'Why Doesn't Anyone Notice What I'm Going Through?'

Not long ago, a woman called me for advice. She told me that in her neighborhood there is a small grocery store that has faithfully served the residents for decades. The owners are a husband and wife who work together in the store all day long.

However, for the past four weeks, only the wife has been working in the store with no sign of the husband at all. The woman calling, and her neighbors, were all worried that something might have happened but none of them had the courage to ask the shopkeeper—especially as she seemed anxious and withdrawn.  

“I wanted to ask if you think I should approach the shopkeeper and ask her about her husband,” the caller said. “I’m worried she’ll feel like we’re just curious and that she really doesn’t want people prying into her business. Maybe I should just smile and say nothing, like everyone else?”

“No,” I replied. “Definitely not. What I suggest is that you wait for a quiet time when there aren’t many people in the store. Then, approach her and quietly say something like, ‘I just wanted you to know that I haven’t stopped thinking about and praying for you,’ or, ‘I don’t want to intrude, but I understand you’re going through a difficult time and if there’s anything I can help with, please let me know.’ Just a short sentence and nothing more. She might simply say ‘thank you’ but then again, if she would welcome a listening ear, she might open her heart to you and tell you what she’s going through. Be sensitive and follow her lead. But under no circumstances should you ignore her obvious distress.”

Four days passed and the woman called again. “Rabbi Margalit,” she said, “it took me two days to pluck up the courage to take your advice. I debated with myself a lot on what was the right thing to do. Eventually, I went to the store just before closing time, and after the last customer left, I approached her and said what you suggested.”

“And what happened then?” I asked.

“To be honest, I was shocked at her response. She burst out crying and I felt so terrible, and then she said, ‘Everyone here is so heartless! I’ve lived here for decades and my husband and I have run the store for most of that time... and now, when we’re going through such a terrible time, no one pays any attention! No one cares. What’s wrong with you?’

“Then she told me that her husband was undergoing treatment at the hospital and is still in critical condition. ‘I want to be at his side, but I can’t. I need to keep the store open, so I get here every morning, haul in the boxes of bread and crates of dairy products, and from morning till evening I run the store alone without anyone offering any help. When I close at seven in the evening, I rush to take a taxi to the hospital. I’m totally wiped out but worse than that is that no one notices, no one cares.’

The story ended well, baruch Hashem. After the woman who called me spread the news, all the neighborhood residents rallied to help with practical assistance and emotional support.

Sometimes, we have to simply put the other person’s needs first. Too often, people are worried about how their inquiries will be received instead of worrying about the impact of not inquiring at all.