Navigating ADHD: 7 Essential Tips for Parents Raising Unique Kids

1. First – Let Go of Guilt and Frustration

There's no one to blame. Not ourselves. Not these sweet children.

Today, it’s backed by physiological evidence. Contrary to outdated myths, the root of the issue isn’t due to upbringing or diet. It’s genetic. It’s physical. A part of the brain functions differently. There are many nuances and a broad spectrum of differences under the umbrella of attention issues, which is why it’s so deceiving. Education and diet can improve or worsen symptoms to some extent, but the medical world has pinpointed the exact location of a neurological network that operates differently, leaving the rest as mere results.

Some say the root of the phenomenon is spiritual and kabbalistic, part of the last generation’s mission to overcome the barriers covering the 'king's daughter' point, as explained in the holy Zohar. Rabbi Uri Zohar wrote an entire book on this, 'Fathers on Sons' (recently published by Ma'aneh). According to this view, neurological phenomena are merely secondary to this spiritual root. In any case, it’s not our fault. So, we can release the sense of guilt or frustration. It’s not something the child consciously does, nor is it anyone’s fault. There is a deficit of certain neurotransmitters. The more we accept and embrace this, the more we can do what is in our power.

2. When Was the Last Time You Thought About Your Pension Payments?

When exploring what truly functions differently and what the neurological uniqueness of children with A.D.H.D is, it is revealed that it’s the part of the brain responsible for calculating the consequences of our actions. A typical person weighs each reaction with past experience and future implications and chooses responses based on that.

Children with A.D.H.D live in the present moment. It’s not that they don’t understand there will be consequences, but at the moment – they care as much as one might about a one percent change in their pension. It’s significant and will greatly affect the future, but in the present, it holds little weight for them.

In other words, I live 70 percent in the present. Maybe 60. I don’t let myself get carried away. I calculate time, my past experiences, and the future outcomes of my actions. But children with A.D.H.D live almost entirely in the now, as if there were no tomorrow. "Wherever they are." They lack proportions or broader context, encountering social friction, mischief, and childish behavior. Oh, and attention problems are just one side effect.

It's important to understand the name of the disorder doesn’t reflect its root. Their main issue isn’t maintaining attention; it’s regulating their self-modulation mechanisms. This involves impulsivity and the ability to delay gratification. If something doesn’t interest them now – they’re not into it. Everyone has an inhibitory mechanism that allows them to balance between what they want to do and what they need to do. For them, this mechanism doesn't work well. They find it very hard to be in the "need to do" part. The "want to do" world is unstable, making them quite unhappy, and although they struggle to express it – they truly need our help.

3. A.D.H.D – A Disorder Without Luck

Even disorders need some luck. There are trendy disorders like vision impairment. The trendiness isn’t about the percentage of vision-impaired individuals in a population, but about the aids available to manage it: glasses. They’re stylish. They’re even a fashion statement.

There are disorders with aids that emit far less intellectual elegance, which are hidden as much as possible, and there’s no talk of fashion brands. For example, hearing impairments. Hearing devices are perceived as decidedly not fashionable. And then there are disorders with various syndromes (Tourette’s for example) – even less so. But at least they’re noticeable.

The syndrome of A.D.H.D is particularly challenging because it’s invisible, and most alarming – it’s deceptive. The most consistent thing about them is their inconsistency. They can succeed in short spurts. They’re at their best during visits to grandparents or the first week of school. But it takes immense resources that they simply don’t have, and that’s why the routine brings endless friction and nerves. Part of the reason is the environment simply doesn’t see or understand their objective impairment. The invisibility of the disorder pressures the environment to demand and create stress and emotional deficits, low self-esteem, and other negative feelings.

4. Ritalin – Yes or No?

A pearl is a gem formed in an interesting way. When a small foreign grain enters an oyster, the mollusk inside secretes layers of material around it, creating a pearl. It’s all because of a tiny grain that thickens many times its original size.

Unfortunately, the attention-deficit syndrome also expands beyond this issue, causing educational issues (due to delays in reading, writing, languages, etc.), social problems, and consequently low self-esteem and non-existent self-assurance. A lack of success in academic and social areas leads, over time, to rebellion, despair, seeking alternatives, which makes adolescence more challenging, along with increased risk, beyond accompanying cognitive issues.

So what should you do? For now – keep reading. There are solutions, and not everything is bleak. But it’s certainly advisable to get diagnosed, seek advice from experts, and find both educational support and suitable medical treatment to prevent all those troubles from piling up.

Now is also the time to mention Ritalin. Ritalin has acquired a terrible reputation, although there’s no doubt other medications have far more severe side effects, and not taking medication leads to even harsher consequences. It’s important to know that around 30% of A.D.H.D children are not affected by Ritalin (or it has the opposite effect, worsening the condition), and for the remaining 70%, it’s very difficult with it, but also very difficult without it. Without precisely adjusting the dosage, there’s no chance of success. So it’s rather superficial and simplistic to hastily reject or commit. To prevent these sweet souls from causing more and more harm, it’s advisable to find an appropriate dosage (evasive, since it changes with age) and not forgo guidance and support, for the children, but especially for the parents. There’s now extensive literature in this field, and places to gain expertise.

