Laws of Honoring Parents: Who Comes First - Father or Mother?

From the Torah

Every Jew is commanded by Hashem with five obligations toward their father and mother: 1. To honor them, as it is written (Deuteronomy 5:16): Honor your father and your mother, as Hashem your God has commanded you, that your days may be prolonged and that it may go well with you in the land that Hashem your God is giving you. 2. To fear them, as it is written (Leviticus 19:3): Every person shall fear his mother and his father, and you shall observe My Shabbat, I am Hashem your God. 3. Not to strike them, as it is written (Exodus 21:15): One who strikes his father or his mother shall surely be put to death. 4. Not to curse them, as it is written (Exodus 21:16): One who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death. 5. Not to dishonor them, as it is written (Deuteronomy 27:16): Cursed is one who dishonors his father or his mother. [Dishonor means disrespect, even by a gesture with the eyes, and even just in one's heart.] The details of these laws will be explained one by one with Hashem's help.

A Great Commandment

The Rambam writes (Laws of Rebels 6:1): "A person must be very careful in honoring and fearing his father and mother. This is a great positive commandment, to such an extent that Hashem equates their honor and fear to His own honor and fear. Just as He commanded us to honor Him and fear Him, so He commanded us to honor and fear them."

Age of Obligation

Every Jewish person is obligated to honor their parents, whether young or old, whether single or married with children. Even a very elderly person is obligated to honor his father and mother, unlike those who think this commandment is only for young children or single adults. (97, 515)

For the Sake of Hashem

While it is true that honoring parents is a logical commandment that reason compels us to fulfill—since parents brought their children into the world, raised them, worked hard for them, worried about them, and provided for all their needs until they grew up—and any reasonable person understands that they should honor their parents (failure to do so would be ingratitude, which is a terrible trait), nevertheless, one should honor them not because of conscience alone, but because Hashem commanded it, as it is written: "Honor your father and your mother, as Hashem your God has commanded you." (Midrash Talpiot. 82)

Obligation to Learn the Laws

Just as everyone is obligated to learn the common laws such as blessings, Shabbat, guarding one's speech, and so on, so too everyone is obligated to learn and review the laws of honoring and fearing parents. This commandment is constant at all times and is extremely serious. If one does not learn these laws, how will they know how to fulfill them properly? They will stumble in many matters without realizing it. Our Sages said (Avot 2:5): "An ignorant person cannot be God-fearing," meaning that a person who has not studied the laws is considered ignorant of the law, and consequently cannot properly fear sin, since they do not know what constitutes sin or what to be careful about. (81)

Precious young men studying Torah in holy yeshivas, when they leave for vacation periods, should be careful to study and review the laws of honoring parents and be well-versed in them before returning home, so they will not, God forbid, violate Torah prohibitions due to lack of knowledge. (Chazon Ish. 81)

Educational Obligation

Like all Torah commandments, parents are obligated to educate their children from a young age about the mitzvah of honoring parents. This does not involve any concern about pride or pursuit of honor, God forbid, because on the contrary, it is a Torah commandment for children to treat their parents with great honor and respect. Additionally, this teaches them to treat all people with respect and proper conduct. (Meiri. 516)

Equal Rights

In all the laws that will be explained below regarding honoring and fearing parents, there is no difference between father and mother. Both must be honored, and both must be feared equally. Therefore, in the Torah, the father is mentioned before the mother regarding honor [as it is written: "Honor your father and your mother"], and the mother before the father regarding fear [as it is written: "Every person shall fear his mother and his father"], to teach that both are equal in terms of both honor and fear. (Rambam 6:2)

In all the laws that will be explained below, there is no difference between a son and a daughter; both are equally obligated to honor and fear their parents. [The law regarding a married woman will be explained in later chapters].

Who Comes First

Although honoring father and mother is equal, nevertheless, if a child is commanded by both parents, for example, if the father says, "Bring me a cup of coffee," and the mother says, "Bring me a cake," the child should first fulfill the father's request and afterward the mother's request, since the mother is also obligated to honor the father, who is her husband. (Shulchan Aruch Yoreh Deah 240:14)

If the parents are divorced, and the child is commanded by both the father and mother, since the honor of both is equal, and the mother is no longer obligated to honor the father, the child may choose which request to fulfill first. (Section 240:14)

How Much Honor?

