You Can Win Wars -- Just By Thinking Right

The Talmud relates: "Rabbi Akiva said: When I was an ignorant person, I said, 'If only I could get hold of a Torah scholar, I would bite him like a donkey.' His students said to him: 'Rabbi, say like a dog!' He responded: 'This one [a donkey] bites and breaks bones, while that one [a dog] bites but doesn't break bones'" (Pesachim 49b).

In our times we’ve seen hatred between Jews reach new heights; we’ve seen traditional values derided and those who adhere to them insulted and humiliated. Isn’t there anything we can do to turn the situation around?

King Solomon, whom the Torah calls “the wisest of all men,” has already given us guidance for such a situation. In Proverbs (25:21) he writes, “If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat; and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. For you will heap coals of fire on his head, and Hashem will reward you.”

What King Solomon is saying is: Flip the story on the person who’s attacking you. Be so nice to him; smile and be generous. Not because you’re afraid of confronting him, but because this is the way to deal with problematic people. Show them by your example how they should be acting.

It’s not easy—it can feel like it goes against all our instincts. But this is the best way to deal with such people.

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In practice, however, how are you going to implement this advice? We don’t usually have the opportunity to host our enemies in our homes.

Rabbi Nachman of Breslov teaches that we can use this advice in our thoughts: “When there is conflict against a person, one needs to search for and find merit in him.” What this means is that when we judge our opponent favorably, the result will be complete victory. How does this work? The tremendous power of “judging favorably” leads to one of two possibilities: either it will truly make the other person better, or it will lead to his downfall.

Rabbi Nachman writes that judging someone favorably can lead to him repenting, and the conflict will then naturally end. “Or, he will have a downfall, because you ‘will heap coals of fire on his head’ by elevating him to the side of merit.”

Judging someone favorably when you simply can’t find anything positive to say about them is not easy. Rabbi Nachman offers some invaluable advice: “Know that you need to judge every person favorably, and even with someone who is completely wicked, you need to search and find in him some bit of good, in which he is not wicked.”

Even though you may think someone’s character is completely despicable, he must have, at least once in his life, done something good. Don’t look at the person—look at the deed. For example, this person may have insulted you terribly and hasn’t apologized. However, he is very respectful of his parents. He is still deserving of praise for the good things he does, even if his balance sheet is heavily in the red.

Focusing on the good points—even if they’re miniscule—actually has the power to inspire people to turn their lives around, as Rabbi Nachman continues:

“And by finding in him a little good, and judging him favorably, through this you truly elevate him to the side of merit, and you can bring him back in repentance.”

You don’t even have to speak to this person—you don’t even have to see him. Your thoughts alone can achieve wonders.

May we all use our thoughts, speech, and actions to create peace among the Jewish People.