Caring for Elderly Parents According to Jewish Law

The mitzvah of honoring one’s parents becomes especially complex as they grow older and begin to need real help — sometimes daily, sometimes around the clock. What if your parents prefer a nursing home, or your spouse isn’t on board with them moving in? Can you hire a caregiver and still fulfill your Torah obligation? This article explores the halachic principles and real-life guidance behind these questions, balancing respect, responsibility, and family harmony. While the Torah permits appointing someone to help with certain tasks, the deeper question is: When is it appropriate to step back, and when is it essential to step up?

Personal Involvement vs. Delegating Help

The first thing to know here is that there is a Torah principle called “sheluchoshel adam k’moto,” which means that a person’s agent is considered to be like the person himself. This principle applies to many mitzvot. The classic example is of a man who appoints a representative to betroth a woman to him in marriage on his behalf. Halachically, this is as if he gave her the ring himself.

While this works with many kinds of mitzvot, it doesn’t work in cases where the mitzvah requires the person to involve his own body, such as wearing tzitzit, donning tefillin, or waving the lulav on Sukkot. All these and more must be done in person.

When it comes to honoring parents (kibbud av va’eim), some actions can be delegated while others cannot:

If the mitzvah is fulfilled bodily — such as standing up when a parent enters the room — it must be done personally.

If the mitzvah is about the parent’s needs — such as going shopping for them, accompanying them to appointments, or feeding and dressing them — it may be performed by a caregiver or assistant appointed by the child.

That said, even when halachah permits a child to delegate, the rule remains: “Mitzvah bo yoter mibeshelucho—It is more meritorious to fulfill a mitzvah yourself than via someone else.”

Therefore, a child should try to serve their parents themselves whenever possible. But if that becomes too difficult, hiring help is permitted, and the mitzvah is still fulfilled.

When Parents Want Their Child, Not a Caregiver

Sometimes, parents insist that only their children themselves should be involved in caring for them, especially when it comes to private or sensitive matters. Even if it’s difficult, the child should do their utmost to comply.

If they truly cannot, they may hire someone else, but should explain this gently and respectfully, so that the parents understand the child’s limitations and aren’t hurt by the change.

When the Mitzvah Feels Overwhelming

The mitzvah of honoring parents applies even when it is emotionally or physically difficult. If a parent requires long-term, demanding care that consumes the child’s time and energy, the obligation still stands.

However, the child may also arrange for someone else to care for the parent “as is fitting.” And, if fulfilling the mitzvah directly would cause the child to become ill — and no one else can step in — the child is exempt. The Torah was given to promote life and well-being, not to bring suffering.

Should You Take Your Parents Into Your Own Home?

Ideally, a child should invite aging parents who are not longer capable of living independently, to live in their home where they can care for them directly. This is considered one of the highest levels of giving honor.

However, if a parent is uncomfortable living with their child, or prefers the relative independence or atmosphere of a care facility, it is permissible to send them to a nursing home. In that case, the child must:

• Visit them frequently, ideally many times a week.
• Coordinate with siblings (if applicable) to take shifts or rotate visits.
• Ensure the parents are never neglected, as that causes deep pain and is considered a severe wrongdoing.

Who Pays for Elder Care?

As a general rule, the parents’ own money should be used to cover expenses related to their care.

If they lack sufficient funds, the children are responsible for financing their care according to their ability. If they cannot afford everything, they should make every effort to raise funds from other sources.

The merit of this mitzvah protects and blesses those who fulfill it with long life.

When a Nursing Home May Be the Better Option

Sometimes a nursing home may actually be the wisest and most beneficial option. If a parent has significant medical needs, or if living with children would cause them discomfort or shame, it may be best to relocate them somewhere with:

• On-site access to medical professionals
• Meals, laundry, bathing assistance, and more
• A supportive social environment

In such a case, the child should gently and lovingly explain that this is for the parent’s well-being and not to get out of caring for them.

They should also promise ongoing involvement, and visit as much as possible.

If feasible, the child should bring the parent for a visit first, so they can see the place for themselves.

What If Your Spouse Objects?

What if someone wants to bring their parent into their home, but their spouse does not agree?

First of all, they should speak to their spouse with love and emphasize the importance of the mitzvah. They should highlight how great the reward is, especially when it’s challenging. As our Sages said in the Midrash:

“The reward for a mitzvah done with hardship is a hundredfold greater than one done with ease.”

At the same time, shalom bayit (marital harmony) is a core Torah value. If the parents’ presence disrupts the marriage (especially if they interfere in the couple’s personal affairs), the child may send them to a care facility, provided it is done with respect and following consultation with a Torah authority.

When the Mitzvah Could Cause Harm

A true story:

A certain person wanted his widowed mother to live with his family so he could personally care for her. Before acting, he consulted the Chazon Ish, one of the leading Torah authorities of the post-war period.

The Chazon Ish responded: “This is not the best option. Living with her daily, which will involve significant stress, will probably lead to the son unintentionally disrespected his mother, and then, ‘thee reward of the mitzvah will be lost in its failure,’ as the Torah states.”

Instead, the Chazon Ish advised the man to set his mother up in her own home, provide for all her needs, and arrange help from other family members. This way, she would be happier — and the mitzvah would be fulfilled properly.

In cases where there is no other option and a parent must live in an adult child’s home even when this causes significant stress, the child must be extremely careful not to speak or act disrespectfully, especially when he or she is tired or overwhelmed. Otherwise, the very effort to fulfill the mitzvah could result in transgression.

When a Parent’s Mental State Deteriorates

If a parent loses their mental clarity, the child should continue to treat them with gentleness and compassion, according to the parent’s current mental state. One should pray for their recovery and do all they can to preserve their dignity.

If a parent becomes completely unmanageable, and the child cannot care for them properly, it is permissible to assign others to take over the responsibility — again, as long as it is done properly and respectfully.

A parent suffering from memory loss should not be allowed to wander around unaccompanied.

Ultimately, the mitzvah of honoring parents is not only about duty but about gratitude, love, and reverence for the ones who gave us life. Whether it means caring for them personally at home, arranging proper help, or ensuring they are comfortable and respected in a nursing facility, the goal is always the same: to uphold their dignity and bring them joy in their later years.

When carried out with sincerity, patience, and compassion, this mitzvah becomes a profound source of blessing — not only for our parents, but for ourselves and our families as well.