Honoring Parents: Navigating Disagreements

When a Jew starts out on a path of Torah observance, the mitzvah of kibbud av va’eim — honoring one’s parents — can sometimes feel complicated. Parents may misunderstand or disagree with new practices, and conversations can become tense. But, as in any other area of life, halachah (Jewish law) sets clear boundaries: even when children (of any age) know their parents are mistaken, they must speak with care and respect.

Not Contradicting a Parent’s Words

It is forbidden to bluntly contradict a parent, such as by saying, “That’s not true” or “You’re wrong.”

Example: David’s mother insists she paid only fifty shekels for a dress, though David remembers it cost eighty. Even if he knows she’s mistaken, he may not say, “No, you’re wrong there.” Instead, he can either remain silent or say something indirect such as, “I thought it was around eighty; I could have remembered wrong,” letting the point pass without embarrassing her.

If someone might suffer a financial or other form of loss due to a parent’s mistake, their child may discreetly clarify, when out of the parent’s earshot.

Example: At a family gathering, David’s father mentions that he bought their oven for $600 and recommends that a cousin purchase the same model at the same store. David knows that another store sells the same oven for $530. He may quietly tell the cousin later, “I saw it at another store for less,” but not in front of his father.

Explaining Yourself Without Disrespect

If a parent mocks a child for mitzvah observance, the child may explain him or herself, taking care not to actually contradict the parent’s words, if possible.

Example: Sarah’s mother mocks her for refusing to eat non-kosher chicken at a family dinner: “You’re making everyone uncomfortable for no reason.” Sarah should not snap back, “That’s not true.” Instead, she could say gently, “I’d like to explain why this matters to me,” and then calmly share her perspective.

If a parent makes a factual mistake of some kind, the child should correct respectfully.

Example: A father asks his son to check a certain bill and the son notices an error. Instead of saying, “You made a mistake here,” he might say, “I got a different total when I added it up.”

When Parents Ask for Your Opinion

If a parent asks for a child’s opinion, the child may answer honestly, even if he knows that his position differs from that of his parent.

Example: Rachel’s father tells her, “I’m thinking of selling the house; it seems like the right thing to do at this point in time. What do you think?” Even if Rachel thinks that selling right now would be a bad idea, she may state her opinion respectfully, since he asked her to.

Taking Sides in Disputes

A child may not publicly announce, “My father is right,” as it looks as if the child is the arbiter of his parent’s words.

Example: At a family barbecue, Sarah’s father gets into a heated political arguments with a neighbor. Sarah may not step in and say, “I agree with Dad — he’s right,” as that would make it appear as if her agreement gives his words weight.

However, if someone challenges her father and she can defend him with a good point, coming to his aid is considered to be honoring him.

Example: If her father is struggling to explain his view and Sarah has a clear response, she may respectfully offer it, helping him save face.

In Matters of Torah

Ordinary conversation is one thing, but in Torah matters, the truth must be spoken. A child may respectfully share what the Torah says, even if it contradicts the parent’s opinion — but always gently and without arrogance.

Example: Jacob’s father insists, “There’s no problem with driving an electric car on Shabbat — there are no fires in the engine.” Jacob may not argue with his father personally, but he should respond: “The laws of Shabbat are complex and using electricity has been debated extensively by the rabbis. The consensus is that EVs may not be driven.” He must state the truth softly, making it clear that his intention is not to win the argument but rather, to defend the Torah.

Conclusion

For Jews returning to Torah, honoring parents can be one of the hardest tests. Parents may disagree with newly-adopted practices, or even mock them. The Torah’s guidance is clear: never contradict or dismiss a parent harshly, always speak gently, and show respect even when disagreeing. By walking this fine line — honoring parents while honoring Torah — one not only observes the mitzvah of kibbud av va’eim but also sanctifies Hashem’s name within the family.