Honoring Parents: Is It Permitted to Disagree with Your Parents?

Prohibition Against Contradicting Their Words

It is forbidden for a child to contradict the words of their father or mother, such as saying to one's father: 'I don't agree with what you're saying,' and similar expressions. Even when not in the presence of one's father, one should be careful not to contradict his words by saying: 'I don't agree with what my father said.' (Section 240, Paragraph 2. 364)

If a father relates a story about something that happened, and the son sees that his father is not being precise in the telling, it is forbidden for him to contradict his father's words and say 'that's not how it happened.' Similarly, if someone asks the father how much a certain item cost, and the father gives a certain amount, while the son knows that it didn't cost that much, he should not contradict his father's words. (367) [However, if the person asking is interested in buying such an item and there is concern they might lose money, the son is permitted to tell the inquirer, not in the father's presence, that he knows the item can be obtained elsewhere at a lower price.]

If a father rebukes his son about a certain action, and the son wants to clarify his behavior, he should not speak to his father in contradicting language such as: "That's not true" or "That's incorrect," but rather speak calmly and humbly, saying, "I have something to say that might justify my actions," and establish the truth properly. (Mevakshei Torah 278)

If a father asks his son to check a certain calculation, and the son finds an error, he should not say to his father 'you made a mistake,' but should use other expressions, such as: 'I got a different result.'

Father's Desire - If a father asks his son to express his opinion on a certain matter, the son may express his opinion to his father, even if it is contrary to his father's opinion, because since his father asked him and wants to hear his opinion, there is no disrespect, Heaven forbid. (379)

Deciding Between Their Words

It is forbidden for a son to arbitrate his father's or mother's words. For example: if the father is arguing with a friend on a certain matter, it is forbidden for the son to decide between them even in favor of the father, saying: 'I think my father is right,' because this still shows that his opinion is more important and decisive than his father's. However, when not in the father's presence, it is permissible to rule in favor of the father, as this honors him. (Section 240, Paragraph 2. 364)

You Shall Surely Return - If the father is arguing with his friends on a certain matter, and his son can respond to their claims, he should answer them even in the presence of the father, as this honors the father. (364)

Contradiction and Arbitration in Matters of Torah

What we said about not contradicting or arbitrating the words of one's father or mother applies only to mundane matters, but in matters of Torah, the son is permitted to disagree with his father, or to arbitrate between him and someone who disagrees with him, as long as he has clear evidence contrary to his father's position. However, he should express his opinion in soft, pleasant, and gentle language, calmly and with proper respect, not in a manner of boldness and victory-seeking, Heaven forbid.

The reason for this is that regarding the Torah it is said: "The Torah of truth was in his mouth," and one should not flatter anyone in matters of Torah. Therefore, if the son believes he can prove his opinion contrary to his father's, he is permitted to do so. Our Sages have already said (Kiddushin 30b): Rabbi Chiya bar Abba said that even a father and son, or a teacher and student, who study Torah together become like enemies to each other [because they challenge each other, and one does not accept the other's words], but they do not leave until they become lovers of each other. (Moshav Zekenim from the Tosafists, the Rosh, Terumat HaDeshen, the Netziv, and this is also the opinion of the She'iltot, Pachad Yitzchak, HaMussar, Be'er Sheva, Beit Lechem Yehuda, Maharam Brisk, Maharshas"g and others. 368. H"A 90)

Consider Carefully - If a son has a strong question on his father's words, and the son estimates that his father will not be able to answer it, if there is concern that the father might be embarrassed, the son should be careful not to ask his father. King Solomon already said (Proverbs 23:2): "And put a knife to your throat, if you are a person of soul." He should save his words to say to his father at another opportunity, in a way that won't cause embarrassment. (Chullin 6a)

You Shall Be Holy

If a father, due to his piety, observes certain stringencies that are not required by basic law, his son is not obligated to adopt these stringencies for himself, though it is good if he does so. Nevertheless, when with his father, he should try to follow his father's practices to honor and please him.

For example: If a father has the custom to pray on Shabbat at sunrise [as is practiced, thank Hashem, in many places, and after prayer they make Kiddush and hold a class on law and homiletics for two or three hours], and the son is visiting his father on Shabbat, the son is not obligated to wake up with him. But if he knows his father would be happy about it, it is good for him to wake up with his father to pray at sunrise. However, this applies only when the son knows that after prayer he will conduct himself properly and sit and study Torah or participate in the class with his father. But if after prayer he will sit and engage in idle talk, wasting his time in vanity and emptiness until the Shabbat meal, it is better for him to continue sleeping and not wake up at sunrise, because 'one who sits idle is like one who sleeps.' (See Shlomo Chaim Zonnenfeld. Magen Avraham Section 583, Subsection 6)

"And Do Not Forsake Your Mother's Teaching"

If a certain community whose rabbis established certain stringencies for them while they were in the diaspora, and the father continued these stringencies even after coming to the Land of Israel, as long as the son is in his father's house, he should follow his father's customs. However, after marriage, he is not obligated to continue his father's customs and is permitted to change and follow the basic law. For example: A father from Morocco or Tunisia or similar places, where many had the custom not to eat legumes on Passover, after the son's marriage, he is not obligated to continue this stringency and is permitted to eat legumes on Passover without concern, following the opinion of Maran the Shulchan Aruch whose rulings we have accepted, and as is the custom of other Sephardic Jews. (Zichron Yosef Steinhart, Maharam Shick and others. Chazon Ovadia Pesach 82)

Go to Joseph - If a Sephardic father follows a certain opinion in matters of law that is not in accordance with the rulings of Maran the Shulchan Aruch, our teacher Rabbi Yosef Karo, may his merit protect us, the son is permitted to differ from his father and follow the rulings of Maran the Shulchan Aruch. Even if his father commands him to continue his custom, he does not need to obey him, since Sephardic Jews have accepted upon themselves the rulings of Maran the Shulchan Aruch, both the lenient and the stringent.