Honoring Parents: Respecting Father and Mother Through Messengers

One's Agent - As Oneself

There are commandments that can be performed through a messenger, meaning that a person appoints someone to perform the commandment on their behalf, and it's considered as if the sender performed the commandment themselves.

For example: a person can appoint a messenger to betroth a woman for him. Even though only the groom himself can betroth a woman, and no other person can betroth on his behalf, nevertheless the Torah innovated that if the groom appoints a messenger, we say "a person's messenger is like himself," meaning that the person's messenger is considered as the person himself, and when the messenger gives the ring to the woman, it's as if the groom himself gave it, and the woman is betrothed to the groom. But without the groom's appointment of a messenger, she is not betrothed to him at all.

However, for commandments that are personal and bodily, such as wearing tzitzit, putting on tefillin, or taking the lulav, it is not effective to appoint a messenger; only the person himself can fulfill the commandment. Therefore, regarding the commandment of honoring father and mother - if the commandment is personal, such as standing in respect for one's parents, it is not effective to appoint a messenger who will stand in place of the child when the parents enter. But in cases where the commandment is not merely personal, such as feeding one's parents, dressing them and so forth, which involves the parents' bodies, the child is permitted by law to appoint a messenger to serve the parents.

However, the highest merit in fulfilling a commandment is when it is performed by the person himself and not through a messenger, as we have the principle: "It is more meritorious to perform a commandment oneself than through a messenger." Therefore, here too, the child should try to perform the commandment himself, but if it is difficult for him for whatever reason, he is permitted to appoint a messenger, and he will have fulfilled his obligation of the commandment.

If the parents insist that only their child should fulfill their request, such as in personal matters where they would be embarrassed for someone else to serve them, the child should make every effort to fulfill their request himself, and not through a messenger. But if he cannot, he is permitted to appoint a messenger, but should explain nicely to them that it's not possible for him to do it himself. (224)

Honor Even When Difficult

Even if honoring causes the child distress and difficulty, he is still obligated to honor. Therefore, an elderly father who needs constant and prolonged care, requiring the son to spend much time with his father, is obligated to honor him. However, he may also appoint a messenger to properly care for his father. Nevertheless, if the honor causes the son to become ill and bedridden, and it is impossible to appoint a messenger, the son is exempt from fulfilling the commandment. This is because the Torah's ways are ways of pleasantness; it was given for life, and not for one to fulfill the commandment and become ill. (Leket Yosher, Besamim Rosh, Binyan Olam. 2:186)

And in the Assembly of Elders They Will Praise Him

Ideally, one should not send parents to a nursing home, but rather bring them into one's home, where the person and their family will care for them appropriately. However, if the parents are not comfortable living in their child's house, but prefer to go to a nursing home, one should send them to a nursing home, but be sure to visit them very frequently. When there are several brothers and sisters, they should take turns as needed, but the main thing is to be careful not to neglect them there, God forbid, as this causes them distress, and the sin is very severe. (229)

Payment for Nursing Homes

As explained above, the expenses for honoring parents come from the parents' money, but in a case where the parents have no money, the children need to take care of all the funding needs, as much as they can afford, so that the parents can be relaxed and happy. And if the children cannot afford all that is needed, they should make every effort to obtain it from various sources, and the merit of this commandment will protect them a thousandfold, and Hashem will reward their deed, and their reward will be complete from Hashem, and Hashem will grant them robust health, long days and years of life in goodness and pleasantness. (229)

For the Parents' Benefit

If for the benefit of the parents, it is better for them to be in a nursing home, such as if they are not in the best health, and there in the nursing home, besides providing for all their needs like eating, bathing, laundry and more, there is also a medical team available to treat them when needed, it is advisable to explain to the parents in a very nice and gentle manner that this is for their benefit, and not, God forbid, because they want to avoid honoring them, and promise them that they will not neglect them at all, and will visit them as much as possible, until they accept it happily and with understanding. It is also good to take them beforehand to visit the place and see it, and the main thing is that everything should be in a joyful atmosphere, with honor and dignity. (229)

