Honoring Parents in Judaism: The Commandment of Revering One's Father and Mother

Showing reverence for one’s parents is part of the mitzvah of kibbud av va’eim, a mitzvah so important that it appears in the Ten Commandments. The type of reverence the Torah is describing does not entail living in fear of one’s parents but derives from the deep respect children should have for them. All interactions with our parents should be influenced by these considerations.

What Does Reverence Mean?

Chazal (the Talmudic Sages) compare reverence for one’s parents to how a trusted minister relates to his king. There is love and closeness, but always with dignity. In practice, reverence for parents includes:

Speaking with respect: not raising your voice, not losing your temper, not calling them by their first name.

Care in body language: not lounging or sprawling in their presence but sitting in a way that shows you recognize their status.

Sensitivity to their dignity: not contradicting them directly, not rolling your eyes, not mocking their habits.

How Far Does This Mitzvah Extend?

The Sages used various striking examples to convey the necessity of revering one’s parents even when their behavior is provocative in the extreme. Even if parents act in a way that feels utterly unreasonable, the child must hold back from showing anger and certainly may never insult a parent. That doesn’t mean a parent can demand anything of their children — what it does mean is that the child’s tone and manner should remain respectful no matter what.

For example:

• If a father criticizes his son’s lifestyle choices, the son may explain himself, but should do so gently rather than defensively.
• If a mother repeats a story and gets some of the details wrong, the daughter should avoid blurting out, “That’s not right.” Instead, she might say softly, “I remember it a little differently.”

The mitzvah is about restraining the natural impulse to talk back or belittle.

Money and Possessions

Halachah also addresses financial disputes between parents and children. A child who believes a parent owes him money may pursue repayment through the proper channels, but must still conduct himself respectfully. Ideally, someone else should represent the child, rather than the child himself confronting a parent before an arbitrator.

For example:

If a parent borrows something from her child and damages it, the child should be careful in how he addresses it. A blunt demand such as, “You ruined my phone! That’s $370!” crosses the line. The conversation should remain calm and deferential.

Everyday Scenarios

For Jews just setting out on the path of Torah observance, interactions with their non-observant parents can be complex. This mitzvah plays out constantly in simple daily interactions:

At the table: if your father usually sits in a certain place, don’t sit there yourself without permission.

In their home: if you’re at your parents’ house, don’t treat their couch, bed, or personal belongings as if they’re yours.

In conversation: if you disagree strongly with a parent about religion or lifestyle, don’t argue in a manner that suggests you’re equals. Frame your words with humility: “I see it differently, but I respect what you’re saying.”

In public: don’t embarrass parents in front of relatives, guests, or friends — even if they embarrass you.

When Roles Reverse

Sometimes, as parents age or fall ill, their children need to help with personal care. Ideally, someone else should be hired for sensitive tasks. But if no one else is available, the child may assist, taking every possible step to preserve the parent’s dignity.

A Constant Awareness

The mitzvah of revering one’s parents is not limited to extraordinary cases. It is lived out in tone of voice, in body language, and in the way we handle inevitable disagreements. Parents don’t need to be religious, scholarly, or even “worthy” by worldly standards to merit this respect. The Torah places their honor above all — not because they are perfect, but because they gave us life.