Gratitude: Why Thankfulness Can Feel Like a Burden

Why do so many of us prefer giving to taking?

Who would you rather be—a giver or a taker? Most people prefer to be givers, but reality often forces us to accept help or favors from others. This can happen in close circles, such as with parents, siblings, spouse, or children; it can also occur in wider circles, such as with friends in the community or synagogue, colleagues at work, and more.

When someone receives a favor, they should naturally feel a sense of obligation toward their benefactor, even if the person shows no signs of expecting anything in return. There's nothing wrong with that sense of obligation—ideally, it's what motivates us to be appreciative and look for the first opportunity to return the favor and become givers ourselves.

The gift that keeps on taking

Gratitude has no expiration date—even if someone helped you out years ago, you’ll still feel indebted if you haven’t managed to do something in return. This is partly why gratitude can feel like so much of a burden, and why some people are tempted to respond in very unfortunate ways.

Take the example of someone who was in urgent need of a loan and his friend came to his aid. “Repay me when you can,” he says with a smile. “I’m glad to be able to help.”

Most people will repay once they can. Many will remain grateful—but others choose to minimize the friend’s good deed.

Why?

Shaking off the gratitude burden

Feeling indebted is uncomfortable. You may have repaid the loan, but you haven’t repaid your friend’s willingness to give and perhaps you never will be able to. You hate feeling that he’s in some way a better person than you are, even though he never said or did anything to indicate that he feels superior.

Now what?

The only thing you can do to get rid of that horrible feeling (short of praying that one day he’ll need a loan from you) is minimize the favor. There are lots of ways to accomplish this—the yetzer hara will be happy to help you get really creative. You can tell yourself:

• He has plenty of money; it wasn’t a big deal for him.
• He’s always looking for opportunities to show everyone what a “big tzaddik” he is.
• He just enjoys being superior.
• He was brought up in a family where they did this all the time—it comes naturally to him...

Human nature doesn’t change...

This isn’t a modern problem—the Talmud describes precisely this issue (Berachot 58):

“What does a good guest say? ‘Look how much trouble the host went to for me! Look how much meat he served me! Look how much wine he set on the table! ... And he did it all for me!’

“And what does a bad guest say? ‘How much trouble did the host go to for me already? I only ate one slice of bread, and a tiny piece of meat. I only drank one glass of wine! And in any case, he only went to the trouble for his wife and children...[he didn’t cook especially for me!]’”

Keeping two million people waiting

The Torah is full of examples of our ancestors and leaders exemplifying the character trait of gratitude. In fact, showing gratitude is so fundamental to being Jewish that the entire Jewish People was held up for a whole week because of one person’s gratitude.

Picture the scene: Moshe Rabbeinu is at the Burning Bush, and Hashem is speaking to him, telling him that he has to head to Egypt. He’s going to be Hashem’s emissary to free them from slavery! After 210 years, finally they are going to be free.

Does Moshe agree ecstatically and run all the way there? Not quite.

“Moshe went and returned to Jethro, his father-in-law, and he said to him: ‘Let me go...’”

Midian, where Yisro (Jethro) lived, is in the opposite direction to Egypt! The Midrash tells us that the detour took an entire week. What was so important to justify holding up the redemption of the entire Jewish People, all two million of them, for a whole week? The Midrash explains that Moshe felt indebted to his father-in-law, who had taken him into his home when he was a fugitive, and even given him his daughter’s hand in marriage. He wouldn’t leave without asking for his permission.

Why is gratitude so fundamental?

Remembering the redemption from Egypt is something we are supposed to do every single day. We’re absolutely and totally indebted to Hashem, as the Haggadah tells us: “If Hashem had not redeemed us, our descendants would still be there, enslaved...”

But do we feel a burden of gratitude to Hashem? Or do we simply feel... grateful?

The key difference is in how we understand the motive of the giver. In the case of the friend who provided the loan, it’s tempting to interpret his action as self-interested. “He just wanted to feel good about himself, at my expense!” However, ridiculous this is when we think about it, it’s plenty of material for the yetzer hara to work with and, if we’re not careful, we’ll fall into the trap.

That won’t work with Hashem. The only reason Hashem gives us anything is because He loves us. He doesn’t need anyone’s approval or admiration. So we take, and take, and take... and when we open our eyes and take notice, we feel immense joy and appreciation.

Can we use the same idea in our human relationships? Absolutely. When we accept a gift with gratitude and recognize that it was given with love, the burden evaporates and gratitude becomes a means of connection and a source of joy.