Practical Halacha: Is There an Obligation to Honor Parents in Matters of Sin?

You Are All Obligated to Honor Me

The Torah states (Leviticus 19:3): "Each person shall fear his mother and his father, and you shall observe My Shabbats, I am Hashem your God." From this, our Sages learned (Yevamot 5b): If a father commands his son to violate the words of the Torah, such as to desecrate Shabbat, the son should not say, "I will listen to my father in order to fulfill the commandment of honoring one's father." Rather, he should listen to Hashem who forbade desecrating Shabbat, since both the son and his father are obligated to listen to Hashem's voice and not to desecrate Shabbat. This is why the verse concludes: "I am Hashem your God" - all of you are obligated to honor Me; you, your father, and your mother are all obligated to listen to My voice.

Even if a father commands his son to violate a rabbinical prohibition, it is forbidden for him to listen to his father. (Section 240, Paragraph 15)

If a father commands his son to give up a stringency he observes, if the son sees that the father's intention is to belittle the commandments, he should not listen to him. However, if the father's intention is not to belittle them, and he gives a good reason for his words, such as needing his son to attend to him or similar reasons, the son should listen to him. (B 116. Honoring Parents 171, 177)

Bringing Peace Between People

If a father commands his son not to speak with a certain person, but the son wants to reconcile with that person and make peace with him, or if a father commands his son not to forgive a certain person, but the son wants to reconcile and forgive him, the son should not be concerned with his father's command. On the contrary, he should make peace and reconcile with his friend, the sooner the better. Nevertheless, he should try not to flaunt his actions too much, so as not to anger his father. (This is the ruling of Maran in Shulchan Aruch, Section 240, Paragraph 16)

The proper approach is that before the son reconciles with his friend, he should speak to his father's heart and explain the virtue of peace, how greatly our Sages emphasized it, and conversely explain how our Sages distanced themselves from and condemned dispute, as Maimonides writes in his testament to his son Rabbi Abraham, saying: "Do not defile your souls with dispute, which consumes the body, soul, and wealth – what else remains? I have seen great stones that have blackened, dignitaries who were diminished, families that perished, ministers who were removed from their positions, great cities that were undermined, groups that were separated, individuals who were corrupted, and faithful people who were lost, honorable people who were degraded and disgraced – all because of dispute." Maimonides continues: "Prophets prophesied, sages became wise, and philosophers sought and added to describe the evils of dispute, yet they did not reach its full extent. Therefore, hate it and flee from it, distance yourselves from all who love it, redeem it, and befriend it. Even if all your relatives love strife, disown them and distance yourselves from their company, lest you be swept away by all their sins." It is well known that in his time, opponents rose against Maimonides and his works, and they burned his books. Nevertheless, Maimonides warned his son not to get involved in the dispute at all, even though there is no doubt that the truth was with Maimonides. All the more so in disputes and arguments that a person has with his friend, where many times the truth is not on his side, and even if it is, he should learn from what our Sages taught us about how to behave in such cases.

Ramban has already written on the verses (Leviticus 19:17-18): "You shall not hate your brother in your heart; you shall surely rebuke your fellow, and you shall not bear sin because of him. You shall not take revenge or bear a grudge against the members of your people; you shall love your fellow as yourself, I am Hashem." The verse says, do not hate your brother in your heart when he does something against your will, but rebuke him, asking why he did this to you, and do not bear sin because of him – covering your hatred in your heart and not speaking to him, for when you rebuke him, he will explain himself to you, or he will return and confess his sin, and you will forgive him. Afterward, the verse warns not to take revenge or bear a grudge in your heart for what he did to you, for it is possible that you don't hate him but you remember the sin in your heart, and therefore it warns you to completely erase your brother's transgression and sin from your heart, and after that it commands you to love him as yourself.

This is what Elijah the Prophet, may he be remembered for good, says in Tana Devei Eliyahu (Rabba Chapter 26), "Thus said Hashem to Israel: My beloved children, have I withheld anything from you, and what do I ask of you? I only ask that you love one another and honor one another..." Hillel the Elder used to say (Avot Chapter 1, Mishnah 12): "Be of the disciples of Aaron, loving peace and pursuing peace." And Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi found it appropriate to conclude the six orders of the Mishnah with these words: Rabbi Shimon ben Chalafta said: The Holy One, blessed be He, found no vessel that holds blessing for Israel but peace, as it is said (Psalms 29), "Hashem will give strength to His people; Hashem will bless His people with peace."

The Shelah HaKadosh wrote: "Certainly, the worst among the Jewish people would endure all four death penalties of the court before worshipping idols, and our Sages said that dispute is more severe before Hashem than idolatry, so how can one not control oneself from stirring up dispute which is worse than idolatry. Therefore, not only should one not be distressed by something done to him, and because of this maintain a dispute, but on the contrary, one should rejoice and be glad in his trial to overcome his natural tendencies, and because of this all his transgressions will be forgiven."

Behold, the Priestly Blessing includes all blessings, but it concludes with the verse: and may He grant you "peace," for peace is the foundation of all blessings. If there is peace, there is everything. And if there is no peace, there is nothing. A person may have much silver and gold, sons and daughters, grandchildren and great-grandchildren, houses full of all good things, lawns, pools, jacuzzi, but without peace, love, and brotherhood, it is worth nothing, meaning he has nothing in hand. As Rashi says on the verse, "And I will give peace in the land," you might say we have received many good promises of food and drink, etc., but if there is no peace, there is nothing? The verse therefore states, "And I will give peace in the land," from here we learn that peace is equal to everything else. And so said the prophet Isaiah, 'He who makes peace and creates everything.' For when there is peace, there is a vessel to receive all spiritual and material goodness and abundance. King Solomon already said in his wisdom (Proverbs 17:1): "Better is a dry crust with tranquility than a house full of feasting with strife." And it says (Proverbs 15:17) "Better is a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened ox with hatred."

