Honoring Parents: May a Child Ask His Parent for a Favor?

Respecting our parents — the mitzvah of kibbud av va’eim — means far more than how we speak to them. Torah law requires that children (of any age) avoid treating parents like their peers, even in simple, everyday matters such as making requests and asking for their help. The following set of questions and answers will clarify the halachic boundaries and the practical applications of this mitzvah.

Household Tasks and Meals

Asking a parent for food or a meal

A child may not demand food of a parent, or ask for food in a disrespectful manner. A child should not even ask a parent, “Can you make me supper?” Instead, the child can hint (by saying something like, “I’m quite hungry,” or “What time will supper be, do you think?”). If a parent asks a child what they would like to eat, the child may reply honestly. Of course they should also thank the parent for the meal!

At the meal itself

A child should not ask a parent, “Pass me that salad,” and so forth.

Instead, he could say something like, “I really like lettuce with that dressing. Is there any left?”

After the meal

If the mother usually clears the table after the meal, the children may allow her to do so but should offer their help. The same applies to serving the food and any other kitchen tasks.

Chores

If a button falls off a shirt and so forth, even if the mother usually sees to the mending, the child may not say, “Can you sew this button back on for me?”

Instead, he or she might say, “Oh, my button fell off!” or, “I’m really sorry — I tore my skirt.”

Errands, Repairs, and Babysitting

Repairs

If one’s father is a whizz at fixing things, and something belonging to a child has broken, the child may not ask the father to fix it for him.

Instead, he might say, “Oh no! My laptop just had a fit and died. I wonder if anything can be done.”

Errands

If a child needs a certain item from a store, or needs to send an item to someone, and knows that the parent will be going there anyway, he still may not ask the parent to run the errand for him.

Instead, he might say something like, “What a coincidence that you’re going to be downtown at the dry cleaner’s this morning. I was planning to go myself to pick up my own laundry.”

Babysitting

A child may not ask his parent to babysit for him.

Instead, he might mention in a casual manner that he’s planning to go out one evening, and leave it to the parent to make the offer if he or she so wishes.

Alternatively, the child could ask the parent if they would enjoy spending some time with their grandchildren.

When the Parent Wants the Child to Ask

If a child knows that their mother or father would enjoy being asked for their help or for some other favor or assistance, they may ask, taking care to do so respectfully.

For example, an elderly father who was a technician in his younger years might relish being asked to fix an appliance for his child, giving him the opportunity to display his skill and feel useful. This only applies, of course, if the task will not over-tax the parent.

Similarly, a child visiting an elderly mother could give the mother great pleasure by asking her, “You know what, Mom? I have such fond memories of your special mushroom omelettes. Would you mind making me one? When I make them, they just don’t taste as good.”

The mitzvah of honoring parents is about not just respect but also boundaries. Children must avoid treating parents as their peers (or subordinates), no matter what the setting nor the reason. Even when parents want to give out of love and caring, children should take care to accept with gratitude and humility and should never take what their parents give them for granted.