How Should a Child Behave Towards Parents Who Do Not Observe Torah and Mitzvot?

The Torah requires us to honor and revere our parents even if they do not keep mitzvot. Furthermore, the laws of kibbud va’eim apply to children of all ages, not just minors.

One may not contradict a parent, speak disrespectfully, or cause a parent avoidable distress. Especially in today’s generation, when such behavior has been all but forgotten in society, this conduct brings about kiddush Hashem: when parents see that their religious children honor them, they may feel drawn toward Torah, for “her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace.”

When Distance May Be Required

At the same time, the children of non-observant parents have a duty to protect their own children. They should not allow them to visit their grandparents too frequently, or without their presence. There is a concern that the grandchildren may pick up unsuitable habits, be influenced by inappropriate friends, or be exposed to things they should not see or hear. Visits should therefore be accompanied and supervised.

When the relationship is warm and friendly, the outcome can be positive for everyone. Unfortunately, there are cases where non-religious parents are hostile toward their children’s Torah observance and even mock them and scorn the concept of mitzvah observance. Then, the only thing to do is keep one’s distance and pray to Hashem that He soften the parents’ hearts. However, one must continue to treat them respectfully during phone calls and so forth, and of course, give them any assistance they require in their daily lives. It is always wise to consult with one’s rabbi in such situations.

Hosting Non-Religious Parents

Hosting one’s non-observant parents in one’s home is usually simpler than visiting them in their home, but there are still important points to be aware of.

According to halachah, if someone who publicly desecrates Shabbat touches wine (even just the bottle, if the seal was broken), one may no longer drink it. This applies regardless of the reason for the Shabbat desecration — even if the person is simply ignorant of halachah.

Therefore, if one hosts non-religious parents in one’s home and the father wants to make Kiddush on Shabbat, the son should gently explain the situation.

A better solution, however, is to use mevushal wine (wine that has been cooked or pasteurized), as such wine is not rendered forbidden by contact with a Shabbat violator.

Another potential issue is recital of brachot. Anyone who hosts a person who would not usually make a brachah before eating or drinking is required to prompt them to do so. This should be done with sensitivity, and by explaining the importance of thanking Hashem for all that He gives us.

If the parent still refuses to recite the brachah, one may continue to serve them. Another option is for the child to recite the brachah over the same food or drink and ask the parent to listen with the intention of fulfilling their obligation that way.

Parents Who Are Heretics

If a parent denies the existence of Hashem, the resurrection of the dead, or the coming of Mashiach; or converts to another religion God forbid, his or her children are no longer obligated to honor them at all — not in life and not in death.

Children may still not curse or insult such a parent, but the mitzvah of honoring them does not apply.

Parents Who Are Non-Jews

A convert has no halachic family relationship with his non-Jewish parents. Nonetheless, he may not curse or insult them, lest people say: “When he was a non-Jew he respected his parents, but since he converted, he despises them.” Out of derech eretz and gratitude, the child must behave with basic respect.

That said, a convert should not visit his non-Jewish parents frequently, and especially not with his own children. Only on rare occasions should he visit, so as not to appear ungrateful to them.

If his parents are ill, he may pray for their healing. After their passing, he may recite Kaddish for them.

In Conclusion

The mitzvah of honoring parents applies even when parents are not Torah-observant. Yet halachah places boundaries: respect must not lead to spiritual harm or undermine faith. The goal is to show kindness and dignity while safeguarding one’s own commitment and that of one’s children. With wisdom and sensitivity, one can honor parents in a way that also honors Hashem.