Honoring Parents: What Behavior Is Considered Disrespectful to Parents?

From the Torah

The Torah states (Deuteronomy 27:16): "Cursed is the one who dishonors his father and mother." The term "dishonors" means 'disrespects,' and even if one does not disrespect verbally but merely by gesture, such as winking or similar actions, they are cursed by Hashem, Heaven forbid. Even disrespect in thought alone is forbidden. (Section 241:6. Charedim. 85)

Proper Conduct

The Or Letzion writes (Wisdom and Ethics 217): "Sometimes a person disagrees with their parents and laughs at them, or tells them they are wrong and the like. One should know that this falls under the curse of dishonoring father and mother. The Rambam ruled: One who shames their father or mother, even with words or mere gestures, is cursed by the Almighty, as it says: 'Cursed is the one who dishonors his father and mother.' The Charedim writes that even disrespect in thought violates this curse.

Therefore, one must be very careful in showing reverence to their father and mother, similar to the respect required toward a military commander. Even if their words don't seem right to you, you must not disrespect them because of military order and regulations. Similarly, this applies to father and mother. Even if they are not right, one must listen to them, as this is the decree of the King of kings upon us (except when their wishes contradict our holy Torah). Furthermore, usually they are right and not you, and when their way seems troublesome to you, know with certainty that generally it is your perspective that is problematic.

This is not enough; one must truly honor them and feel that they are like a crown on one's head, not just in action but also in heart. [The Charedim counts honoring parents among the commandments dependent on the heart.] When your mother cooks or prepares something for you, praise her wholeheartedly, as this is her joy and you honor her through this. It is absolutely forbidden to criticize her handiwork, and it is unthinkable to treat your mother as one would treat a servant obligated to cook for you.

Even if one was not blessed with such agreeable parents, and even if it seems they provoke you in certain cases, know that this is something that cannot be changed, like a person born tall or short. Would it make sense not to love oneself? Since these things cannot be changed, one must come to terms with them." These are the sacred words of our teacher and rabbi, Chacham Ben Zion Abba Shaul of blessed memory.

Preventive Caution

A son who says to his father, for example: "How strong you are, every day you lift so many boxes, what's it to you to lift this?" - this is disrespectful to his father. Unfortunately, there are parents who, due to excessive familiarity with their children, cause their children to disrespect them and speak to them without proper honor. Therefore, parents should be very careful and treat their children with love but also with respectful fear, so they don't stumble, Heaven forbid.

A young child who speaks improperly to their parents should be scolded and guided in the right path, as the wisest of all men said (Proverbs 22:6): "Train a child according to his way; even when he grows old, he will not depart from it." (B 532)

Every person should be careful not to quarrel with others, for besides the many prohibitions involved, there is also concern that they will dishonor your parents, making you responsible for their disgrace. (Charedim. 174)

Domestic Peace

If, Heaven forbid, some conflict arises between parents, children generally should not intervene in favor of the father or mother, so as not to stumble, Heaven forbid, in disrespecting the other parent. The right thing is to refer the parents to a wise and knowledgeable counselor in this field, who will advise the parents how to improve their actions, compromise with each other, and bring everything to peace.

Asking Forgiveness

A child who has behaved improperly toward their father or mother must ask for forgiveness, appease them, speak to their hearts, apologize for their mistake, and be very careful in the future not to stumble, Heaven forbid.

Every person is obligated to ask forgiveness from their father and mother on the eve of Yom Kippur for all sins committed against them during the year. One who does not do so disrespects the honor of their father and mother and is called a sinner, for no one can say: I am pure from sin and free from this transgression. Nevertheless, if a child lacks understanding or was unable to ask forgiveness, the parents should explicitly say: "We hereby forgive our son/daughter for all that they have sinned against us, and may they not be punished because of us, Heaven forbid." (H"E 151) See Rashi (Kiddushin 31b) - fortunate is one who has not wronged them, for it is impossible to fulfill their honor as needed, and one is punished for it. May Hashem save us.