Practical Halacha: How to Honor Parents While Observing Mitzvot?

Honoring Parents with Shabbat Candle Lighting

When a mother [of Sephardic origin] is visiting her daughter for Shabbat, and both light Shabbat candles in the same room, since in this case only one person can recite the blessing, the daughter is not obligated to honor her mother by allowing her to recite the blessing over the candles. This is because the primary obligation falls on the daughter who is the lady of the house, while the mother is merely a guest. Therefore, the daughter should recite the blessing and light her candles, while the mother listens to the blessing, fulfills her obligation through hearing it, and then lights her own candles. However, if the daughter wishes to honor her mother, she may do so. (228)

If the mother lights in one room [when given a separate bedroom, away from the rest of the household], and the daughter lights in another room, each one recites her own blessing and lights her candles independently.

This rule applies only to Sephardic women who follow the rulings of Maran in the Shulchan Aruch, who ruled that two women should not recite blessings over candle lighting in the same room. However, Ashkenazic women have the custom that two women may recite blessings in the same room, so both the mother and daughter would each recite their own blessing. (Shulchan Aruch Orach Chaim 263:7-8, and Mishnah Berurah there)

Honoring Parents with Kiddush

When a father is a guest in his son's home on Shabbat, it is proper for the son to honor his father by asking him to recite Kiddush over the wine, and all present will fulfill their obligation. However, if the father does not recite the blessing properly, such as if he stumbles over his words or swallows letters, the son should recite Kiddush himself. Nevertheless, if there is concern that the father might be offended, the son should quietly inform the family beforehand to recite the Kiddush text word by word silently, focusing on the cup in the hand of the one reciting Kiddush, and at the end of Kiddush, they should not answer 'Amen,' but taste a bit of the wine. (358)

If the father is not well-versed in the law regarding the intention to fulfill the obligation of those listening, the son should gently tell his father before Kiddush to have in mind to fulfill the obligation of the listeners, and explain to him that when he recites Kiddush with the intention to fulfill the obligation of others, and the listeners also intend to fulfill their obligation, it is considered as if the listeners recited Kiddush with him word for word.

Honoring Parents with Breaking Bread

When a father is a guest in his son's home on Shabbat, although the Sages said (Berachot 46a), "The master of the house breaks the bread," [so that he may break it generously and distribute large pieces to those at the table], nevertheless, if he wishes, he may honor his father by allowing him to recite the blessing and break the bread. [This is because today we don't insist on distributing large pieces of bread for the entire meal at the beginning, but rather give a small piece of bread, and later whoever wants more, takes more.] (Lechem Chamudot, Ateret Zvi, Magen Avraham, Eliyah Rabbah, Solet Belulah, HaGaRaZ, Mishnah Berurah, Kaf HaChaim and others. 358)

According to Kabbalah, after the head of the household breaks bread for himself, he should immediately break bread for his wife and not for anyone else, even if the other person is an honored guest. However, if his parents are visiting, it is proper to give to his father and wife together. [This was the practice of Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Auerbach of blessed memory, who, when his mother-in-law lived in his home, would give bread to her and his wife simultaneously.] (359) Some have the custom to break a piece for the wife and place it on his hand, then break for his father and give it to him, and afterward give his wife the piece that was broken for her initially.

Honoring Parents with Handwashing

When family members stand to wash their hands for a meal, they should honor the father and mother by allowing them to wash first, and then the rest of the family should wash. However, if the father is uncomfortable washing first because of concern about the interruption between washing and the blessing over bread, or if the mother is uncomfortable washing now because she is busy serving the meal, the children may wash their hands, and the parents can wash afterward. (356)

Taking First

When sitting at a meal or when fruits and delicacies are served to those present, they should honor the parents by allowing them to take first, and only afterward should the children take. And if the mother is uncomfortable with them waiting for her because she is busy arranging the food, they may take before their mother. (356)

Entering First

Whenever parents and a child stand at a doorway, the child should honor his parents by allowing them to enter first. Similarly, when a father and son stand at the entrance to the synagogue, and if the father enters first, the son will lose the merit of being among the first ten in the synagogue, the son should still honor his father by letting him enter first. (Orach Chaim 90:14. Or L'Tzion 2:291. 360)

Sitting First

When a father and son travel together in a vehicle, the son should honor his father by offering him the front seat, unless the father is more comfortable sitting in the back seat. However, if the son has reason to sit in the front seat, such as knowing the route and wanting to guide the driver, he should ask his father's permission to sit there.

