Practical Halacha: How to Fulfill the Commandment of Honoring Parents?

Caring for All Their Needs

"What constitutes honor? Feeding and giving drink, clothing and covering, bringing in and taking out, and doing all things necessary for one's parents." That is, if parents are weak and frail, and cannot eat, dress, or come and go by themselves, the child is obligated to come to them every day, feed them, dress them, and take care of all their needs. If one cannot come to them, they should appoint someone to visit them daily and take care of all their needs, such as cleaning the house, buying groceries, heating in winter, and similar matters. (176)

Seeking Ways to Benefit Parents

A child should do their best to satisfy their parents' minds, making them happy, peaceful, calm, and content. They should gladden their hearts and fulfill their wishes, doing whatever comes from their mouths. Measure for measure is never abolished, so they too will merit worthy children who will bring them joy through their wisdom and Torah study. It is good to look for things to do that will please them. Each child should act according to their understanding of their parents and their feelings, and give to the wise and they will become wiser. (152, 326)

For example: If one knows their parents enjoy a certain food, and they can prepare it, they should occasionally make it for them, and blessing will come upon them. As stated in the Midrash (Genesis Rabbah 72:2) on the verse: "And Reuben went in the days of the wheat harvest and found mandrakes in the field and brought them to his mother Leah." This teaches us how much he honored his mother, as he did not taste them until he brought them to her. The Shevet Musar wrote: There is no doubt his intention was to bring her pleasure and satisfaction, thereby showing his great love for her and his diligence in fulfilling the commandment. (Charedim, Mevakshei Torah 265)

A Cup of Tea for Father

Rabbi Tzvi Kobelsky's honor for his parents was extraordinary. When he knew his father was going to Jerusalem to participate in the hilula of the Sochatshover Rebbe, and there would not be tea as his father was accustomed to drinking, he would call an acquaintance in Jerusalem to prepare a thermos of tea for his father, so that when he arrived, a steaming cup of tea would be waiting for him... (Kibud Horim 21)

Coins for Mother

Since a special minyan for prayer was regularly organized at the Chazon Ish's residence, his mother, the Rebbetzin, would come every morning to pray with the congregation in the adjacent room. The Chazon Ish would take care each day to personally carry the lectern for her to place her siddur on. He would also provide his mother with a few coins to have readily available for giving to the poor and for charity... (Pe'er HaDor Part 2, page 40. Kibud Horim 26)

A Wise Son Makes a Father Glad

A son who knows how to write Torah insights, and whose father enjoys and is happy with this, should try to write to his father about new understandings he has gained, thereby fulfilling a positive commandment from the Torah. He should try to make the writing as beautiful as possible, so that his parents can enjoy his accomplishments. (Kol Aryeh) See the letters of Rabbi Akiva Eiger who wrote to his son: "Why, my son, are you neglecting the commandment of honoring father and mother by not writing a few lines, as it is forbidden for a son to sadden or distress a father and mother." (408)

In Abundance of Counselors There is Victory

It is appropriate to consult with parents from time to time as needed. One should also try to receive their blessing for success, because besides the possibility that their blessing will take effect, there is also the reward of the commandment of honoring and respecting them by consulting with them. This commandment is worthy of protecting him so that he may be saved and succeed. (Rashi Genesis, Mateh Ephraim, Yafeh Lalev. Kibud Horim 87)

Hospitality

The Sages said (Avot 1:15, 3:12): "Receive every person with a pleasant countenance and with joy." All the more so when parents come to their child's home, it is a great mitzvah to receive them with a pleasant countenance and with joy. One should also instruct their household members to treat their parents with proper honor and respect. (237)

Even if parents arrive at their child's home unexpectedly, at an inconvenient time, one should not show them an angry face indicating displeasure with their visit. Instead, receive them kindly and with a cheerful countenance, and thank the Creator for the privilege of this important mitzvah of honoring parents in one's home. If one must leave urgently and cannot delay, they should apologize to their parents, explain that they must leave, instruct family members to honor them properly, and blessing will come upon them.

Showing a Pleasant Face

In all ways a child honors their parents, the main thing is to do so with joy and a pleasant countenance. But if, Heaven forbid, they show them an angry face, even if they feed them the finest foods daily like fattened fowl, geese, quail, and fish, not only do they not fulfill the commandment, but they will be punished for this, Heaven forbid. (Section 240, paragraph 4. 237)

Wasted Efforts

Avimi said: "There is one who feeds his father pheasant and is driven from the world, and there is one who makes him grind at the mill and inherits the life of the World to Come." How so?

There was a case of one who fed his father pheasant [an important and fatty quail] every day. Once his father asked him, "Where do you get all these?" He replied, "Old man, what does it matter to you? Grind and eat, chew and eat." Without doubt, this son was punished for his 'honor' to his father, and was driven from the world, because he spoke disrespectfully to his father and showed him stinginess regarding his meal. On the other hand, there was a case of one who was grinding at the mill and had an elderly father. The king sent for his father to come for the king's service [everyone had to work for a period in royal service, as a kind of tax payment]. The son said to him, "Father, you grind at the mill, and I will go in your place for the king's service, which has no limit, and they will likely humiliate, mock, and beat you there. So it's better that you stay here and grind at the mill, and thus be saved from something worse." This deed earned the son the life of the World to Come, since he honored his father with good words and spoke consolingly to his heart, until his father agreed to grind at the mill. Although he placed hard labor on him, since he spoke to him gently and showed him the necessity of the moment, that they could not earn a living except through this labor, and the father understood that his intention was for good, the son inherited the life of the World to Come. (Jerusalem Talmud. Kiddushin 31a and Rashi there)

Visiting Parents

Part of the commandment of honoring parents is for children to visit them at their home, even if the parents do not need their service. (415)

Each time a child visits their parents, they fulfill a positive commandment from the Torah, since the parents enjoy this. If one can visit them every day, they should do so and blessing will come upon them. (415)

The Chazon Ish Visited His Mother Every Day

When the mother of the Gaon Chazon Ish lived in Bnei Brak in her final days, the Rabbi would walk daily on dirt and sand paths to her house to honor her and converse with her. Sometimes he would stay with her for a long time. (416)

If it is difficult for parents to have visits every day, obviously one should not visit them so frequently. (416)

Even if the son is engaged in Torah study and busy with his learning, he should try to visit his parents at their home from time to time, and be careful to speak with them more often by telephone. (416)

He Shall Not Break His Word

A son who tells his parents he will visit them should be careful to say 'without a vow,' as with any mitzvah matter where if a person says they will do it, even without using the language of a 'vow,' it is considered a 'vow of mitzvah' and must be fulfilled. However, if the son did not say 'without a vow,' but the father told his son that he is not obligated to come to him, the son may not come, and there is no need to annul the vow. (427)

Staying in Touch

Part of the commandment of honoring parents is to maintain telephone contact with them, not like those who only contact their parents when they need something. One should know that every time they call their parents, they fulfill a positive commandment from the Torah, because it is a pleasure and joy for parents when their child calls and asks about their well-being. (415)

A yeshiva student who returns home once a month or so should try to maintain telephone contact with his parents. He should remember that each time he calls, he fulfills a positive commandment from the Torah. (416)