Practical Halacha: How to Request Service from Parents?

Requesting Service

A child should not ask parents to perform any service or errand, even for a mitzvah, even after requesting forgiveness for their honor, since it is disrespectful to impose any task on parents or appoint them as messengers for certain matters.

However, if parents voluntarily offer to do something, or when the child clearly knows that parents are happy and willing to do it for them, the child may accept their help. (497)

Preparing Food - A child visiting parents' home should not say to their mother "prepare me something to eat," even after requesting forgiveness, as this speech is in command form. However, if the mother asks, "What dish should I prepare for you?" the child may answer with a specific dish they desire, since she is offering to prepare it. Similarly, the child may tell their mother that they are hungry, or ask if there is anything to eat, and she will prepare food on her own. Nevertheless, in any case, the child should ask for forgiveness and apologize for her trouble. (498)

Salads - When eating together, a child should not ask their father to pass a salad or similar item, but they may express desire for a specific salad, and the father will voluntarily pass it. (498)

Repairs - If a father is skilled in certain repairs, the child should not say, "Fix this item for me." However, they may say, "This item is broken," and if the father wishes, he will offer to fix it.

Childcare - If a child wants their mother to watch their children, the child may tell their mother that they are traveling with their spouse to a certain place, and the mother will understand and voluntarily offer to watch her grandchildren. They may also phrase it as a question: "Would you like to watch the children for me?" (498)

Errands - If a child sent an item for repair to a certain store and knows that their father will be visiting that location, the child should not ask the father to bring the item back. However, they may tell their father, "I sent an item for repair to this store," and the father will understand and voluntarily offer to bring the item. (495, 497)

Mitzvah Messenger - Even for mitzvah purposes, a child should not appoint their father as a messenger, such as asking the father to purchase an etrog for the Four Species or guarded matzot for the Seder night, and similar situations. (497)

As mentioned, if parents voluntarily offer to fulfill their child's wish, or when it is clearly known that parents are happy to do this for their child, the child may accept their service. (496)

His Will Is His Honor

The Sefer Chassidim (section 562) writes: If a son sees that his father is happier when his son says to him "do this," such as when the son walks alone at night and the father worries about this, and the father is happy when the son asks him to accompany him, then the son may say to his father: "If you wish - walk with me," and similar scenarios. However, he should not say this to his father in front of strangers, lest they say the son is subjugating his father. But if the father wants his son to speak to him this way in front of others, the father's wish should be fulfilled.

Sewing and Similar - Even for things that mothers typically do for their children, such as sewing a torn garment or a fallen button, the child should not use commanding language: 'Sew this garment for me.' Instead, they should mention that their garment is torn, and if she voluntarily sews it, this is permitted. They may also phrase it as a question: 'Would you like to sew this garment for me?' as this is also considered as her acting voluntarily, not because the child commanded her. (Rabbi Benzion Abba Shaul, Rabbi Elyashiv, 498)

Clearing the Table - When a mother is cleaning the table after a meal or cleaning the house, it is proper for the child to offer help, which is a great mitzvah. However, if the mother says this is her pleasure and desire to serve and arrange things for her family, they should let her. Especially if during this time her son sits and shares words of Torah at the table, or sings sacred songs at the Shabbat table.

Taking Food from Parents - A child visiting parents who voluntarily bring food and drink may accept it from them after asking forgiveness for their trouble. However, if the father is a 'Torah scholar,' the child should not take from him, to show the father that it greatly distresses the child that the father troubles himself. If the father still insists, the child should ask forgiveness, offer words of appeasement and praise for his trouble, and may then accept. (145)

If a father has a special food item and out of love for his son did not eat it himself but gave it to his son, and now the son wants to give this food to his own child - the grandson, it is not proper to do so. Rather, he himself should eat it and not give it to another.

As told in the Gemara (Sotah 49a): Rav Huna found an exceptionally fine, fat, and fragrant date. He took it and wrapped it in his garment. When his son Rabbah came, Rabbah said to his father, "I smell the scent of a fine date." Rav Huna was pleased with his son and said, "My son, you have purity within you, which is why you could smell it even though it was wrapped and covered. Take this date for yourself." Suddenly, Rabbah's son entered. Rabbah took the date and gave it to his son. His father Rav Huna said to him: "My son, you gladdened my heart with your purity, but on the other hand, you set my teeth on edge, meaning you showed me that your love for your son is greater than for me, as you took from me and gave to him." The Gemara concludes that this is what people say: A father's compassion is for his son, but a son's compassion is for his own children, not for his father.