Honoring Parents: In Which Cases Is a Child Not Obligated to Obey Their Parents?

Commands Without Benefit

A child who is asked by parents to do something that doesn't directly benefit them is not obligated by law to obey. Nevertheless, it's good to try to fulfill their wishes even in these matters. Certainly, it's appropriate to be stringent in these matters, as the Jerusalem Talmud (Tractate Pe'ah, Chapter 1, Law 1) states that honoring parents is "among the most serious of commandments." (B 105)

For example: If parents tell their child not to purchase a particular house or field, and the child wants to buy that house or field, since the parents derive no benefit from this, the child is not legally obligated to listen to them.

Similarly, if parents tell their child, "We want you to open an account at a certain bank," and the child wants to open an account at a different bank, since there's no benefit to the parents, the child is not legally obligated to obey them. However, it's advisable to appease them to gain their agreement.

In the above cases, if the child doesn't want to obey the parents, they shouldn't explicitly say, "I don't agree," but rather remain silent or say, "I'll think about it," or something similar. (B 128)

Commands from Father and Mother

If a child is commanded by their father to do something that doesn't benefit the father, and is also commanded by their mother to do something that does benefit her, even though it was explained above that one should fulfill the father's command before the mother's, nevertheless, since there is no obligation to fulfill the father's command, but there is an obligation to fulfill the mother's command, one should prioritize the mother's command, and afterward fulfill the father's command. (Torah Lishmah. B 127)

Avoiding Disgrace

If a child is commanded by their parents to do something that doesn't benefit them, but if the child doesn't obey, it would cause disgrace to the parents, the child is obligated to obey them. For the Torah states: "Cursed be he who dishonors his father and mother," and even if they were to forgive their disgrace, their disgrace is not forgiven. Certainly, one should not do things that would cause them disgrace. (H"E 134, 142)

Avoiding Distress

If a child is commanded by their parents to do something that doesn't benefit them, but if the child doesn't obey, it would cause distress to the parents, the child should obey them. (B 112)

If the child wants to dress differently from the custom in their father's home, or wants to grow long sidelocks when that wasn't the custom in their father's home, if this causes distress or disgrace to the father or mother, the child should obey their wishes. (Mevakshei Torah 220, Teshuvot V'hanhagot and others. B 123, 173. See also Tuvcha Yabi'u Vol. 2, 303)

Certainly in all such matters, the child should consider very carefully, as King Solomon wisely said (Proverbs 4:26): "Consider the path of your feet, and all your ways will be established." This means that by weighing one's ways and actions, and knowing when to act one way and when to act another, all one's ways and actions will be proper, and one will find favor and good understanding in the eyes of Hashem and man. One will merit being pleasant to Heaven and pleasant to people, loved above and cherished below, Israel in whom I take pride. (Mevakshei Torah 220)

Elijah the Prophet, may he be remembered for good, already said (Tanna d'Bei Eliyahu Zuta, chapter 15): "A person should always be humble in Torah and good deeds, with their father and mother, with their teacher, with their spouse, with their children and household members, with their neighbors, with relatives and strangers, and even with a gentile in the marketplace, so that they will be loved from above and cherished from below."

Stringencies and Practices

If a child follows certain stringencies that aren't required by law, such as immersing daily [in cold water], or regularly fasting on non-obligatory fast days, like on the eves of new months, or Mondays and Thursdays during the Shovavim period and the like, and their parents are distressed by this, fearing that these practices might harm their health, the child should obey the parents and refrain from these stringencies.