There is no limit to the mitzvah of honoring parents, and therefore one should honor them as much as possible. This will merit them long life and good years in this world and the next, success in all matters, and their children will honor and fear them even in their old age, along with many other blessings and benefits from Hashem. (92)

Love for Parents

It is a mitzvah for every person to firmly implant in their heart a strong love for their parents and to love them intensely. Because besides the Torah commandment to love every Jew as ourselves, with our father and mother we must be even more careful in this regard, since the Torah equates their honor to the honor of Hashem. (Zohar, Chayei Adam. 101. See also Shulchan Aruch HaMidot, Love of Fellow Creatures, Halacha section 1)

The Immense Love Between Baba Meir and His Father Baba Sali

The greatness of the admiration and love between the great sage Rabbi Meir Abuchatzeira and his father, the great sage Rabbi Israel Abuchatzeira, is impossible to fully describe, but we will quote a little from the memory records of his son, the Admor Rabbi David Chai Abuchatzeira, who wrote:

"Whoever did not see their meeting cannot imagine the stirring and trembling scene. One falling upon the other in an embrace, with kisses on the head, shoulder, and hand—with complete submission, as a student before his teacher, who does not belong to himself... his face downward in reverence and love, with fear, trembling, shaking, in excitement..."

And so related one of the beloved admirers of the Baba Sali: When Rabbi Baba Meir would arrive at his father's house in Netivot, as soon as he crossed the threshold, he would bow down to the ground. From the door of the house to the sofa where his father Baba Sali sat, Rabbi Meir would accompany each step with a deep bow. And when he reached him, he would kiss his father with dozens of kisses, on the back of his hand and on his forehead, on his shoulder and on the edges of his robe... Only afterward would he sit down, with his eyes lowered to the ground. ("Abir Yaakov" 576)

With Promptness and Joy

When parents ask their son for something, the respectful response is to fulfill their request immediately without any delay. One should fulfill their requests with great joy, alertness, and eagerness, not treating them as a burden or a load, God forbid. This merit will stand for them in this world and the next. (Zohar. Charedim. 101)

Rabbi Ari z"l wrote (Sha'ar HaMitzvot page 1): "Know that for one who performs a mitzvah, it is not enough just to perform it. For we find in the words of our Sages (Kiddushin 39b) who said, 'Anyone who performs one mitzvah is rewarded and their days are lengthened.' Similarly, they said, 'Anyone who fulfills a certain mitzvah receives such and such reward.' Yet we have seen many people who perform mitzvot but do not seem to receive the rewards promised by our Sages, God forbid. But know that the root upon which everything depends is that when performing the mitzvah, one should not think of it as a burden, rushing to remove it from oneself, but rather think that by performing this mitzvah, one will gain a thousand thousand gold dinars, and be joyful in performing that mitzvah with limitless joy, from the heart and soul and with great desire, as if they were literally being given a thousand thousand gold dinars for performing that mitzvah, etc. And according to the greatness of one's joy in truth and with the inner goodness of heart, so will one merit to receive the supernal light. And if one persists in this, there is no doubt that the Divine Spirit will rest upon them. This applies to the fulfillment of all mitzvot, and when engaged in Torah study, that it should be with great passionate desire and intense fervor, as if standing before the King and serving Him with great desire to find favor in His eyes, to receive from Him exceptional greatness and elevation."

Honor from the Heart

One should honor their parents with great appreciation and respect, as one would honor a very important, respected, and famous person. Even if their parents do not seem to have such great qualities, one should still look at their other good qualities, for there is no person without some good quality, and give them the benefit of the doubt. This will make it easier to honor them with respect and dignity, as commanded by the Creator. (Charedim. Mevakshei Torah 220, 262. 101)

Practical Work

Certainly, it is not so easy to reach these levels in honoring parents, but we must try to work on ourselves very diligently, since this is the will of the Creator of the world who gave the Torah, and with His help, we will merit to achieve this.