Can Honoring Parents Conflict with Honoring God?

The Torah commands us to honor our parents, but also makes clear that this mitzvah does not override Hashem’s commandments. But what if a parent asks their child for something that goes against halachah? How should the child respond?

What If a Parent Tells a Child to Break Shabbat?

The Torah states: “Every person shall revere his mother and his father, and keep My Sabbaths; I am Hashem your God” (Vayikra 19:3). The Talmudic Sages explain from this that if a parent commands a child to violate the Torah — for example, to desecrate Shabbat — the child may not obey.

The reason for this is that both parent and child are equally obligated to obey Hashem. The verse concludes: “I am Hashem your God” — meaning that the child as well as his father and mother must all follow the Torah’s laws.

The same applies if a parent tells a child to transgress a Rabbinic prohibition: The child may not comply.

What If a Parent Tells a Child to Break Off Contact with Someone?

Unfortunately, many people hold grudges and allow themselves to wallow in resentment at people they feel have wronged them. There are parents who are not content with that, and try to drag their own children into the dispute, forbidding them to have anything to do with a certain person or people. What should a child do in such a case?

The Torah values peace — shalom — extremely highly. For this reason, children are not obligated to join their parents in a dispute with anyone, even if their parents demand it. In fact, they may not do so, and should do their best to restore peaceful relations with that person, which is a great mitzvah.

If making peace with that person causes the parent to become angry, the child should still try to make peace but keep the fact concealed from his parents.

What If Parents Ask a Child to Leave Eretz Yisrael?

Living in Eretz Yisrael is a great mitzvah. Therefore, if someone lives in the Land of Israel and his parents abroad ask him to move to live closer to them, he is not permitted not obey.

Similarly, if a child lives outside the Land of Israel and wants to move to Eretz Yisrael but his parents object, he may still go. The mitzvah of dwelling in Eretz Yisrael outweighs their request.

That said, if the parents are elderly and cannot be cared for properly by  others, the child should consult a rabbi for guidance.

What If a Parent Asks a Child for Something Harmful?

The laws of the Torah are given to us in order to “live by them and not die by them” as the Sages write. Therefore:

Cigarettes: If a parent asks his child to buy him cigarettes, the child should find some way to avoid fulfilling the request. Many Torah authorities forbid smoking due to its associated health risks.

Certainly if a doctor has told the parent that for him or her, smoking is especially harmful, the child may not purchase cigarettes for them.

Forbidden publications: If a parent asks his child to bring him a newspaper or other material filled with forbidden content (such as heresy or indecent images), the child may not buy or bring it. Instead, he should gently explain that the Torah forbids it.

So, how do we balance kibbud av va’eim with Hashem’s commandments?

The guiding principle is: honor for parents never overrides obedience to Hashem. When parents’ wishes conflict with halachah, the child must follow the Torah — but always with respect, patience, and gentle words.