5. See Beyond the Challenges and Admire the Creativity

Leonardo da Vinci’s notebooks leave no doubt. He suffered from A.D.H.D. Jumping from subject to subject – anatomy to astronomy. Leaving so many things unfinished. He’s not alone. Encyclopedias have entire entries on uncompleted symphonies by famous creative composers. It seems inevitable, and there’s a recurring pattern. People with A.D.H.D are generally highly creative, but they struggle to finish tasks.

The explanation is simple. They have less commitment to conventional thinking. Every stimulus and background noise is welcomed, resulting in very creative outcomes, but there are drawbacks. They will suffer procrastination and underperformance in administration and oversight areas. Externally, this sometimes appears like audacity and defiance, and it requires an elevated perspective to see beyond, to hear their cry, and motivate them wisely.

6. Why Doesn’t the Health Ministry Add Ritalin to Drinking Water?

After all these discussions, I’d like to ask. Assuming they consulted with us, who would choose and agree to have such a child?
And who would agree to have a gifted child?
It’s essentially the same question. It’s no less challenging – factually.

There’s a parable that places all individuals within a certain range. Most people fall somewhere comfortably in the middle. The world is adapted to them. Children with A.D.H.D (like gifted children, for that matter) stand at the edge.

They’re creative. They’re more alive. Experience everything more intensely. Live on the edge. They think outside the box. I’d want such a Chief of Staff. One who, beyond operating and overseeing control, ensures not only routine management but also creative development. And that’s exactly what children with A.D.H.D do – routine bores them. It’s beneath them. They’re people with vision, with a sense of justice, and crazy intuitions to detect insincerity and dishonesty. While that’s a wonderful trait when you’re in a certain position, it’s a tough trait when you’re a student in a standard educational system…

In other words, the world doesn’t quite fit them. A round peg doesn’t fit in a square hole. Assembly line suit doesn’t match their size. They need a tailor-made suit.

So that’s where the magic of Ritalin comes in, but even it has its issues. While it helps, it also squares off the personality. And it only works for a limited time. Until the health ministry decides to add Ritalin to our drinking water, we have to produce a sort of integrated treatment that includes educational investment, equipping the child with tools to pause and consider despite all the difficulty. It demands maturity, and it doesn’t happen in a day, but there’s no choice. A tailored suit requires much more resources beyond a family or school production line. Not everyone has these resources, there are real limitations, and then they’re forced into wearing a normal suit – resulting in friction.

We can teach such a child not just to be in the present. But it’s a challenging study. Because for it to genuinely be internalized, they need to love and connect with it. And that demands creativity and space to work…

Everyone has a domain in which they excel. Experts believe it’s essential to identify and develop it within each child, as it will contribute to confidence, learning habits, a sense of achievement, and all those good things. For children with A.D.H.D, it’s not just good advice; it’s absolutely crucial. It’s vital to discover the point at which the child is interested and excels (everyone has such a point) and to develop it. Reflect back to them how excellent they are in that area. They are experts at identifying lies and evasiveness, so when the reinforcement is genuine and meets them in a place where they truly invested with love and excelled, the fruit is immediate and provides the child with the strength they crave like oxygen. And it should always be on our minds. To search and strengthen their bright spots.

We referred to children with A.D.H.D, but this isn’t just a childhood condition. It’s a lifelong challenge. Hence, the importance of finding the point of success is so critical. Because it's the basis of the grand edifice that will one day rise and grow from it.

7. It’s Important to Recharge: A Small Island of Recharge

Raising children with A.D.H.D consumes resources, and times must be found to recharge the batteries. It’s not easy. You need to make a living and fulfill many obligations, which tend to get pushed to the bottom. Therefore, the wisdom lies in not giving up. Fighting for it. Quality time. Small personal treats. Separately, or even better – together with a partner. Every investment in the relationship pays off here. Without setting time for a vacation, without creating conditions for quality couple time, there is an existential threat to the whole home.

So beyond waving away distractions, find a small quiet corner, a tiny island of recharge, shared, for both husband and wife, or separately, in quality moments that recharge. A small island, "an island of possibility." It’s achievable.

A home with A.D.H.D is a challenged and friction-filled home. The Shabbat table often ends in explosions and loud arguments, parent-teacher conferences at school induce anxiety like the day of judgment, and generally, every waking and organization experience in the morning, as well as going to sleep at night, turns the home into a nerve-wracking ordeal. No doubt, these kids are wonderful but are not the compliant and pleasing type… So, it’s worth trying to reduce pressure, especially in tough ages. Much mediation work is needed with educators, to show the child has a supportive backbone, to involve and enlist the educational system in the project. It requires resources, and preparation is necessary. Sometimes it means postponing other projects or not inviting guests every Shabbat to give the child the attention they need. It’s hard to give examples because it’s personal and varies in every family, but we must keep a finger on the pulse and remember not to educate remotely, certainly not with such children, and the investment here is necessary – and worthwhile. It’s an investment worth making. It’s the most rewarding challenge to invest in!

Thank you to my friend Chaim Dayan for providing inspiration and knowledge in writing this article.

Published onMa'ane