic negative effect on others..

In short, because of superficial similarities in behavior, outsiders might mistakenly think they understand the child’s situation without realizing it's a more complex issue that requires diagnosis and treatment..

2. The child's behavior is misleading. A child with ADHD can focus intensely on a task they are passionate about or a compelling game. When the learning material excites them, they demonstrate even academic concentration, misleading parents to think they are capable. From this, they conclude that any lack of focus is due to indifference or neglect, deciding that strict demands should be placed. They might say, "See? If you try, you can do it!" and "When you want to, you manage!".

Parents might suspect the child is manipulating them; that efforts are made when convenient, and effort drops when it’s not. Thus, they label them lazy, assuming disinterest in making an effort..

Remember: being able to concentrate on captivating topics does not prove a child does not struggle with ADHD.

3. The child's abilities are misleading. High intellectual abilities compared to learning capacities can be very confusing for both parents and the child. With peers, in games, or with practical matters, the child seems sharp and perceptive, making it difficult to attribute academic challenges to a physical issue beyond their control. Knowing the child is talented, parents naturally attribute challenges to neglect or lack of effort..

4. Labeling sticks. Because the child doesn’t listen in class, parents and educators conclude they are lazy, uninterested in learning, or lack ambition, labeling them negatively. They feel the only way forward is to demand more and threaten consequences. These faulty conclusions distance them from reality and prevent seeking accurate and professional diagnosis..

5. It’s easy to deny an invisible problem. When a child is born with visible physical disabilities, parents find it difficult but understand they have to accept it because there’s no denying an apparent reality. They adjust and push forward, each according to their strengths, striving to advance, improve, and nurture their child..

What helps parents accept the given state is often a sense of resignation. The powerful force of reality compels them to embrace the facts as they are and then dedicate their efforts to anything still possible to improve their child’s life..

In contrast, for parents of a child struggling with attention due to a regulation issue, the problem is neither apparent nor defined. There’s no particular lack of functioning forcing parents to acknowledge some disability, especially if no professional diagnosis has been given..

In some areas, they demonstrate extraordinary abilities and talents, eliciting high expectations in parents. As long as parents see their child has potential, they prefer attributing problems to lack of will or discipline, expecting full success and perfection. Recognizing the issue would require letting go of their hopes for their child, accepting reality as it is, and rethinking..

Without resolving the situation, it’s impossible to invest in the child correctly. Setting unattainable expectations will hinder progress. The problem is that it’s very tough for parents to accept there’s no way their expectations for their child will be realized. They hurt for their child, and for themselves..

6. Lost dreams. When a baby is born, it’s the realization of parental dreams since their own childhoods. If born with noticeable disabilities, parents understand they’ll face a challenge and don’t build lofty expectations from the beginning. But if the child appears pleasant, gifted, social, and smart, parents harbor expectations over the years..

During early years, few demands are made of them; their cute actions stand out, their intelligence shines, showing creative ideas, and parents feel their dream is coming true, fostering high hopes..

When troubling behaviors surface, parents assume their child is still small, that like all children, they merely need teaching of limits and responsibilities, believing maturity will bring behavior improvements..

Even upon hearing others mentioning the child's problematic behavior, they hope it's temporary. It’s natural to cling to positive notions and flee negativity. Belief that their child is near perfection has already taken root, thus the idea of seeking a diagnosis feels threatening to their dreams..

7. Parents’ own work versus child’s work. For a long time prior to diagnosis, parents tried changing the child to fit expectations. Diagnosis forces understanding of actions that angered them, that they have long attempted to correct..

Some parents struggle so much with accepting diagnosis results that they ask the diagnostician not to inform the child, worried they’ll "continue this way". Rather than overcoming sadness from acknowledging the struggle, they prefer the child overcome what’s involuntary, believing it better to demand them "try harder" to become someone they’re not, so they don’t have to put in effort into cognitive change and a different approach..

8. Desire to maintain control over the struggle. Sometimes parents halt negative behaviors using threats and punishment. They think, "Why believe an uncomplimentary diagnosis when tough discipline can achieve change, urging normal behavior?".

It should be known that fear and threat might indeed spur efforts to address certain behaviors, but the resulting damage may be irreparable. Deep, difficult problems might emerge in adulthood, perhaps after marriage, revealing in therapy a crushed individual with low self-esteem and extreme insecurity..

A child taught to mistrust their true self soon becomes emotionally unstable, constantly seeking external validation. They rely on coercion, feeling unable to independently navigate, always needing informal permission from surroundings, seeking assurances for each idea (that opinions are sound, suggestions wise, genuinely loved). Every critique strikes a blow. Living in unrealistic attempts to please everyone caught up in acceptance issues..

An outsider-fueled personality builds without constructing separate identity, unable to cultivate positive attributes..

9. Embarrassment about environment. "What will everyone say? How will this affect shidduchim (matchmaking)?" Many parents avoid seeking help due to these concerns. If parents don't face reality and treat the child, issues swell, grow dramatically. If image-conscious, they should recognize ignoring and lacking treatment worsens it, causing larger reputational harm. Conversely, proper help can mitigate issues, preserve the child's life quality and reputation..

10. Exaggerated panic. Sometimes parental unfamiliarity with professional terms leads to fear when diagnosis sounds frightening. It's important to understand: these are manageable challenges with professional tools. True psychological issues arise in undiagnosed cases receiving no timely intervention..

11. Child unaware how to define issue. Parents might assume if problems exist, the child would indicate them. But as the child doesn’t complain, they see no sufficient reason for behaviors..

Remember, the child doesn’t grasp their reality. Unable to explain their nature as it’s their only reality, lacking comparative perspective..

Parents, as knowledgeable adults, should consult, evaluate, diagnose, but a child cannot self-advocate similarly. Lacking resources, they develop emotional guards potentially affecting long-term..

12. Fear child might use diagnosis as excuse. Parents and educators might worry the child misuses diagnosis as behavior justification. Concerns arise diagnostic information might wrongly allow education neglect. Parents must believe child legitimately struggles, facing inherent challenges pre and post-diagnosis, taking responsibility to support them..

The book 'ADHD - To Know and Succeed'

The Importance of Recognizing the Struggle

Parental recognition of true challenges is critical for effective treatment. Without acceptance, long-term advancement investment is hindered..

Unlike babies whose progress—crawling, sitting, standing—is observable, regulation-challenged children’s progress might not be easy to detect, potentially leading to discouragement and despair despite efforts appearing futile..

To ensure proper child support at every stage, as explained, understanding expected progress and processes is essential..

In summation, acknowledging challenges is difficult, but crucial. As with obvious illnesses where choices exist to diagnose and treat, so too with behavioral or learning struggles. Proper identification and acknowledgment are critical for solution-seeking.!

From the book "ADHD - To Know and Succeed," winner of the Health Minister's Book Award. Coming soon in English.