The Spring Effect: Raising Kids with Patience and Warmth

What a person truly desires that is what they will eventually achieve in life.
And what a person achieves in life, reveals what they deeply wanted all along.
(Alei Shur, a sefer of Jewish ethical teachings)

A spring, by its very nature, wants to be free. And in a way, so does a child. A child needs to feel free like a spring that is relaxed, flexible, and allowed to move, though of course, not chas v’shalom (Heaven forbid) neglected or ignored.

Imagine what happens when a spring is held under pressure for too long and then suddenly let go. It doesn’t simply relax. It explodes flying off in every direction. That’s exactly what can happen to a child who is constantly pressured and controlled. At first, it might seem like we’re succeeding in getting them to behave or perform as we want. But the moment the pressure is lifted, everything can fall apart.

And even worse, it takes a long time to bring that “spring” back to its original state. Whatever progress we thought we had made was only temporary, held together by force. When that pressure is gone, the effect disappears too.

But if we raise a child with gentleness and respect giving them space to grow, privacy when appropriate, warmth, and love, something beautiful happens. When we supervise from a distance, offer gentle direction, and praise the good we see in them, we help that child blossom.

If we must correct their behavior, we can say something like, “This doesn’t suit a child as good as you.” But only after we’ve first acknowledged the things they’ve done well. Their kindness. Their honesty. Their love for Eretz Yisrael and for others. When correction comes from a place of love, and when it’s built on a foundation of encouragement, it can be heard. It can even inspire.

However, if the child is already “sprung”, meaning they’ve been pushed too hard and then left alone, it’s not easy to restore the connection. It takes great patience. And it’s a slow process.

The message is clear: only with love and warmth can we achieve meaningful, lasting results with children. It’s not always easy. In fact, it takes real work. But the results are genuine. They’re built on trust, not fear.

If we choose the easy path by using force, pressure, or cold detachment, it may feel like less effort at first, but the damage can be deep and long-lasting.

Raising a child with patience, kindness, and emunah (faith) is a deeply Jewish value. It mirrors how Hashem relates to us with compassion, second chances, and guidance from a place of love. That’s the kind of parent, and person, we strive to be.

From the book "Attention and Focus" by Gilad Shamaa and Yechiel Elias