Haman’s Insecurity: What the Purim Story Teaches Us About Low Self-Esteem and the Need for Validation

On the holiday of Purim we read the Book of Esther which is a firsthand account of the events of Purim. In this article we will explore the character of the villian Haman.

Haman was the classic “enemy of the Jews,” obsessed with power and glory, driven to annihilate an entire people. If we look a little deeper, we find something striking and painfully human at the root of his personality: deep-seated insecurity.

The Root of the Problem: Insecurity and Inferiority

Feelings of inferiority stem from a person’s ongoing belief that they are less than others, that everyone around them is more successful, more admired, more worthy. These emotions create a constant hunger for approval, respect, and attention. The person feels the need to show off their achievements just to feel okay inside. Let’s explore how this plays out in Haman’s story- not to defend him, of course, but to better understand the psychological dynamics at play (and maybe even see some reflections of it in ourselves).

Early in the Megillah, Queen Vashti refuses to appear at King Ahasuerus’ banquet. The king is furious and consults his advisors. Who jumps up with a radical suggestion? Haman, known at this point as Memuchan. His idea? Kill her. No less.

Why? Haman explains that Vashti’s disobedience will cause other women in the empire to disrespect their husbands. According to Rashi, this was really Haman's own fear: that his wife might look down on him, that women might gain the upper hand in their households. We meet Haman’s insecurity head-on- his fear of not being seen as the dominant one, of not being “the man of the house.”

Let’s imagine asking Haman: So what if your wife occasionally disagrees with you? Why does that threaten your sense of worth?

Needing Everyone's Approval

Later in the Megillah, Haman is enraged when one man (Mordechai) refuses to bow to him. This one act of defiance sends him into a frenzy, and he hatches a plan not only to eliminate Mordechai but to destroy an entire nation. Again, we see how fragile Haman’s ego is. He simply can’t handle not being admired by everyone. Even one person thinking differently threatens his entire identity.

Soon after, when Esther invites only the king and Haman to her private banquet, Haman is elated. He calls his family together to boast about his wealth, his sons, his high rank, and the exclusive invitation from the queen. In his mind, this is the pinnacle of success. Finally, he feels recognized. Finally, the once-invisible boy from the “neighborhood” feels important.

However, the moment doesn’t last. He tells his family, “Yet all of this is worth nothing to me as long as I see Mordechai the Jew sitting at the king’s gate.” Meaning, one person not giving him the validation he craves is enough to ruin everything. This is what insecurity looks like. A person driven not by inner peace, but by a relentless need for external approval. In Haman’s mind: If I’m more successful than everyone = I exist. If not = I’m worthless.

Rabbi Dessler calls this the absence of “the joy of simply being.” Haman couldn’t feel good simply because he existed. He needed the crown, the titles, and the applause.

The Desire to Be Seen

Later in the story, Ahasuerus asks Haman, “What should be done for the man the king wants to honor?” Naturally, Haman assumes it’s about him. He quickly outlines an elaborate plan including royal robes, the king’s horse, and a public announcement- “This is what’s done for the man the king wants to honor!”

Haman is desperate to prove- to himself and everyone else- that he’s valuable and that he matters.

Understanding Inferiority

We’ve now seen how Haman’s craving for respect and status eventually led to his downfall. As the Sages say: Jealousy, desire, and the pursuit of honor take a person out of this world. Not only literally- as with Haman’s execution- but also emotionally. A person obsessed with how others see them can lose touch with their own inner world and growth.

Feelings of inferiority are emotions that chip away at a person’s self-worth. Over time, the mind builds a harsh inner voice, full of judgment and unrealistic expectations, and the person becomes their own worst critic. Even if you try to reason with them, they’ll insist they’re being logical. They might even cite religious or moral obligations to justify their thinking.

Often, these patterns begin in childhood, especially in environments with harsh, excessive criticism. When children are constantly corrected, judged, or told they’re not good enough, they internalize those messages. They learn to evaluate themselves harshly. The result is a fragile adult identity, lacking confidence and filled with self-doubt.

This can manifest in many ways including fear of making decisions, emotional dependency, low self-efficacy, and a constant search for validation.

The Link Between Insecurity and the Need for Approval

Here lies the connection to Haman: when someone has only been trained to see their flaws, they become dependent on others for validation. They need to stand out and to be admired. In their mind, this is the only way they’ll feel okay.

In truth however, no amount of approval can fix that wound. No number of achievements or compliments will erase the inner voice that says “you’re not good enough.” That voice needs a different kind of healing.

The Path to Healing

Real healing begins with rethinking how we see ourselves. We need to ask: Is my self-criticism helpful or just harmful? Is it even true? And even if it’s partly true- does it help me grow?

Instead of chasing external approval, we should learn to focus on our unique strengths and on the progress we have made. On developing love, compassion, and acceptance for ourselves- simply because we are human. This foundation should be laid early in life: a child needs to feel loved not because of what they achieve, but regardless of it. If we didn’t receive that as children, we can still learn it as adults.

We also need to remember that most criticism we receive is subjective. People don’t see the full picture. Their judgment often says more about them than about us. Even if there’s truth in what they say, it doesn’t define who we are. We are not trapped in who we were yesterday. We can grow.

Someone struggling with these thoughts shouldn’t try to “fix” it all alone. Emotional involvement clouds self-understanding. As the Sages taught: “A prisoner cannot free himself from prison.” Speak to someone close, or if needed, reach out to a professional.

What If Haman Had Received Help?

Looking back at Haman, perhaps if someone close to him had noticed his insecurity early on and had helped him see that his worth didn’t depend on applause or power- perhaps things would have been different. Maybe he wouldn’t have spiraled into the madness of trying to destroy an entire nation.

More "Side Effects" of Insecurity

Insecurity often expresses itself through overactivity, especially overlearning or overworking. While study and productivity are wonderful, when they come from a place of fear or internal pressure, they can become destructive. A person may push themselves beyond their capacity, lose their joy, and even burn out.

People suffering from deep insecurity also tend to become judgmental. Just as they harshly critique themselves, they begin to scrutinize others. In fact, the Midrash hints at this when it says Haman was also known as “Memuchan,” which could be read as “prepared” to find faults in others. As our sages say: “One who finds fault in others is really revealing their own flaws.”

One way to begin healing is by reversing the pattern. If we train ourselves to see the good in others, to give the benefit of the doubt, and to avoid harsh judgment, we also begin to soften how we see ourselves.

Yitzchak Levi is a Psychotherapist and Biofeedback Specialist