Four Key Methods for Avoiding Lashon Hara

Greater challenge = greater reward

We all know that speaking lashon hara (slander and negative speech) is forbidden, but sometimes, the temptation can be so hard to overcome. The Torah tells us that the reward for mitzvot is greater when we invest more effort; nonetheless, there are still ways to make fulfilling this mitzvah easier.

In his book Guard Your Tongue, the Chofetz Chaim provides practical advice that will encourage us to persevere and also help us to avoid situations where slipping up is more likely.

When it’s tough, pray for help

The first thing we need to recognize is that we need Hashem’s help in this area, just as we need His help in every other area of life. He’s just waiting for us to ask.

When we pray for Heavenly assistance, we acknowledge and internalize the importance of this mitzvah, and build our connection to Hashem.

The Chofetz Chaim includes a special prayer for help in the mitzvah of avoiding lashonhara in Guard Your Tongue, but we can certainly pray to Him for help in our own words, too.

If you don’t know what, you won’t know how

The laws of lashon hara aren’t complicated, but that doesn’t mean we can figure them out on our own. Some types of lashon hara are always forbidden; others are permitted in certain circumstances; and there are even times when we are obligated to divulge things about people that may reflect negatively upon them.

If we don’t study the laws, we are going to slip up.

Even a person who is generally kind and forgiving will make mistakes if he isn’t familiar with the details of this mitzvah, as the Chofetz Chaim writes:

“What good will all the ethical teachings in the world do ... if someone decides that this matter is not included in the prohibition of lashon hara, or that the Torah did not forbid speaking lashon hara about such a person? This is why we must know which matters fall under the category of lashon hara according to the law.”

Constant review of the laws is the best approach, and online programs such as those teaching two halachot (laws) every day make this easy to accomplish.

Joining a study group has additional benefits, such as the support gained from being among like-minded people all determined to avoid lashon hara.

Choose your friends carefully

One of the hardest aspects of abstaining from lashon hara can be the effect it has on your social circle. If your crowd of friends loves to gossip, what are you going to do? Sit there silently and try not to believe any of it?

In fact, even sitting there silently while people gossip away is forbidden, just as it is forbidden to participate in any gathering of people where sins are being blatantly committed. Perhaps they don’t realize yet that lashon hara is wrong. That’s very sad for them, but it still doesn’t mean you can listen to their forbidden speech.

In smaller circles of friends, you’ll hopefully be able to get across the message that lashon hara is off-limits when you’re around—you don’t want to hear it, you won’t believe it, and it won’t be fun to gossip around you.

And, if you’ve joined a study group, you may find new, more appropriate friends who have the same goals in life as you.

I don’t believe it — I won’t believe it!

Even with the best of intentions and all the effort we invest, there are still going to be times when we hear something we wish we hadn’t. The halachah requires us not only to distance ourselves from lashon hara but also to disbelieve it if we are exposed to it. (There are occasions when one may take what one hears seriously but one needs to know when and how.)

Disbelieving something you hear is not easy (which is why it’s so important not to associate with people who often speak ill of others). But that doesn’t mean it can’t be done; here are some suggestions:

• Assume that the person telling you the lashon hara left out important details which would change the picture.
• Assume that the person who “did something terrible” didn’t realize it was wrong.
• Assume that the person telling you the story misunderstood what he saw.

It is a great mitzvah to give others the benefit of the doubt—and don’t forget to judge yourself favorably as well. True, sometimes we stumble, but Hashem sees our efforts. Let’s continue learning and encouraging one another to take small but sure steps, and with Hashem’s help, we will eventually get there!

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