A Journey Through Uncertainty and Faith: A Personal Reflection

"Last week we had a check-up with our professor, the oncologist," writes N in a moving and touching post. "After a long conversation about this and that, I dared to ask him, with trepidation and reverence, what's next. What does he think lies ahead for us, and what if one thing happens over another.... He looked at me in surprise, widened his eyes and responded in a chastising tone: 'You?? You are asking me what will be? You're a person of faith... Can I tell you what will be? There is what there is! And that's what you should rejoice in! Rejoice greatly!'

"I listened. And I thanked him. A big thank you. For reminding me of my place once again. How much we want to know, how much we cling to the illusion that we know something...", N continues, "We buy houses, mortgages, life insurance, health insurance, plan our future, dream about it... until Hashem Himself comes, gathers us to Him with mercy, embraces us and sets us on a new path, in an unseeded land. So that we may sow new lights, new longings, new prayers, a new connection."

"The difference between being and not being is almost incomprehensible. One moment of health and afterwards comes illness. In the blink of an eye. It appeared like that with us too. When Y called to inform me of the arrival of cancer into our lives, I felt in my body how the difference between 'knowing' and 'not knowing' is thin, fragile, and frightening. And only after I agreed in the depths of my heart and soul to surrender to the guidance of Hashem, to fall into His outstretched arms, to believe there are no mistakes here, to open my eyes and begin to breathe – I was able to see the path we are walking, and the road that awaits us," writes the heroic N.

The post continues to describe profound life insights. "It was revealed to me – that, surprisingly, we're not alone. Before everything there was us, this with that and that with this. I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine. And already it was better for us. Behind us and around us walked our children. Larger than life, strong, sweet, joyful, and cheerful, they continued to be themselves in their charming and simple way, continued to make familiar music in our ears – of routine, of quarrels, of joyful shouts, of ninja jumps on dad's aching belly, of ordinary, everyday questions that made the road more familiar, and were like living water to the soul, expanding the heart and filling it with joy and gratitude. And behind them walked with us dad and mom and all our many sweet siblings, and they are many, spread a blanket of warmth and love and security over us, and told us again and again: 'We are here, with you, going with you, walking beside you and if the road is tough – we are here.' And breathing became easier, simpler and stronger. And behind them were grandparents and uncles and aunts, from whom we heard soft tunes of prayer accompanying us, lifting us upward, carrying us along the road, holding us firmly so that we would not be ashamed or disgraced. And behind them, our friends. The dear, sweet, righteous, curious, assisting, bringing, cooking, baking, laughing and crying, asking from nearby, and praying from afar, worried and calm, hugging and lowering their gaze, speaking and silent."

"Strength joined strength, heart joined heart, and the road shows us many faces of love, charm, and kindness. And within all this and above all this a thread connects between souls, leading all of us with kindness and mercy – our Father, our King. I imagine Him from a bird's-eye view, from His seat at the Throne of Glory, looking at this magnificent scene with admiration, with love, with good eyes, delighting in sacred moments of pleasure, in many carrying the one, what a commitment, how much love."

"And for all this, and for all the goodness bestowed upon us, it is good to give thanks. Good to give thanks because it is a spiritual movement worthwhile to adopt. Suddenly the eye learns to see good. To see that what initially looks like nothingness – is also presence. It sees that as great as the challenge is, the sweetness at its end is equally great, it sees that there is no need to wait for the end of the journey to enjoy the view, not to wait for this moment to pass and only hope for what might be revealed afterwards, but to succeed in being present in the current revelation, in everything that exists now. To see that we have grown, to see that the soul is expanding, and to prepare vessels for the abundance that might still be revealed."

"King David taught us in the Song of Shabbat that 'It is good to thank Hashem' and maybe we need to learn it like this: good – to thank! To train the eyes and the heart to 'grab' gratitude... If there is good, then thank! Let us not wait, let us not settle, let us not say 'but', let us not ask 'maybe', or 'if'... let us not hesitate, let us not delay, let it be simple for us to see the good and immediately be filled with gratitude."

"So I give thanks to Hashem for all the moments that made this period so special and fulfilling, and it will be strange but true if I say even so amazing. Thank you for the void that made the existence shine anew, that sharpened our point of desire, a simple desire – to live healthy lives and rejoice in them. Thank you for the pain without which we would not understand how good it is when it is absent, thank you for the remedies you sent us, thank you for all the enlightening people we met along the way, and especially for enabling us to meet ourselves."

The spouse ends the post with a personal thank you to the Creator: "And a personal thank you from me to You, Master of the Universe, that You granted me the privilege to stand by Y's side, and see with my own eyes what courage and faith truly are in action. I ask you, Hashem, that we shall see complete healing in the days to come, for us, and for all the sick among Your people Israel, and that You will bless us to grow with a generous hand, and to learn with a joyful heart to delight in You, without trials and without disgrace, heaven forbid. In the book of life, blessing and peace, may we be remembered and inscribed before You, we and all Your people the house of Israel, for good life and peace," concludes N in the inspiring post.