Circumcising His Son

If both a father and his son know how to perform circumcision, and in a good and auspicious time a son is born to the son [a grandson], the son need not honor his father by allowing him to perform the circumcision, since the commandment is primarily the son's responsibility, and we have an important principle that "it is better for a person to perform a mitzvah himself than through an agent." Therefore, the preference is for the son to circumcise his own son, not the grandfather. (363)

Covering the Blood

A son who has slaughtered an animal or bird does not need to honor his father by allowing him to cover the blood with earth, since this commandment is incumbent upon the slaughterer himself, and "it is better for a person to perform a mitzvah himself than through an agent." (Chapter 28, Section 8. 363)

Affixing a Mezuzah

A son who moves into a new apartment does not need to honor his father by letting him affix the mezuzot; rather, he should recite the blessing and affix them himself, as "it is better for a person to perform a mitzvah himself than through an agent." (363)

Similarly, one should not divide the affixing of mezuzot, where the son blesses and affixes one mezuzah, and the father or another honored person blesses and affixes another, as this causes an unnecessary blessing, since when one person affixes all the mezuzot, he recites one blessing for all of them, but now multiple people would need to recite blessings. However, the father and son may stand with a mezuzah in each of their hands at different doorways, honor the father by having him recite the blessing aloud to fulfill the son's obligation, and upon completion of the blessing, each immediately affixes his mezuzah at a different doorway. In this way, they can honor additional people according to the number of mezuzot in the house. But as mentioned, it is more proper for the son, who is the homeowner, to affix all the mezuzot, as "it is better for a person to perform a mitzvah himself than through an agent." (Sova Semachot 1:359-360)

Assisting a Father in Performing Mitzvot

If the father is elderly, frail, or ill and cannot go out to acquire the items needed for mitzvot, such as the four species, matzot for the Seder night, and the like, it is a mitzvah for the son to make the effort to purchase these items for his father. However, it is not appropriate for the son to pay from his own personal funds, but rather from his father's funds, since it is not proper to fulfill mitzvot for free. As explained in the Zohar Hakadosh (beginning of Parashat Terumah), which states: "A person should pay the full price for mitzvot with whatever is asked of him, whether much or little, and should never perform a mitzvah for free under any circumstances. For one who performs a mitzvah for free, the Sitra Achra (evil forces) draw sustenance from his mitzvah, rest upon him, and defile him. But one who purchases with his money, pays the full price for the mitzvah, strives with a willing heart for the mitzvah, and walks in the straight path, merits the Divine Presence dwelling within him, sanctifying him, subduing the Sitra Achra, and removing from him bad traits such as anger, pride, forbidden desires, jealousy, hatred, and more." (Charedim, as elaborated in the booklet "Sukkot in Halacha and Aggadah")

However, all this applies to one whose father is elderly, frail, or ill, but a son whose father is, thank God, healthy, even though the son wants to honor and revere his father by taking trouble on his behalf for mitzvot, should not do so. This is because he deprives his father of the great merits earned through the preparation and effort for the mitzvah. As the Sages said, one who personally makes the effort for mitzvot merits righteous children who are Torah scholars, long life, good livelihood, and great benefits for his soul and body, and he and all his household members are saved from all troubles and evil decrees. Therefore, it is most proper and best for the father to go and make the effort for the mitzvah himself. [Only if the father requests that the son purchase for him should he do so.] And if the father is not knowledgeable about the details of the mitzvah, the son should go with him and guide him, and together they will merit all the benefits mentioned above.

Love of Mitzvot

If a seller has, for example, two good etrogim, but one is more beautiful than the other, and both father and son desire to purchase the more beautiful one, the son is permitted to offer the seller additional money for the price of the more beautiful etrog in order to purchase it for himself. This does not constitute disrespect for his father, God forbid, since every person is obligated to fulfill the commandment that Hashem commanded him with as much enhancement as possible. (See Sha'arei Teshuva end of section 658, Lev Chaim Palagi, Chazon Ovadia Sukkot 263. 361. See also the booklet "Sukkot in Halacha and Aggadah")

Honored Aliyah

If a father purchased the third aliyah to the Torah, the son is permitted to purchase the sixth aliyah or the aliyah for the Ten Commandments and the like, even though these are more honored aliyot. However, in places where aliyot are not sold but rather members of the congregation are honored with them, even if the son is invited and called by name, he should not accept a more honored aliyah unless he has received permission from his father. (Radbaz. 363)

The son may be called up as 'Chatan Torah' on Simchat Torah, and his father afterward as 'Chatan Bereshit.' This was the custom of Rabbi Chaim Elazar of Munkatch, author of 'Minchat Elazar,' who would be called up as 'Chatan Torah,' while his father Rabbi Tzvi Hirsch, author of 'Darchei Teshuva,' would be called up as 'Chatan Bereshit.' (Chazon Ovadia Sukkot 475)

Sitting in the Sukkah

If a father is distressed that his son sleeps in the sukkah because he fears the son might catch cold, the son is exempt from sleeping in the sukkah. The reason for this is that the Torah commanded, 'You shall dwell in sukkot,' and the Sages interpreted: 'Dwell as you would normally dwell,' meaning that one should dwell in the sukkah as one would in their home. And indeed, even at home, if his father told him not to sleep in a certain place for fear of catching cold, he would obey. (Responsa Hitorerut Teshuva. 2:184)

Selling Chametz to a Non-Jew

If the parents are not Torah observant and do not sell their chametz to a non-Jew before Passover, the son is permitted to sell it for them to save them from the prohibition of chametz that has passed over Passover. However, it is good to inform them beforehand that he is selling their chametz so that they appoint him as their agent. Nevertheless, even if he did not inform them, he may still sell their chametz for them because "we may act favorably on behalf of a person without their knowledge." As explained in the booklet "Passover in Halacha and Aggadah." (2:39)