Practical Halacha: Honoring Parents vs. Torah Study

"The commandment to study Torah is greater than the commandment to honor father and mother." (Megillah 15b. Siman 240, Section 13)

We learn this from our forefather Jacob who did not see his father Isaac for 36 years - 14 years while he studied Torah in the house of study of Shem and Ever, and another 22 years while he was with Laban the Aramean. He was punished by having his son Joseph taken from him for 22 years, corresponding to those years he spent with Laban and did not return to his father immediately after marrying Rachel and Leah. However, he was not punished for the 14 years he spent studying Torah with Shem and Ever. From here we learn that "Torah study is greater than honoring father and mother."

If a son deeply desires to study Torah and wants to learn and persevere beyond what is normal for his peers, but his parents are concerned about his health, and the son claims he knows his own strength and can handle the intense study as he wishes - he should gently explain to his parents the importance of this commitment, as it will enable him to rise higher in Torah, and he is not obligated to obey his parents in this matter. On the contrary, his parents should try to provide him with healthy and tasty food to strengthen his body for Hashem's service. Nevertheless, it is good and proper for the son to consult with a Torah scholar who loves Torah and its students and knows him well.

In truth, such parents should dance and rejoice all day that their son's soul so desires to engage in Torah study, especially in this generation where the street entices young people with various temptations. They should certainly encourage their son and do their best to allow him to sit as he wishes and persevere in Torah more and more. This is how many of Israel's greatest scholars grew, through their devotion to Torah, studying it with diligence and great passion, which enabled them to grow and flourish to high levels and peaks. As King Solomon said (Proverbs 27:19): "As water reflects a face back to a face, so one's heart is reflected back to him by another," which our Sages (Yevamot 117a) interpreted regarding Torah, and Rashi explained that according to the face and heart that a person gives to Torah, so he merits to learn and remember his studies. If you toil in Torah - you will find, and if you don't toil - you will not find.

Interrupting Study

If a son is engaged in Torah study, and his father or mother commands him to do something for them, if it is possible for others to do this task, the son should not interrupt his studies, and others should do it. However, if it is not possible for others to do it, and there is also no possibility for the son to do it after finishing his studies, the son should interrupt his studies, perform the mitzvah, and return immediately to his studies when finished. (See Siman 246:18, Yabia Omer Vol. 4 Yoreh Deah Siman 19:2, HE 391)

Without doubt, parents should try as much as possible to avoid interrupting their children from their studies, for there is no greater virtue than parents meriting that their children engage in Torah study. Our Sages already said (Jerusalem Talmud Peah 1:1): "All the commandments of the Torah are not equal to one thing of Torah." The Vilna Gaon explained this means even one word of Torah. However, since the purpose of learning is to fulfill, even though Torah study is greater than the commandments, one should fulfill the mitzvah and return immediately to his studies if there is no one else who can perform the mitzvah. (B 152)

Visiting for Shabbat

If parents ask their son to visit them for Shabbat, it is a mitzvah for the son to go to them and honor them. However, if the parents ask the son to come to them frequently, and this is difficult for him, especially when he knows that at home or in yeshiva he studies diligently, but at his parents' house he cannot study the same way, he should explain to his parents the importance of Torah study and appease them to forgive him for not coming. But if his parents still insist that he come to them, he should consult a wise scholar. (See Mevakshei Torah 279. Some say that if a father requests certain things that are not customary, the son is not obligated. Kibud Horim 87)

A son who benefits the public in his place of residence every Shabbat, and whose parents ask him to visit them for Shabbat, should try to find a replacement and go honor his parents. But if he cannot find a suitable replacement, he should appease his parents and try to visit them on weekdays. If the parents want him to come specifically on Shabbat, he should consult a wise scholar.

