How to Handle Your Child’s Nightmares

Every parent knows that sometimes, right in the middle of the night, a child may wake up in a panic after having a nightmare and head straight for their parents' bed. They seek comfort, wanting to curl up next to mom and receive a warm hug. But why does this happen?

First, let's understand how a child experiences a dream. Dreams, as we know, belong to the realm of imagination, a faculty that is highly developed in children.

The Link Between Memory and Imagination

Rabbi Pinhas of Korets says in his book "Imrei Pinhas":

"A child has a stronger memory because of their imaginative power. As they grow, they rely more on wisdom and less on memory, and when they grow old, their wisdom increases further."

Imagination as an Outer Function of Intelligence

In other words, imagination is an outer expression of intelligence. The core of intelligence, known as wisdom, relates only to the true reality of any act—the consequences perceived by the mind, emotions, and lasting influence—as realities; the mere physical appearance, seen by the naked eye, is only secondary, serving as an external guise for the inner purpose.

For instance, when a chasid goes to a "tish" with his child, the child notices only what's physically visible—the crowd of black suits and numerous heads. This external view might appear in a dream fueled by imagination, because imagination isn't necessarily tied to real reality and can be endlessly recreated in one’s mind.

On the other hand, the parent sees the same scene but perceives it differently: a gathering of Jews with a shared goal—divine service. To them, it's an expression of heavenly majesty, and if they are more spiritually attuned, they might even sense the sacred and pure spirit enveloping the gathering.

This perception by the parent, a spiritual vision processed through the brain's realm of wisdom, can only recur if the same sacred spirit rests upon them again—a spiritual aspect, not mere imagination. This sanctity would only appear in dreams preceded by a genuine acceptance of divine sovereignty.

A Child’s Connection to Visualization

Even when faced with true reality, a child is attached to its visual aspect. This enhanced imagination in children utilizes the brain's pictorial faculties without being bound by real-world constraints.

This explains why a child's imagination sometimes rivals, or even surpasses, their grasp of reality. Coupled with sleep—a time when imagination thrives unchecked—the vividness of dreams can be quite striking, justifying their fright.

The Childlike Aspect in Everyone

To a certain degree, everyone possesses an inner child that awakens based on their spiritual level. The entire world combines imagination and reality. The world's true reality, guided by intelligence, connects to Hashem, who alone sustains it. Yet, naturally, we often focus on the world's illustrative power: its appearance, size, and color, rather than discerning its true substance.

Human spiritual work involves enhancing intelligence—which recognizes only enduring realities—and perceiving fleeting imagery as mere illusion. This is essentially the struggle between wisdom, which views divine power as reality and opposes deceptive illusions, and base desires, which consider imagination to be genuine reality. The essence of worldly pleasure lies in imagination, which fails to distinguish between spiritual life and physical substance, leading people to desire worldly material instead of divine light.

This is why Rambam teaches that desires dominate where wisdom does not prevail, with wisdom known as "the grave of desires" because it buries earthly inclinations.

Imagination as a Tool for Wisdom

That said, imagination is not inherently flawed. It can complement true reality, acting as a bridge to factual existence. For a chasid devoted to their rebbe, imagining their presence continuously is legitimate, as it pertains to their spirit and boundless holiness. Kabbalistic texts clarify that imagination is a potent tool for spiritual aspirations when coupled with intelligence.

The Value of a Righteous Person’s Imagination

When someone uses their imagination properly, even dreams can hold significance, as they align with intelligence, turning dreams into visions connected with divine reality. As Rabbi Nachman of Breslov explains, pure and clear imagination in dreams can act as "angels" revealing divine insights, unlike the confusing illusions of this world.

When a child dreams, their already active imagination grows infinitely, while their limited intelligence diminishes. As understood by the Mahara”sh of Lubavitch, sleep particularly enhances "small-mindedness," amplifying imagination beyond rational truth—hence dreams might defy logic, much like a child's seemingly unreasonable desires.

Thus, combining the "small-mindedness" of dreams with a child's natural tendency towards imagination, we end up with exaggerated imaginings.

This explains why dream imagery, born from unrestricted imaginative power, seems very real to children. It is common for a child to wake up in terror, crying due to the dream’s impact.

Parental Influence on a Child's Dreams

Experts suggest that a child’s dream content is heavily influenced by the moments just before sleep. It's crucial to avoid sending a child to bed following anger or punishment. Even if a scolding is necessary, waiting a bit and seeing them off with a hug or kind words can help them sleep with positive thoughts, reducing the likelihood of nightmarish dreams.

Back to our topic: although the child’s fright seems justified by their dreams, parents can mitigate this by asking the child to recount their dreams. Sharing dreams with someone else incorporates the listener’s perception, giving the dreams realistic proportions—mere imagination, helping the child calm down.

In addition to engaging their parents in their dream world, the comforting gestures of a hug or kiss can completely dispel the dream's negative influence.

However, if words aren’t enough to soothe the child, particularly depending on their age, should they be allowed to sleep in their parents' bed? We'll explore this question in the next article.

Written by Rabbi Yehuda Wingarten, author of "Explained Chassidut" and chairman of the Chassidut Foundation, contact email – 9260874@gmail.com