Our Sages (Chullin 5b) interpreted the verse (Psalms 36:7): "Man and beast You save, O Hashem," Rav Yehuda said in the name of Rav: These are people who are shrewd in knowledge, but make themselves like animals. Rashi explained that they are wise in knowledge like Adam, the first man, but nevertheless make themselves like animals, of humble spirit. These merit that "O Hashem, You will save them." That is, by virtue of them humbling themselves, even though they know with certainty that their claim and behavior are just, since they have great wisdom like the first man, nevertheless they nullify their opinion for the sake of increasing peace and preventing dispute among Israel. Through this, they merit that Hashem saves them in all their matters. And who doesn't need salvation...

Settling in the Land of Israel

A son living in the Land of Israel, whose parents live abroad and ask him to come live with them, is forbidden to listen to his parents and go down to live outside of Israel, even if his entire intention is to fulfill the commandment of honoring father and mother.

A son living outside of Israel who wants to move to live in the Land of Israel, and his parents object to his immigration, the son should not listen to his parents, since it is a commandment to go live in the Land of Israel, and it is forbidden to listen to parents when they command one to violate the words of the Torah. The son does not incur punishment, God forbid, for not obeying his parents, since his parents can also immigrate with him, and he can honor them in the Land of Israel. Nevertheless, if the parents are very elderly, and there is no possibility for others to serve them as they desire, he should ask a halachic authority how to act. This was ruled by Maharam of Rothenburg, the Gaon Mabit, Responsa Me'il Tzedakah, Simchat Yehuda Nagar, and others. (Yechaveh Da'at Part 3, Section 69)

The Severity and Importance of the Commandment

This is the content of the Gaon Mabit's response: The son is obligated to go up to the Land of Israel, and he does not need to be concerned about the commandment of honoring his father and mother. As they said in Yevamot (6a): If his father told him not to return a lost item, could he listen to him? The verse teaches, "Each person shall fear his mother and his father, and you shall observe My Shabbats, I am Hashem" - all of you are obligated to honor Me. Similarly here, he and his father are obligated to go up and live in the Land of Israel, as we learned in Tractate Ketubot (110b), everyone goes up to the Land of Israel. The son does not incur punishment for not fulfilling the commandment of honoring father and mother, since they too can go up with him. From the above Gemara in Yevamot, it is proven that even for the positive commandment of returning a lost item, which is a monetary commandment that is less severe and can be waived, and the Torah even exempted a scholar from returning a lost item if it is beneath his dignity, nevertheless returning a lost item overrides the commandment of honoring father and mother. How much more so the commandment of settling in the Land of Israel, which is very severe and equal to all the commandments in the Torah, that certainly one should not listen to his father and mother who prevent him from fulfilling the commandment.

A son living in the Land of Israel is permitted to go abroad for any period of time to visit his parents, and afterward return to his home in the Land of Israel.

If the parents want to immigrate to the Land of Israel, it is permissible for their son to go down to meet them abroad, in order to welcome them and bring them to the Land of Israel. As explained in the book "Mitzvot Ha'aretz B'Halacha U'Va'agada." (Yechaveh Da'at Part 3, Section 69)

Cigarettes

If a son whose father is accustomed to smoking is asked by his father to buy him cigarettes, it is proper for the son to avoid it with various excuses and not buy them, since some authorities say that it is forbidden by law to smoke [So ruled: Chafetz Chaim in his book Likutei Amarim, Amudei Or, Responsa HaShavit, Be'er Moshe, Teshuvot V'Hanhagot, Tzitz Eliezer Part 15 Section 39, and others]. However, if he cannot avoid it in any way, he is permitted to buy them for his father.

It is best for every person to completely refrain from smoking cigarettes, since smoking is very dangerous to health, may Hashem save us. One who guards his soul will distance himself from this, and fulfill for himself: "You shall be very careful for your souls." In any case, a person who does not smoke is forbidden by law to start smoking. (H"E 1 265. So ruled Maran the Rishon LeZion shlita)

If a doctor has specifically determined that smoking is dangerous for the father, it is obvious that it is forbidden for the son to bring cigarettes to his father. (B 54)

Harmful Food

If a father asked his son to give him some food that is harmful to him, he should not give it to him, because even though the father has momentary pleasure in eating it, the pleasure is not worth the harm to the body. And if he gives it to his father, he is causing him more loss than the benefit he thinks he is providing by fulfilling his wish. (B 52)

Newspaper

A son who was asked by his father to buy him a newspaper that is forbidden to read, such as one that contains gossip and slander, or heretical and skeptical matters, or forbidden images, it is completely forbidden for the son to buy it for his father. He should tell his father gently that he cannot fulfill his command, since the Torah has forbidden it to him. (So ruled Maran the Rishon LeZion Rabbi Ovadia Yosef shlita)

Guarding the Eyes

A son who does not want to walk in the street wearing glasses, because he is concerned that he might see forbidden sights, and his behavior does not find favor in his parents' eyes, should explain to his parents clearly the severity of the sin of seeing forbidden sights, and how many stumbling blocks and decline in fear of Heaven can be caused by a lack of guarding the eyes, and he should not compromise on his behavior at all. Especially in this generation, where in our many sins there are women who still do not know the severity of the prohibition, and cause many to stumble in the Torah prohibition of "Do not follow after your hearts and after your eyes," and they wear tight-fitting clothes, which they certainly admit themselves are not "modest attire," for how can it be "modest" when the entire purpose of clothing is to conceal the body, and they do the opposite, may the Merciful One save us.