Honoring Parents: How Should a Married Woman Behave Toward Her Parents?

Domestic Harmony

A married woman is exempt from feeding, giving drink to, and serving her father and mother, since she is obligated to fulfill her duties to her husband. If she neglects her home, it may cause discord and disrupt the peace in the house, Heaven forbid.

However, if this doesn't cause any disruption to her husband and he has no objection—for example, if her husband returns home only in the evening, and she can manage her husband's needs, household tasks, and her parents' needs during the day—then she is obligated to attend to her parents' needs. (557, 514)

When a woman occasionally visits her parents' home in her free time, she is obligated to attend to their needs, according to all the laws of honor mentioned above. (514)

If the husband agrees that his wife may serve her parents even though it might delay household matters, the wife is obligated to honor them and attend to their needs. (507)

A father or mother who needs their daughter for some service should be careful not to command her when she is busy with her husband's needs. (Sefer Chasidim, 515)

This includes that it's inappropriate for parents to have lengthy phone conversations with their daughter when she is busy with her husband's needs, and all the more so, a daughter should not have lengthy conversations with her parents or friends when her husband needs her. This is a fundamental and important principle in maintaining domestic harmony. Nevertheless, even if the wife makes a mistake, her husband should not get angry or be upset with her at all, but rather speak to her with love and pleasantness, and thus she will accept his words, for "the words of the wise spoken gently are heard."

"Always Speak Your Words Gently"

The book Kol Bo states: Women customarily draw water on Saturday nights, as explained in the Midrash Aggadah, that Miriam's well, which is found in the Sea of Tiberias, circulates among all the wells and springs every Saturday night, and anyone who is ill who happens upon these waters and drinks from them, even if their entire body is covered with boils, is immediately healed. There was a story about a man who was covered with boils, and his wife would draw water every Saturday night, hoping to chance upon Miriam's well. One Saturday night, she went and was delayed by talking with her friend, and precisely on that Saturday night, Miriam's well happened to come to her, and she filled her jug with those waters. When she came to her husband, he was angry with her for being late, and in his anger, the jug fell from her shoulder and broke, and drops of water fell on his skin. Wherever the water splashed, the boils were healed. But if the water had not spilled and he had drunk and bathed in it, he would have been completely healed. About this, the Sages said (Kiddushin 40b): "The hot-tempered person gains nothing but his anger," may Hashem save us. (Beit Yosef, Orach Chaim 299)

The Commandment of Reverence

A married woman is obligated in the commandment of reverence for father and mother, since generally this does not interfere with the duties she has toward her husband. Therefore, she is obligated to stand in the presence of her parents, is forbidden to sit in their designated places, and is forbidden to contradict or overrule their words, as explained above in the laws of reverence. (327, Honoring Parents 127)

A woman should be very careful in her speech with her mother, since it is common for mothers to chat extensively with their daughters, and unintentionally the daughter may contradict her words or speak to her improperly.

Divorced. Widowed.

A woman who has divorced or been widowed is once again obligated by law to honor her parents. (Siman 240, Section 17)