How to Overcome Social Approval Addiction and Build True Self-Esteem

Every person desires to be socially accepted and appreciated. Compliments and external validation often drive us forward, spark motivation and encourage personal growth.

The problem begins when we develop an addictive pattern of behavior toward external validation. As Dr. David Burns accurately described in his book “Feeling Good”- in the chapter titled “Approval Addiction”- we may start living based on how others might react, losing our authentic selves simply to keep others happy.

It’s an absurd pattern, and unfortunately, incredibly common. When a person lacks confidence in themselves and their abilities, they begin to rely on external praise to fuel their self-worth. They may temporarily feel better from compliments or recognition, but their inner sense of value doesn’t actually improve.

Typically, such people will seek to stand out. To others, they may appear successful, confident, even charismatic, but when you speak with them, you uncover a reality of shattered self-esteem. This can impact many areas of life including relationships, parenting, and everyday interactions.

I recently met with a very famous person in my clinic. He admitted he no longer had the emotional strength to perform in public because of his fear of criticism. His fear of failure, of negative feedback, and of not looking perfect in front of others nearly caused him to lose everything he was truly good at.

Had I not met him in person, I would have assumed he was full of confidence, but within minutes, it was clear that he had everything, but felt like nothing.

How do we build real confidence?

First, we must understand that needing constant compliments and approval is a weakness, not a need. Once we internalize that truth, we can begin building a life led by independent thought that doesn’t depend on external validation.

You can start small. For example, if you fear speaking your mind in front of others because of how they might react, try saying just one sentence in a social setting, and gradually build from there. This process of detachment from approval-seeking behavior will take time, but once we adopt this mindset, we can begin to live truly authentic lives.