Why Does the Torah Pronounce a Curse on Someone Who Disrespects His Parents?

The Torah states, “Cursed is the person who disrespects his father or mother” (Deuteronomy 27:16). The Hebrew word used for “disrespect” literally translates as “degrades,” implying that anything that cheapens the value of the person is included in this prohibition.

This includes not just insulting words, but even disrespectful gestures such as rolling one’s eyes or smirking. According to the Talmudic Sages, even silently harboring disrespect in one’s heart is forbidden. A person who acts in this way is described as “cursed” — a label that expresses the severity of the transgression.

Respect Means Restraint—Even When You Disagree

There will always be times when a person feels frustrated with their parents and disagrees with them. The question is what happens next. Arguing with them, laughing at them, or even just saying, “You’re wrong” is forbidden.

Maimonides (Rambam) rules clearly that someone who disrespects a parent even with a gesture is included in this curse. The Sefer Chareidim (a medieval book of ethics and law) adds that even someone who merely feels disrespect in their heart transgresses this mitzvah.

In truth, it’s only the familiarity and closeness we feel to our parents that distorts the way we sometimes view this issue. If it was our boss, or our commanding officer, saying something we disagreed with, we would be far less likely to disagree, mock, or become confrontational — even if we knew that we were one hundred percent right.

Furthermore, if we’re being honest, we’ll admit that parents are right a lot more often than we like to admit…

But the root of this mitzvah (as with all mitzvot) is the simple fact that God has commanded it.

Difficult Parents? How About Difficult Children…

Even if someone has parents who are genuinely difficult or not especially nurturing, they must understand: this is their reality, just like their height or voice or body type. Just as a person accepts intrinsic and unchangeable parts of themselves (and expects their parents to do likewise), they must accept their parents as they are.

To do otherwise is to fight against what God has given them, and to doubt that God knew best when He gave them those specific parents.

Guarding Speech—and Tone

Unfortunately, some parents speak to their children too casually or openly. This over-familiarity can lead to the child losing the proper sense of awe and respect that would otherwise feel natural. Parents should of course be warm and loving — but they must also maintain a certain distance and dignity, for their children’s sake.

If a child speaks to their parents disrespectfully, they must be corrected and guided firmly but kindly. As King Solomon wrote, “Train a child according to his way; even when he grows old, he will not depart from it.” We shouldn’t wait for our children to grow up and “figure it out themselves.” By then, their natural sense of respect for their parents will be so eroded that it will be very hard to restore.

Staying Out of Marital Conflict

If the parents themselves are having a conflict, the children should not take sides, even if one or both parents ask them to. Doing so could lead to disrespecting one of them (or both), even unintentionally.

Instead, the proper path is to gently suggest that the parents seek advice from a wise and experienced counselor who can help them resolve the issue in peace and mutual understanding.

Apologizing for Past Disrespect

If a child has ever spoken or acted toward a parent in a disrespectful way, they are obligated to apologize and make clear they regret their mistake. They must be extremely careful not to repeat it.

Additionally, before Yom Kippur, every person must ask forgiveness from their father and mother for anything they did wrong during the year. Failing to do so is itself a form of disrespect, because no one can claim they’ve never fallen short. We all slip in this area from time to time.

If the child is immature or somehow unable to form the words of an apology, the parents should say aloud: “We forgive our son/daughter for anything he/she did against us. May he/she not be punished on our account.” The Talmud teaches that it is incredibly difficult to fully honor one’s parents, as we are judged for even small failings. Loving and caring parents will not seek to make this mitzvah even harder for their children.

A Final Word: Choosing Honor, Always

The Torah demands that we honor and respect our parents, in thought, word, and deed. In a culture that often mocks authority and celebrates sarcasm, this mitzvah helps to ground us in Divine wisdom that keeps us on the right track and enables us to live lives of holiness.