This is what the Arizal did when he was ill and his mother, Rebbetzin Sarah, decreed that he should not immerse in the mikveh during winter, and he did not immerse, even though it was very difficult for him to give up immersion. As his student Rabbi Yonatan Sagis testified: "I saw my teacher the Arizal, who for most of the six winter months did not immerse because he was sickly and had a hernia, and his mother wouldn't allow him to immerse, and this is clear to me." (Sha'ar Ruach HaKodesh, Drush 3, page 9c)

However, one who stops a good practice should make an annulment of their custom and regret not having initially stated they were doing it without a vow, for had they known their parents would tell them not to immerse, they would have explicitly said "without a vow." Nevertheless, if they made an annulment of vows, as is customary before Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, since they declare that any good custom they practice should be without a vow, they don't need to make another annulment. (Maran in Responsa Avkat Rochel, Mahariv"l, HaMabit, Maharam Galanti, Mahar"a Sasson, Maharim"t, Maharam Alsheich, Maharit"z, Salmat Chaim Sonnenfeld and others. Yabia Omer Vol. 9, Siman 95, letter 16. H"E 152 and more)

Don't Disregard Feelings

Even when a child is permitted to follow stringencies and pious practices, they should be careful to do so humbly and discreetly, not appearing to be arrogant or prideful toward their father, God forbid. And whenever the father might be offended by his child's practices, the child should not perform them in front of the father at all.

If the father asks his son to refrain from his special practices because he feels his son is being condescending toward him [even if that isn't the son's intention, God forbid], the son should not disregard his father's feelings, and should therefore practice his stringencies privately in a way that won't be revealed to his father. The son should be very careful not to speak disrespectfully to his father, for because of stringencies and pious practices, he might transgress, God forbid, the Torah's curse: "Cursed be the one who dishonors his father and mother," and his loss would outweigh his gain. (B 115)

The Chida already wrote: "Although a person may be stringent for himself in his laws as his soul desires, the wise are modest in his house and within his walls. And as much as possible, he should avoid revealing his secrets to people." (Chazon Ovadia Pesach 110) It is related about the great Gaon, the Chacham Tzvi, that he adopted a personal practice not to eat hot food on Shabbat morning, concerned that the food might not have been properly insulated, and the like. Once, when he was a guest somewhere and they served everyone hot food, but served the Chacham Tzvi cold food, when he asked why, they said, "We heard that our master doesn't eat hot food." He told them, "Leave those stringencies for me to practice in my own home, but here - I am the same as everyone else." Let the wise hear and increase in wisdom.

If the son sees that his father is uncomfortable with his stringencies, and it's impossible for the son to practice them privately, good advice is for the son to explain the reasons for his stringencies from halachic sources, making it easier for his father to accept. Similarly, he could speak with someone who has influence over his father, like his father's teacher, to convince him about this, and everything will be resolved peacefully.

In a case where the son is uncertain whether the father is offended by his practices, he should consult a sage who knows both the father and son, who will instruct him how to act so as not to cause his father distress, God forbid. (Teshuvot V'hanhagot. B 173)

If the father's only purpose in preventing his son from his practices is to restrict his son because he doesn't want him to strengthen and elevate himself in fear of Heaven, certainly the son need not obey his father. (B 116)

Painting the House

If a son is asked by his father to do some work for him, such as painting his apartment or similar tasks, he should make an effort to obey his father, even if the work is difficult for him. However, it's obvious that all expenses involved in the work should be paid by the father, as explained above that honoring parents comes at the parent's expense.

If the father pays his son for the actual work and effort in painting the apartment, and at that price the father could find someone else to paint his apartment, then there's no benefit to the father in this command, since it doesn't matter to him who paints his apartment, his son or someone else. In this case, the son is not obligated by law to paint for his father. However, if the son is a professional painter, and the father only trusts his son to paint the apartment according to his wishes, the son should obey his father.

If the father doesn't pay his son for the actual work and effort in painting the apartment, then there's a benefit to the father in his son's work, as he saves the payment for labor he would have had to make to another painter. In this case, the son should paint, even if there's another painter who is more skilled at the job. [And if for this the son needs to take time away from his own work, see above in the laws of "Honoring Parents with Money," as sometimes he is obligated to obey his father even in this case.] (See Mevakshei Torah 264, 265, 320)

Nevertheless, we have already explained above that parents should treat their children pleasantly and not burden them with unusual requests and demands, as this could cause the children to fail and not obey their parents at all, God forbid. (Siman 240, Section 19)

Without Embarrassment

If a father commands his son in front of people to do something that isn't befitting the son's dignity, and the son is embarrassed to do so, the son doesn't need to obey his father. (B 163)