Facing Family Differences: A Spiritual and Psychological Journey from Rejection to Self-Awareness

In Parshat Toldot, we read about the birth of the twins, Jacob and Esau. Genesis 25:27 states: "And the boys grew up, and Esau became a cunning hunter, a man of the field…"

Our sages teach that the Torah is learned on multiple levels known as Pardes (Pshat, Remez, Drash, Sod):

• Pshat – the simple reading of events,

• Remez – hints such as gematria that offer deeper understanding,

• Drash – midrashic teachings,

• Sod – the mystical or Kabbalistic level.

The Midrash tells us that Esau would “hunt” his father with his words. He would ask Isaac intricate halachic questions, such as “How do we tithe salt?”- making it seem as though he was deeply committed to Torah law. By asking about such a minor detail, he projected an image of perfection- "I already do everything right; I’m just asking about one small thing…”

Esau presented himself to his father as a righteous man, although inwardly he was corrupt, engaging in idolatry, immorality, and bloodshed. It’s easy to hate Esau, to view him as a symbol of everything we must avoid. After all, “Esau hates Jacob.” Naturally, we judge and distance ourselves from everything he represents. We declare, “We belong to Jacob!”

According to the inner teachings of Torah however, every biblical figure exists to teach us something about ourselves. Esau appears in the text to shine a light on the parts of ourselves that resemble him, and our mission is to recognize and repair them in order to become more whole.

What does Esau represent?

Esau is the opposite of the ideal of tocho kevaro- that one's inner self matches their outer behavior. There must be alignment between our inner world and the way we conduct ourselves outwardly.

Every person is governed by different layers of consciousness. The conscious mind- our choices and decisions- comprises only a small fraction of our soul’s powers. In contrast, the subconscious- which we are unaware of- controls us far more. It is made up of beliefs, impressions, and instincts absorbed unconsciously since birth. It manages our reactions without us realizing.

When we feel an intense negative emotional response towards someone or something, it reveals that parts of our subconscious are still unresolved- and these parts are being mirrored back to us in that encounter. 

“One who disqualifies others does so through his own flaws.” This principle helps us refine our personal growth. The more a flaw in someone else disturbs us, the more likely that flaw exists in us as well- hence the deep discomfort. What we reject in others is often a projection of something unresolved in ourselves. This psychological defense mechanism is known as projection.

In reality, every Jew’s service of G-d includes working with these “shadow traits,” as Rabbi Yisrael Salanter refers to them, by identifying and integrating more and more of the Esau within us.

Esau represents our internal contradictions- the gap between the image we present to others and the inner forces we suppress or hide. According to Torah, our task is to spend a lifetime discovering, discerning, and refining the layers of our inner world, asking: Is this part of me real or fake?

Indeed, it can feel overwhelming to realize that this is a lifelong mission, but there’s joy in knowing that at any moment, we can grow, renew ourselves, and become more aligned. It allows us to actualize what we say three times a day in prayer: that the heart should feel what the mind knows.

Liat Elkosar is a couples coach and educational consultant.