Honor Your Father and Mother - What If Parents Are Strict?

The Gaon Rabbi Chaim Palagi wrote: "I have heard many empty and reckless people who do not fulfill the commandment of honoring father and mother, with the false claim that this commandment was only given regarding fathers and mothers who are pleasant and show affection to their children, and not regarding fathers and mothers who arestrict, who involve themselves in everything, quarrel with their children, and burden them. All their words are empty and worthless, for if this were true, the Torah would not have needed to warn about honoring father and mother, because since they brought him into the world and raised him, fed him, gave him drink, and clothed him until he grew and became self-sufficient, he would already be obligated to honor them. Even if they were strangers, he would be obligated to show gratitude and honor them all his life, due to recognizing the good they did for him in his youth. Our Sages already said (Mishnat Rabbi Eliezer, chapter 7): 'Whoever denies the goodness shown by his fellow is as if he denies the goodness of Hashem.' Thus, the Torah needed to inform us that even if fathers and mothers are harsh and strict, and difficult in their temperament and strange in their actions, nevertheless one must honor them and fear them with respectful fear, and certainly not confront them or cause them distress." (H"E 151)

Fortunate is the person who takes these words to heart and is careful with the honor and reverence of his parents. If, Heaven forbid, he failed in the past regarding their honor or caused them distress, he should ask for their forgiveness and appease them, and commit himself to being careful in the future not to fail. He should increase his study of the laws of honoring father and mother, and he will be fortunate in this world and it will be good for him in the World to Come, for in the place where those who repent stand, even the completely righteous cannot stand. He will merit longevity and good years, in this world and in the World to Come. The Rambam already wrote (Laws of Shabbat, chapter 2, law 3): "For the laws of the Torah are not vengeance in the world, Heaven forbid, but rather mercy, kindness, and peace in the world."

The book Or L'Tzion (Wisdom and Morality 216) writes: "Hashem does not test a person beyond his capabilities, and therefore although generally young men are impatient and lack patience until they marry and their children bring them to patience, they should know that there is no doubt that if it wasn't within their capability to withstand the situations in which they find themselves, they would not have reached such a point."

Even if children did not succeed in withstanding the test and spoke or behaved inappropriately with their parents, the parents should not be strict with them, and certainly should not curse them in anger, for through cursing, harm can come to them and their children, Heaven forbid. See below from the words of the Rambam on the severity of the sin and punishment of one who curses.

If the parents' behavior is unbearable, and the son fears he will sin, it is better for him not to live with his parents and to go elsewhere, so that he does not fail, Heaven forbid. It is good to consult with a wise person. (B 5)

Parents Who Did Not Raise Their Son

Even parents who did not raise their son at all, and gave him to another family for adoption while he was still an infant, nevertheless when the son grows up and recognizes his parents, he is obligated to honor them and fear them, according to all the laws of honoring and fearing father and mother that will be explained further.

Similarly, a son who was born after his mother divorced his father, and the son never had a connection with his father, nevertheless, when he grows up and recognizes his father, he is obligated to honor him and fear him like any person of Israel, even though the father did not labor in raising him at all. (524)

Honoring Adoptive Parents

An adopted son is not obligated to honor his adoptive parents and fear them, according to the law of honor and fear that the Torah commanded for every father and mother. However, there is no doubt that he needs to treat them with respectful behavior, due to gratitude for raising him and laboring over him greatly. (527)

Not to Burden

It is forbidden for parents to burden their children and to be exacting with them regarding their honor, so that it will not be difficult for them and they might fail to obey them, Heaven forbid. (Chapter 240, Section 19)