Rebuke in Jewish Law: The Torah's Guide to Honest, Loving Connection

How and when should one offer reproof in Judaism? This article explores the Torah’s guidelines on giving tochachah—constructive reproof—and the delicate balance between correcting others and preserving their dignity. Drawing from halachic sources, it clarifies when rebuking is a mitzvah, when it is discouraged, and how to do it with wisdom, humility, and care.

The Commandment to Give Rebuke: “You Shall Surely Reprove Your Fellow”

The Torah states, “Hoche’ach tochi’ach et amitechah ve’lo tisa alav chet—You shall surely reprove your fellow and not bear sin because of him” (Vayikra 19:17). From here we understand that it is an obligation to correct someone who has sinned or is about to sin, with the aim of returning them to the right path. Not only that, but a person who is in a position to guide a person to improve their ways and does not do so, is held partially culpable for that person’s transgressions.

According to the Talmud (Shabbat 119b), failure to give tochachah, to reprove others for their wrongdoing was one of the causes of the destruction of the Second Temple. Had they pointed out each other’s failings in their early stages, the continued spiritual decline and ensuing calamity could have been averted.

Reproving others and guiding them back to the correct path is also included in the mitzvah of Hashavat Aveidah — “returning the lost object.” Here, the “lost object” is the soul itself, which is spiritually lost when one strays from Torah values.

When and How to Reprove: Guidelines in Halachah

Confronting Sin

If someone sins against another person or against Hashem, it is forbidden for those who witness it to remain silent. They must inform the sinner of where they have gone wrong and of the harm they have caused and ask why they acted as they did.

The Wise Accept Rebuke

A person who can accept rebuke is considered wise in the eyes of the Torah. Such a person acknowledges that spiritual growth requires ethical guidance and is grateful for being made aware of the areas in which improvements need to be made.

As Shlomo Hamelech (King Solomon) said, “The ear that listens to life-giving rebuke will dwell among the wise” (Mishlei-Proverbs 15:31).

Avoid Reproving on Uncertain Grounds

If there is any uncertainty regarding whether a sin has been committed, the Talmud cautions that one should not jump to conclusions or rely on hearsay, and should instead refrain from giving tochachah.

Are You the Right Person to Give Reproof?

The Talmudic Sages state clearly that even in a case where a sin was definitely committed, a person who himself sometimes commits that sin may not give reproof.

Refrain if Reproof Will Backfire

If giving reproof is likely to provoke hatred or revenge, it is better to refrain from doing so. Likewise, if it is clear that the sinner will not accept the reproof and has no desire to mend his ways, one should remain silent as giving tochachah will only make the situation worse.

Rebuking Parents

If a person sees his parent transgressing a mitzvah, he should not confront them directly as this would be a transgression of the mitzvah of kibbud av va’eim (honoring one’s father and mother).

Instead, he should raise the issue indirectly (e.g., via a story told about someone else, or by attributing the transgression to himself), in the hope that they will realize their error themselves.

If they do not recognize where they have gone wrong, the child can enlist someone else to speak with them with respect, or try himself to gently and respectfully explain things, while being extremely careful to give them the full benefit of the doubt and making it clear that he continues to view his parents with respect.

In cases where only the child and not the parent is Torah-observant, one should consult with one’s rabbi on how to approach this mitzvah.

The Manner of Reproof

Match the Reprover to the Recipient

Choosing the right person to deliver the reproof is essential, as one must take the recipient’s personality into consideration.

Speak from the Heart

Reproof must be sincere and compassionate, with the genuine intention of benefiting the person who needs to be guided back to the correct path. One should always speak gently, and in a manner that avoids causing unnecessary humiliation.

Private Reproof Only

Publicly shaming a person is such a serious sin that the Talmud likens it to shedding a person’s blood. Pirkei Avot (the Ethics of the Fathers) states that, “A person who embarrasses his fellow-man in public ... has no share in the World to Come.”

Therefore, it is forbidden to give tochachah when others may overhear.

When Public Tochachah Is Permitted

Shaming others in public is ordinarily forbidden, but there are specific instances where it is permitted and sometimes even advisable to publicize a sin that has been committed.

This can apply in cases of blatant heresy or severe sins committed with defiance against the Torah, as long as the person giving the rebuke has no personal interest in the matter.

However, a rabbi should first be consulted in order to ensure that the specific instance warrants public tochachah.

Making Rebuke Easier to Accept

Use Indirect Methods

Reproof need not be given in person. It can also be conveyed in a letter, or by giving someone a book that deals with the area of concern.

It is often helpful for the person giving the rebuke to frame the issue as one that challenges him, personally, as well (even if he exaggerates in order to create this impression). Then the person can ask for advice on how the matter can be addressed.

Timing and Spacing

If the issue is complex, it may be better to address it in parts, so as not to overwhelm the person.

Picking the right time to give the rebuke is essential! Choose a calm moment when emotions are not running high.

There are a few cases, however, where one should not hesitate but should give tochachah right away:

• If someone is publicly desecrating Hashem’s Name.
• If someone is insulting Torah scholars, or their parents.
• If someone is about to intentionally transgress.

Tochachah Done Right: A Mitzvah with Eternal Impact

Reproof is not about judging others — it’s about caring enough to help someone return to their true self. In a world that often confuses silence for kindness, the Torah teaches us to find the courage to speak — with compassion, clarity, and conscience.