There was a case of an elderly Jew who lived alone in his house. One morning, when he returned from the sunrise prayer, he saw that his entire house was turned upside down, and it became clear that during the night, thieves had entered his house, and by Hashem's kindness, he was accustomed to leaving very early for the synagogue, and thus was saved from them. But from then on, his children feared for his safety, and asked Rabbi Yehuda Tzadka of blessed memory if they should send him to a nursing home, and the Rabbi told them to show him the place, and if he agreed to it, to take him there. And so it was, they went with him to see the place and he liked it, and agreed to go. And he merited to benefit the many there day by day, organizing the prayer quorum for weekdays and Shabbat, and he would go to all the elderly Saudi residents who were unable, and put tefillin on them. And also during the Sukkot holiday, he did not want to stay with his family members, because he would go from elderly person to elderly person, enabling them to take the Four Species.

Domestic Peace

If a son wants to bring his parents into his home, and care for them himself with dedication, but his wife does not agree, how should he act? First, he should try to talk to her about the importance of the commandment and the merit of caring for his parents and making them happy, and how great the reward is from Hashem, and according to the difficulty in performing the commandment, so is the reward multiplied, as our Sages said (Avot of Rabbi Nathan, chapter 3, mishna 6), "Great is the reward for a commandment performed with difficulty, distress, and hardship, a hundred times more than a commandment performed with ease and without distress." (229) [And see in the Midrash Shir HaShirim Rabba on the verse "The thousand is for you, Solomon, and two hundred for those who guard its fruit," Rabbi Chiya bar Rabbi Abba said: One who performs with difficulty receives a thousand, one who performs without difficulty receives two hundred as his reward. From whom do you learn this? From the tribe of Naphtali and the tribe of Issachar. The tribe of Naphtali, because they engaged in and studied Torah with difficulty, received a reward of a thousand, as it says (Chronicles I 12:35): "And from Naphtali, captains a thousand," but the tribe of Issachar, because they studied Torah without difficulty, as Zebulun provided for all their needs, received a reward of two hundred, as it says (ibid 33), "their chiefs two hundred."]

A person has no idea how much these actions that he makes an effort for his parents protect him and his household from bad things, God forbid, as told at length above in the Aggadic section in the article "Effort for Effort," see there and you will derive satisfaction.

Nevertheless, if the parents are not comfortable, and interfere in the couple's affairs, and peace is damaged in the home with his wife, he is permitted to send them to a nursing home, but in any case, it's advisable to ask a sage, and do this with all honor and dignity, so they will not be distressed, God forbid. (229)

Lest His Reward Be Canceled by His Loss

There is a story about a Jew who came up with his widowed mother from abroad to settle in the Land of Israel, and wanted to house his mother in his home with all his family, so he could provide for all her needs, but first he went to ask the opinion of the Gaon Chazon Ish. The Rabbi said to him: This is not the right way, because since he will stay with her permanently, it is inevitable that over time and due to the burden, he will sometimes offend her honor, and then his reward will be canceled by his loss. Therefore, it is better that he provide her with her own home, and all her needs, and send her female family members to help her, and thus she will enjoy more, and he will fulfill the commandment of honoring his mother properly and appropriately. (Ask Your Father and He Will Tell You. 232)

In any case, in a situation where it is not possible to leave the parents in their home, and they must be with them, or they are distressed when they are alone, and the son brings them to his home, he should be careful not to stumble, God forbid, in prohibitions, because due to the trouble and effort to honor them, he might say things that are not according to their honor or hint at hints that are not according to their honor, and his reward will be canceled by his loss.

Confused Minds

If one's father or mother has become mentally disturbed, one should try to deal with them according to their mental state, until Hashem has mercy on them and they return to clear thinking. But if they have become severely deranged, and it is impossible for him to properly care for them, he is permitted to go and command others to properly care for them as appropriate for them. (Section 240:10)

Memory Loss

If one's father or mother has developed memory loss, one should keep a watchful eye on them, not allowing them to go alone from place to place, so they will not get lost, God forbid. And one should put on their necks a tag engraved with their name, place of residence, and telephone number.