May Celebrations Increase in Israel

If parents ask their son to come to a family celebration, and the son is truly sitting and engaging in Torah study, he is not obligated to obey them. But he should gently explain to his parents the importance of Torah study, that there is no greater virtue than it, for Torah study is equal to all other commandments. Certainly, one who wants to merit the crown of Torah and become a true Torah scholar must carefully weigh when to interrupt his studies to attend celebrations and when not to. The main thing is to be careful not to cause any dispute, God forbid. (203)

Fathers and Sons

It is a positive commandment from the Torah for a father to teach his son Torah, as it is said (Deuteronomy 11:19): "And you shall teach them to your sons to speak of them." Nevertheless, if a father did not teach his son Torah, the son is obligated to arrange to learn Torah himself. (Rambam, Laws of Torah Study, Chapter 1, Law 1. Siman 245, Section 1)

Just as it is a mitzvah for a father to teach his son Torah, so it is a mitzvah for him to teach his grandson, as it is said (Deuteronomy 4:9): "And make them known to your sons and your sons' sons." Nevertheless, if there is a possibility to teach only one of them, he should prioritize his son over his grandson. (Rambam, ibid., Law 2. Siman 245, Section 3)

From what age does a father begin teaching his son Torah? When he begins to speak, the father starts teaching him the verse (Deuteronomy 33:4): "Moses commanded us the Torah, an inheritance of the congregation of Jacob," and the verse (Deuteronomy 6:4): "Hear, O Israel: Hashem our God, Hashem is One." And afterwards, he teaches him a little more at a time, until he takes him to a children's teacher. (Rambam, ibid., Law 6. Siman 245, Section 5)

Encouragement and Support

The practice of many parents to promise rewards and gifts to their children to encourage them to complete Talmudic tractates is very important, and their virtue is extremely great. Especially in this generation, where the trials in the street are many to our great sorrow, and reality proves that it is difficult to have a child or young man engage in Torah with great desire and for a prolonged time, unless they are encouraged with prizes and various gifts. It is a great mitzvah to give them rewards, even for their study on Shabbat, and there is no concern at all about the prohibition of Shabbat wages. (As explained in the booklet 'Shabbat in Halacha and Aggadah' Part 2)

Even if the son excels in his studies, it is appropriate and correct to provide him with a private teacher to make him wiser and help him complete many tractates, thus ascending higher and higher in the levels of Torah.

It is told about one of the great rabbis of our generation that when he was a bar mitzvah boy, a wealthy man approached him and spoke with him about completing a tractate every month. At the beginning of each month, he would make a feast for him in the synagogue to celebrate the completion, and give him a sum of money for encouragement. The rabbi related that at first there were small tractates - Beitzah, Ta'anit, Megillah, etc., which were easy to complete in one month, but later he continued with larger tractates, and would exert himself to do his best, studying day and night to complete the tractate by the next new month, and thus he succeeded in completing many tractates. He testified that this study pushed and motivated him to persevere in his learning day and night, and to review and complete more and more, and today, thank God, he is one of the great rabbis of our generation.

Fortunate are the parents who take these matters to heart and encourage their children to study and persevere as much as possible. As long as they do everything with love and affection, with desire and joy, about them it is said: "They eat their fruits in this world, and the principal remains for them in the World to Come."

Personal Example

There is no doubt that the greatest education is the personal example of the parents. Therefore, when a father goes out for a mitzvah such as buying s'chach (covering for the sukkah), the four species, oil for Chanukah, matzot for Passover and the like, he should take his young children with him, to impart to them his joy, fondness, and enhancement of the commandments. (Reishit Chochmah. As explained in the booklet 'The Festival of Sukkot')

Similarly, every person should make sure that his children see him engaging in Torah with desire and joy. Even if he doesn't know how to learn so well, he should learn easier things that he understands, and the main thing is to emphasize to them the desire, joy, and privilege he has to learn Torah. Likewise, he should show them that he goes to Torah classes with desire and joy, so that enthusiasm, joy, and excitement in Torah study will also enter their hearts.

Obligation of Prayer

It is the father's and mother's duty to pray for their sons and daughters to grow up in Torah and pure fear of Heaven, and they should do their best to succeed in this mission. For example, as our Sages said (Shabbat 23b): One who is habitual with the lamp, merits children who are Torah scholars. As it is said, "For a lamp of a commandment and Torah is light," meaning that through enhancing the lamp of a commandment of Shabbat and Chanukah, the light of Torah will come to his home. Therefore, it is a sacred obligation for parents to ensure that the lamp is beautiful, and they should strive to light with beautiful silver candelabra and olive oil, not with simple wax candles. By virtue of this mitzvah, they will merit children who are Torah scholars, engaged in Torah and fear of Heaven. It is very appropriate for the mother to pray after lighting the candles that she and her husband merit children who shine in Torah with pure fear of Heaven and good character traits, because at the time of performing the mitzvah, prayer is heard more. As explained in the booklet 'Shabbat in Halacha and Aggadah' Part 1.