Honoring Parents: Is There an Obligation to Live Near Parents?

"The hearts of fathers to their children"

A son who has been blessed by Hashem to leave behind worldly vanities and reach the path of truth - the path of Torah and mitzvot, while his parents have not yet merited this, should not leave his parents' home, Heaven forbid. On the contrary, when they see the respect their son shows them, and his gentle and proper speech with them, their hearts will draw closer to fearing and loving Hashem. However, he must be careful regarding the kashrut of food and utensils, and similar matters, and it is good to consult with a wise person who will instruct him how to conduct himself in these matters.

Those Hashem Exempted from Honor

A son whose parents have not yet merited to observe mitzvot, and who are hostile toward him and cause him distress due to their hatred of religion, they are considered among the heretics and non-believers whom Hashem has exempted from honor, and there is no obligation to honor them. It is better for him to go live elsewhere, so they will not interfere with his progress in serving Hashem. It is advisable to consult with a wise person beforehand, because sometimes parents become hostile because the son does not know how to behave wisely and angers them with his actions. On the other hand, the son should act with wisdom and understanding, and receive guidance from a wise person on how to behave. (H"E 122)

According to Each Person's Will

A son who has married and wishes to live in another city certainly has the right to live wherever he wishes, and has no obligation to live specifically near his parents. However, if his parents object to him living in another city, each case must be judged individually as follows. It is appropriate to consult with a wise Torah authority, and everything will come to peace in its place.

Different Situations

There are certain situations in which a son may move to another city against his parents' wishes, though even in these cases, it is proper to appease his parents and speak to their hearts so they understand and agree with him.

1. If the son does not have enough money for housing where his parents live.

2. If he cannot find a place to study Torah as he wishes where his parents live.

3. If he cannot find a good educational institution for his sons and daughters where he can educate them with genuine fear of Heaven.

4. If the son benefits the public with Torah lessons and similar activities in another city.

5. If his parents live in a place where women do not dress modestly, and this causes him or his children difficulty in maintaining their fear of Heaven.

6. If a doctor has recommended that the son live in a place with different air quality.

7. If he cannot find work where his parents live.

8. If his parents are difficult and cause him excessive distress, and he fears he will fail in honoring them.

9. If his parents have lost their mental faculties. He should appoint someone to care for them properly, but it is forbidden to leave them without care. (414)

10. If he cannot find a wife to marry except in another city.

11. If there is concern about disrupting peace in his home with his wife.

12. If the parents forgive him for moving away.

For any other need that the son sees to change his place of residence, it is proper to ask a wise Torah authority who will instruct him how to behave. (403)

Those Who Honor Me, I Will Honor

Elderly parents who need their son to serve them frequently - certainly the son should not move to another city at this time. On the contrary, he should try to live somewhat close to them, so that he will be available to serve and honor them always. However, if the son must move away, and it is permitted according to Jewish law, he should appoint someone else to properly care for them, and it is forbidden to leave them without proper care. (Maharil, Yafeh LaLev, Aruch HaShulchan, Ish Matzliach. 403, 404, 407, 414)

Keeping in Touch

A son who lives far from his parents should maintain telephone contact with them so they are at ease and know of his welfare. He should know that each time he calls them, he fulfills a positive commandment from the Torah of honoring father and mother, and should not be lazy about this. (407, 413)

Go in Peace

A son traveling abroad for some time should, before his departure, go to his parents and bid them farewell, kiss their hands, and ask for their blessing. (Kaf HaChaim Palagi. 413)

Shehecheyanu Blessing

A person who has not seen his father, mother, teacher, brother, sister, or friend for thirty days, and feels very happy to see them, should recite the "Shehecheyanu" blessing with God's name. The Gaon of Munkatch did this when he saw the holy grandfather, the Gaon Rabbi Shlomo Eliezer Alfandari of blessed memory, and was very happy to see him, and blessed "Shehecheyanu" over him. Similarly, about forty years ago, our teacher and rabbi, the Gaon Rabbi Ben Zion Abba Shaul of blessed memory, upon seeing the Chief Rabbi of Panama, Rabbi Zion Levy of blessed memory, during his visit to the Porat Yosef Yeshiva, was very happy to see him and blessed "Shehecheyanu" over him. (Berachot 58b, Tosafot, Rambam, Rosh, Tur and Shulchan Aruch, Birkei Yosef, Erech HaShulchan, Birkat Yosef Yedid and more. 428)

One who regularly speaks with his parents by telephone, and thirty days have passed without seeing them, should carefully examine whether he is very happy to see them - if so, he should recite the blessing. If not, he should not recite it. (428)