Honoring Parents: Respecting Father and Mother in Matters of Marriage

Parental Objection

If a son wishes to marry a specific young woman who has good character and fear of Heaven, but his parents object because they don't like her or she comes from a community the parents disapprove of, while the son believes she is suitable and desires her, the son does not need to obey his parents. However, it's good to be patient and consult with a wise person. (H"E 133)

If parents object to a match claiming the young woman is not God-fearing, such as not dressing with the modesty appropriate for a proper Jewish daughter, it is obvious that the son should listen to his parents, since even without their instruction, it would be forbidden for him to marry her. (B 135)

If parents object to a match claiming the young woman comes from a family that is too lowly, causing them distress and humiliation from such a marriage, the son must obey them. Even if they were to forgive their humiliation, their humiliation is not forgiven, and certainly a son should not do things that cause them humiliation. (H"E 134, 142. Teshuvot V'Hanhagot Vol. 2 Section 445)

The same applies to all the above for a young woman who wants to marry a specific young man, but her parents object for the reasons mentioned above. (H"E 133)

Identical Names

Some are careful not to marry a woman whose name is the same as the groom's mother, while others don't care about this at all. Nevertheless, even those who are careful should not cancel the match because of this, but rather add a name to the bride thirty days before the wedding, and call her by both names. Similarly, if the groom's name is the same as the bride's father, they should add a name to the groom and call him by both names. (B 141)

Age of Marriage

If a son wants to get married, but his father doesn't agree, claiming that his son hasn't studied enough Torah, the son should not listen to his father, but rather hurry and take a wife. Especially since, due to our many sins, there is much immodesty in public, and it is not at all easy to guard one's thoughts and eyes. (B 151)

Help in Old Age

A widowed father who commands his daughter not to marry anyone so that she will remain in his home and serve him - the daughter is forbidden to listen to her father at all. The father's sin is unbearable for causing his daughter distress. On the contrary, she should go and marry whoever she wishes, and bring children into the world who will merit her in this world and the next, and she should not be concerned about the commandment to honor her father in this matter at all. (H"E 133)

Peace is Paramount

A son should strive to increase and add love and brotherhood between his parents and his wife. Even if his wife did something improper, he should not gossip and tell his parents, because besides transgressing the very serious prohibitions of evil speech and gossip, he destroys peace and ruins his home. On the contrary, he should try only to speak well of his wife, and through this, love and brotherhood will increase between them, and he will build a faithful and proper home.

If, nevertheless, some issue arises between his parents and his wife, he should make every effort to restore peace, as Hillel the Elder said (Avot Chapter 1, Mishnah 12): "Be of the disciples of Aaron, loving peace and pursuing peace," meaning that even if peace has fled, one needs to pursue it and bring it back.

A good piece of advice is for a person to set a daily study session with his wife for about 10 minutes, where they learn a little about laws and ethics, and there is no doubt that this will strengthen them, and they will merit peace, tranquility, and joy.