Is There Really Such a Thing as a Private Life?

Understanding the difference between stable and unstable emotions is key in all areas of life.

Within marriage, everyone “knows” this and yet... the divorce rate is soaring, other marriages exist in name only, and marital strife is seen as unavoidable.

In the workplace, how many disputes and rivalries could be avoided if we only focused on building stable relationships based on genuine values, rather than allowing ourselves to be carried away by jealousy, the desire for self-aggrandizement, and just plain explosions of anger?

On the roads, there are ways to solve problems that don’t involve yelling at other drivers (or worse).

And we can all think of plenty of other examples.

We have a choice. Either we can choose to take control of our lives, investing in the relationships we want to last—or we can abandon ourselves to fleeting emotions and lose everything of value. It should be a no-brainer and the only reason why it isn’t is because those fleeting emotions are so very tempting.

Oh, that and the fact that building relationships is much harder work than destroying them.

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The Torah tells us that, “Jealousy, unbridled desire, and chasing after self-aggrandizement drive a person out of the world.” In some cases, these can literally drive a person out of his mind. Most of us know someone like that. Most of us also know, or know of, someone who lost everything—family, career, reputation—because they let their emotions control them.

Even though they were “only” carried away with their emotions in their private lives, eventually their public lives were affected too. It’s a grave mistake to imagine that one can keep the two separate. It just doesn’t work. You can’t be a hedonist at home “where no one sees” and somehow conceal it in the workplace. A person’s character is formed by all his deeds, and perhaps particularly by those he permits himself to do when he thinks no one is watching. Eventually, the truth seeps out.

Furthermore, how can we trust someone who behaves one way to keep face, and an entirely different way when he thinks he can get away with it? What will he do the moment you turn your back?

The Talmudic Sages tell us that after King Cyrus announced that he would permit the rebuilding of the Beit Hamikdash (the Holy Temple in Jerusalem), it was decided to count the years of his reign as was customary for the kings of the Kingdom of Israel (starting from the month of Nisan), but after it was revealed that in his private life he behaved in a despicable manner, they reverted to counting for him as was customary for kings of other nations (from the month of Tishrei). Why? Because there is a direct connection between a person’s private life and their public life.

The Talmud tells us that we are expected to be “the same inside as outside.” There is no place in Torah for hypocrisy or deceit—and who do we think we’re deceiving anyway? Hashem sees everything...