Honoring Parents: The Commandment of Revering Father and Mother

It is a positive commandment from the Torah to revere one's father and mother, as it is stated (Leviticus 19:3): "Each of you shall revere his mother and his father."

Reverent Fear

Regarding the commandment of 'reverence,' Maimonides wrote: "One should behave with them as one behaves with someone whom he fears might punish him, like a king. And one should conduct himself with them in the manner that one conducts himself with someone he fears, and is afraid of receiving something unpleasant from him. This is what the Almighty meant by saying: 'Each of you shall revere his mother and his father.'" (Sefer HaMitzvot 211)

The Torah's intention in the commandment of 'reverence' is not that we should be frightened and tremble before our parents, God forbid. Rather, the concept is like this: Just as a minister who is very close to the king, although he has fear and reverence for the king, nonetheless does not tremble when speaking with the king. On the contrary, he speaks with him with love and friendship, and feels privileged and honored to speak with him. Many times the minister even allows himself to laugh with the king, but is very careful about the king's honor—in the way he sits before the king, never mentioning the king's name without a title, not raising his voice when speaking with him, and being careful not to cause the king anything he does not desire. Similarly with other such matters, his conduct and caution with these things is not merely from fear that the king might punish him, but primarily from his great respect for the king. Because of this, he fears him with "reverent fear." Certainly his extra caution stems from knowing that if he behaves inappropriately, the king will punish him, but this doesn't affect him to the point of trembling with fear, like a thief who fears the king's punishment. Similarly, a child is commanded to be careful in these matters toward their parents and to fear them with "reverent fear," from their great respect for them, considering and valuing them as 'royalty.' See below regarding 'Parents' Conduct with Their Children' about the severity of imposing excessive fear within one's household, may Hashem save us.

Who is the King?

Our Sages said: Joseph heard that his father had arrived at the border of Egypt, and he took all his men with him and went out to greet his father. But isn't it known that all the people go out to greet the king, and the king does not go out to greet anyone?! This teaches you that a person's father is like his king! (Pirkei D'Rabbi Eliezer, chapter 39)

How Far Does the Commandment of Reverence Extend?

Our Sages said: "Even if the son was dressed in prestigious garments, sitting at the head of the congregation, and his father and mother came and tore his clothes, struck him on the head, and spat in his face, he should not embarrass them. Rather, he should remain silent and fear the King of kings who commanded him thus." (Siman 240:3)

Our Sages further stated: Even if the parents took their son's wallet full of gold coins and threw it into the sea before his eyes, he should not embarrass them, nor shout, nor show distress in their presence, nor become angry at them. Rather, he should accept Hashem's decree and remain silent. He should fear and be in awe of the King of kings who commanded him thus, for if a human king had decreed something more distressing than this upon him, he would not be able to refuse. How much more so for the One who spoke and the world came into being according to His will.

Nevertheless, if his parents ask him for his wallet, and he knows they intend to throw it into the sea, he may politely refuse them and evade giving it to them. (Rambam chapter 6:7, Siman 240:8, 186, 485)

Court Proceedings

A son who has a monetary dispute with his father is legally permitted to summon him to a rabbinical court. However, it is advisable to consult with a Torah scholar first, as each case is unique. In any event, it is obvious that the son must be careful to speak with respect and reverence to his father, even if he is certain of his rightness in the case. It is a pious practice for the son not to summon his father to court personally, but rather to appoint a representative to do so. (484, 486. See also the book Faith and Trust by the Chazon Ish, chapter 3)

It is absolutely clear that one may not sue any person in the secular courts that exist today, and it is a Torah prohibition to be judged there. Regarding anyone who sues his fellow in these courts instead of going to a rabbinical court, Maimonides wrote (end of Laws of Sanhedrin): "Such a person is wicked, as if he has blasphemed and raised a hand against the Torah of Moses our teacher. However, if the plaintiff cannot recover what is owed to him through Jewish courts, he should first summon the defendant to a Jewish court, and if he refuses to come, he may obtain permission from the Jewish court, and then he is permitted to litigate in secular courts."

