Overcoming Low Self-Esteem: A Journey to Self-Worth

"For many years, I’ve been struggling with my self-image. When I was a child in school, even though I was smart and hardworking, the other girls in class made fun of me. I didn’t even have one good friend to stand by me during that difficult time.

Today, I’m a mother of several children and work part-time, but occasionally I still feel like that helpless little girl who lacks the ability and strength to handle responsibilities. I find social situations challenging, and I don’t believe in myself enough. I often feel like everyone around me is better than me in some way.

I’m beginning to notice similar patterns in my eldest daughter, and it worries me. I don’t want her to go through the same difficulties I did or face the same struggles that I still deal with to this day. What do you recommend I do?"

I want to tell you how much I admire your courage in writing this letter. It’s not easy to face such painful emotions, especially when they affect both you and your daughter. You deserve recognition for taking this step.

Self-image, or self-esteem, is made up of four main components:

1. Personal strength – the sense that I can have a positive impact on my world.

2. Competence – the belief that I have the ability to succeed.

3. Moral self-worth – how I evaluate my own character and values.

4. Belonging – the sense that I matter to those who are important to me.

Each of these components influences the others. From what you’ve shared, the girls in your class who were very important to you at that time, mistreated you, and this deeply impacted your self-worth. I’d be interested to hear more about the family you grew up in- how they reacted to what you experienced in school, and the details about your relationships at home. I'd also like to hear about your current family: your relationship with your husband, your parents, and if there's someone in your life today who supports and appreciates you.

Regardless, there are things you can do now to strengthen these components in both yourself and your daughter. Let's start with you, and from that, you’ll better understand how to help your daughter as well.

There’s a principle from Torah that also holds true in emotional healing: “There is no healing unless you return to the root.” Every one of us needs a relationship with someone who believes in us and supports us. Because that was missing for you, you need to find a way to fill that gap. People without a supportive environment often suffer greatly until something changes. Prisoners in solitary confinement often fall into depression quickly. The exceptions are those who, in isolation, turned to G-d and built a strong spiritual connection.

You must know that Hashem loves you. He created you with purpose, and you can work on developing friendships with people who see the good in you.

Personal Strength- You develop personal strength when you notice your ability to positively influence the people around you. As Rebbe Nachman of Breslov said: “If you believe that you can destroy, believe that you can repair.” 

In your daily life, you bring goodness to your children, your husband, and through your work. Even something small, such as making a neighbor smile, can give you a sense of strength. Each day, try to recognize a few small things you've done that made a difference.

Competence- Every one of us has unique strengths and abilities. What are yours? It might be in cooking, dancing, teaching, or working- whatever it is, acknowledge it! It’s natural to compare ourselves to others, but this often leads to putting ourselves down. We see ourselves from the inside, with all our fears and flaws, while we only see others from the outside, which is the version they choose to show the world.

There is no need to compare yourself. Focus on the good within you- even if it seems small. Over time, it can change how you see yourself.

Moral Self-Worth- From your letter, I sense qualities such as courage, humility, deep love, and care for your daughter. What other good traits do you have? Recognizing them is not arrogance, but truth. Even Moses, the humblest man, wrote in the Torah: “And the man Moses was exceedingly humble...”

Belonging- As a child, you learned from others that you weren’t valuable. Now you need to learn a new truth: You ARE valuable. You have strength, capability, and you are loved by your Creator. This is a long-term project, but one of the most important ones you’ll ever take on- and it will influence your whole life for the better.

A good therapist, whether a psychologist, counselor, or spiritual guide can assist you in this process. "A prisoner cannot free themselves from their own chains.” Sometimes we need outside help to see the good within ourselves.

If you’ve received many messages over the years that you’re not good enough, it’s difficult to develop a new mindset, but it's not impossible. Consider learning something new or volunteering as both of these can help build friendships and strengthen your inner self.

Regarding your daughter, everything mentioned here applies to her as well. Stay in close contact with her school. Inquire about how she is doing socially, find out why other girls may be treating her unkindly, and what the school is doing to help. Find out from the teacher which girls can be good friends, and invite them over.

A child therapist or counselor who specializes in emotional development can also help your daughter build confidence and develop friendships.

Shalvi Waldman is a Charedi psychotherapist with a master's degree, treating girls, women, and couples at the "Nafshi B'She'elati" department.

If you're struggling with depression, anxiety, or low mental state, contact the "Nafshi B'She'elati" department at Hidhabrut. For guidance, call 073-3333331 or emailsarap@htv.co.il