Honoring Parents in Sandak (Godfather) Role and Name Selection

Appointing a Sandak

The common custom among most communities is that when the first son is born, the paternal grandfather is honored with being the sandak, and when the second son is born, the maternal grandfather is honored. Where this is the established custom, a son is not permitted to give precedence to his father-in-law as sandak for the first son against his father's wishes, and doing so would violate the commandment of honoring one's father.

Nevertheless, if there is a valid reason for wanting to give precedence to his father-in-law, such as if the father-in-law is a great and renowned Torah scholar and he wishes to honor him for his Torah knowledge, he may ask his father to waive his honor. If the father agrees, he may then give precedence to his father-in-law. (Yabia Omer 5:21, B 63)

A Grandfather Who Doesn't Observe Torah and Mitzvot - If such a grandfather wants to serve as sandak for his grandson, it is proper and appropriate to convince him gently and delicately that it would be better for a Torah scholar to serve as sandak, so that his positive influence will affect the son favorably and help him become a Torah scholar, and the grandfather can be honored in a different way. However, if there is concern about causing a dispute, they should allow him to be the sandak. It is good to position another suitable person beside him who will position the baby's legs properly to enable the mohel to perform the circumcision effectively, as this is the primary function of the sandak – to assist the mohel. The grandfather will then just hold the upper part of the baby's clothing above the legs. This should be coordinated in advance with the mohel so he can direct this arrangement, and everything will proceed peacefully. (B 68)

Naming

When the first son is born, the custom among Sephardic Jews is to name him after the paternal grandfather, and when the second son is born, to name him after the maternal grandfather. However, if the maternal grandfather has passed away, the custom is to name the first son after him, and the second son after the paternal grandfather. (Yabia Omer 5:21, Even HaEzer 154).

In any case, if the paternal grandfather waives his honor and agrees to have the first son named after the maternal grandfather, such as when the maternal grandfather is a great Torah scholar, his honor is waived, and they may give precedence to the maternal grandfather. (Yabia Omer 5:21)

The custom among Ashkenazi Jews is to name the first son after the maternal grandfather and the second son after the paternal grandfather. The reason for this is that in previous times, it was common for the bride's father to commit to supporting his son-in-law and daughter for several years after the wedding. As a token of gratitude for living with him and being supported by him, they would honor him by naming the first child after him, since they were with him all the time.

Some have the custom not to name children after grandparents who are still alive, but only after they have passed away. If the husband's family follows this custom but the wife's family does not, they may name the first son after the wife's father. (Yabia Omer ibid.)

Two Names - If a child is given two names, the grandfather's name should be given as the first name. (B 81)

One should be careful not to name a baby after someone who died at a young age. Therefore, if the grandfather died young, it is appropriate to give the baby two names, with the grandfather's name as the second name. (B 94)

Uncommon Names - If the grandfather's name is uncommon, or it is a foreign name used in the diaspora that is not commonly used today, and there is concern that the child might be embarrassed by this name when he grows up, it is not appropriate to use it. The Chazon Ish ruled that although naming a child after a relative fulfills the commandment of honoring one's father, if there is concern that the son will be distressed when he grows up, they should refrain from using that name. (B 90)

Names of Wicked People - If the grandfather's name is the same as that of a wicked person, such as Nimrod, Doeg, or similar, one should not use that name at all, as it is written (Proverbs 10:7) "The name of the wicked shall rot." One should explain to the grandfather in a pleasant and gentle manner that it is not appropriate to name someone after a wicked person, since a person's name influences them and derives vitality from the letters of that name. (Yoma 38b, 83b, Rabbi the Ari z"l, B 82)

The Talmud (Yoma 38b) relates: There was a child who was named "Doeg." His father died when he was young, leaving him with his mother. Out of love for him, she would weigh him every day and donate gold to the Temple equivalent to his weight. When the enemies prevailed during the destruction of the Temple, his mother slaughtered him and ate his flesh. All this happened to him because he was named after a wicked man, "Doeg the Edomite," who has no share in the World to Come.

A Grandfather Who Doesn't Observe Torah and Mitzvot - If his name is the same as those of righteous people, such as Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, or similar, there is no concern about naming the son after him, but one should intend that the name is after all the righteous people who share that name. (B 82)

Peace is Paramount - If there are disagreements between husband and wife regarding the baby's name or who should be honored as sandak, the right thing to do is to consult a rabbi and accept whatever he instructs them to do. They should especially be careful not to come to dispute, and everything will be resolved peacefully. (B 70)