Bathhouse

It is forbidden for a son to bathe together with his father in a bathhouse or mikveh [since they are unclothed there, there is concern about improper thoughts, and it also appears like disregarding reverence]. However, at the beach where they wear swimwear, it is permitted. (383)

If the father is elderly or ill and needs someone to bathe him, the son is obligated to find someone else to do so, even if it involves payment. However, if he cannot find someone else, it is permissible for the son to bathe his father after the father puts on a swimsuit. (398)

If a son is sitting in a bathhouse and his father suddenly enters, the son should stand up out of respect for his father, as explained above. Nevertheless, the son should hurry to leave the bathhouse. (383)

No Stranger Shall Sit on His Throne

A son should not sit in his father's designated place at home, in the synagogue, in a store, in an office, or similar locations, because it appears as though he is equating himself with his father. (Ra'avan, Taz, Aruch HaShulchan. Siman 240 section 2. 334, 337)

Special Chair - If the father has a special chair [that is recognizably his and not like other chairs], it is forbidden for the son to sit on this chair, even if the chair is not in its regular place. (349)

It is permitted to stand on a chair designated for one's father in order to retrieve something from a high place. (338)

Change of Location - If a father has changed his regular place at home or in the synagogue to another location, or has moved to pray in a different synagogue, the son is permitted to sit in his father's previous place, as it is no longer considered his place. (352)

Lying on the Bed - A son should not lie on his parents' bed, and it is proper that he should not even sit on it. (349)

Standing in Father's Place

A son should not stand in a place designated for his father to stand, such as where his father regularly stands during prayer in the synagogue. However, in a place designated for his father to sit, the son is permitted to stand there, and this is not considered disrespectful. (Siman 240 section 2. 334)

If the father is a wise and important person whom people occasionally consult, and he has a special place where he stands when speaking with them, it is forbidden for the son to stand in this place, as it appears that he is equating himself with his father. (Siman 240 section 2)

Standing Next to Father

A son should not stand next to his father during the Amidah prayer, as it appears that he is equating himself with him. However, if there is crowding in the synagogue and the son needs to stand next to his father, he should ask his father's forgiveness, and then he may stand beside him. (See Shulchan Aruch Orach Chaim Siman 90 section 24. 339)

If a son wants to purchase a seat next to his father in the synagogue, it is proper for him to ask his father's forgiveness, since he will need to stand next to him during the Amidah prayer. (See Biur Halacha end of Siman 90)

A son should not stand during the Amidah prayer behind his father, lest his father need to wait to take his steps back until his son finishes his prayer. [It also appears as arrogance, and as if he is bowing to his father.] (340) All the more so, he should not stand in front of his father.

If the father is standing on a slightly elevated place, such as on the bimah of the synagogue, and not on the synagogue floor, the son is permitted to stand right next to him. (339)

Sitting Next to Father

When a father and his friends gather for consultation or similar purposes, the son should not sit next to his father, because it makes him appear equal to his father. Therefore, they should seat another person between them. However, if the father wants his son to sit next to him, it is a mitzvah for the son to sit next to his father. (341. H"E 144)

At Home - When family members sit down to eat at the table, even if strangers are also present, a son is permitted to sit next to his father. Similarly, when traveling together to some place by car, airplane, or similar, a son is permitted to sit next to his father. Especially if he is serving his father, and the father is happy with this, he is certainly fulfilling a mitzvah. (341. H"E 144)

In the Synagogue - If the father's seat in the synagogue is among important people, the son should not sit next to his father, because it makes him appear equal in status to his father. However, if the father sits among the general congregation, the son is permitted to sit next to his father, as this does not display any special status. (341, 343)

In the Son's Home - When a father is a guest in his son's home, the son should seat his father at the head of the table, and the son should sit at his side. (356)

Wearing Parents' Clothes

If a father has a garment that fits his son's size, the son is permitted to wear it, and there is no disrespect in this. (381)

Act According to Your Wisdom

A son who is the rabbi of a synagogue, and is honored with certain duties, such as being called upon to recite the "Counting of the Omer" first in a loud voice, followed by the congregation, and his father is also present in the synagogue—according to the law, he is not obligated to honor his father with this. However, if his father is a Torah scholar, it is certainly proper to honor him to recite it first, unless the father is not comfortable with this at all.

Similarly, a son who has been given an honored place in the synagogue, such as being the rabbi of the synagogue or similar, even if his father sits among the congregation, the son is permitted to sit in his place. This is because everyone knows that the son is the rabbi of the place, and there is no disrespect to the father, God forbid. However, if his father is a Torah scholar, it is certainly proper to honor him to sit in the higher position, unless the father is not comfortable with this at all.

Sitting Respectfully

A son must be careful to sit before his father and mother with respect and proper conduct, as one sits before an important person. Therefore, he should not recline in their presence. Only on Passover night, when there is a commandment to recline, did the Sages permit reclining, because presumably the father forgives his son for the sake of the mitzvah. But throughout the year, a son should not recline or stretch out on the couch with his legs raised in the presence of his father or mother. (344, 345)