Finding Light After Darkness: A Journey from Despair to Hope

"I spent more than three years in depression," says Or Shalev, a 36-year-old mother of four. "During those three years, I didn't recognize myself, couldn't function, and was cut off from the world."

She shares her story with pain, acknowledging the difficulty of speaking about that period. She knows it's not trendy to expose such a tough chapter in our glossy world. "But I'm sure if one woman can use my story to pull herself out of a similar situation, it's worth all the exposure and pain," she says, revisiting those challenging years of deep and painful depression.

Deep Depression

"I was diagnosed with depression about two months after the birth of my youngest son," Or shares. "Everyone was sure it was postpartum depression, so I started therapy with a psychologist and psychiatrist. It didn't help; my condition worsened daily until I ended up in the psychiatric ward, hospitalized for four months with a diagnosis of severe clinical depression."

Four months is a long time. What was your experience during that period?

"It was the toughest kind of depression, with a strong desire not to be here and a sense of survival—just survival for the kids waiting for me at home. I knew that if the only way to get back to them was to be hospitalized and take medication, I was willing to do whatever it took, including taking a cocktail of ten addictive psychiatric pills daily, with every possible side effect."

Your four children, including a two-month-old baby, stayed at home during this time. Didn't you miss them?

"It's hard to say this, but I didn't feel any longing. It's unimaginable because until then, I was the most amazing mom. But once I entered the psychiatric ward, something in my soul released control and became apathetic. Subconsciously, I understood I couldn't bear the pain or the thought of it's September 1st and I'm not taking the kids to school. Later, during the deeply familial holiday season, I was still so far away from them. I just disconnected and felt nothing mattered. The kids were young, my eldest was only eight, and when explained that 'Mom's sick and when she feels better, she'll come back,' they didn't ask questions."

A Broken Vessel

Or was discharged in a stable condition but couldn't find her footing. "I felt like nothing was changing," she recalls. "I continued my medication, visited my psychologist and psychiatrist weekly, but still felt terrible. For three years, I was in deep clinical depression, barely functioning, just sleeping all day, not wanting to go out or see anyone. I became a shattered, broken person from someone who once managed everything at home."

"Day by day, I hated myself more because nothing I did helped to rebuild myself. Even following all my doctors' instructions meticulously, nothing worked. I couldn't understand how this was happening when I used to be 'normal.' Even my baby couldn't be raised by me, and my sister took over."

"During those days, sadly, I began drifting away from religion. Coming from a family deeply connected to Hashem, I was raised with the belief that G-d is good. But in experiencing the biggest hardship of my life, even my faith started to fade. I stopped observing mitzvot and became almost anti-religious."

Ironically, it was the COVID-19 pandemic that sparked an unexpected turning point. "My situation worsened, but my parents opposed another hospitalization, so I moved in with them along with my kids," she explains. "My husband wasn't with us, as he returned to work, and suddenly, after a week alone, something awakened inside me. It was the first time I realized the depression might be tied to my toxic and difficult relationship with my husband."

"We were married for ten years, during which I suffered immense mental abuse. But as someone who felt obligated to please and bear everything quietly, I couldn't see it." Or refrains from sharing more details about her experiences. "But I am sure anyone who has been through something similar knows exactly what I mean," she says painfully. "One thing I can note: When I searched on Google to understand what happened, I came across a book called 'Killer Words.' I decided to buy it, read it in tears, highlighting sentences, and repeatedly telling myself, 'Someone has written my life story.'"

"It was the first time I understood that my life wasn't impossible due to my own fault and that there was a way to escape it. This realization sparked a strong decision: 'I will fight and return to life.' Alongside hope, my belief in Hashem returned. I vividly remember that the day I chose to focus on myself, Hashem was simply there for me."

There is Hope

Getting back on your feet and battling in such a situation is not easy, but when it involves depression and severe symptoms, it's much harder. "But I did it anyway," says Or. "I kept telling myself that if I'm in this world and a mother to my kids, both they and I deserve me breaking free. So, I stopped all ten psychiatric medications and built a stable and secure environment for my children and myself."

Or emphasizes that what excites her most about this journey is the rekindled faith. "It was like rediscovering Judaism, accompanying me to this day. From being utterly anti, I returned to my roots and fell back in love with Hashem."

Or experienced professional growth as well, recently completing her psychology studies and starting psychotherapist training. "I have a strong desire to help people, understanding that only someone who has been in the mental health struggle truly knows what others are going through. Now I realize that what I went through wasn’t random, but rather, I have a mission," she explains.

As part of this journey, Or lectures on the subject, advises women, and runs an active Facebook page with thousands of followers. "From the stories I hear and my own experiences, I see how much hopelessness exists in the mental health world," she says. "I was in the psychiatric ward and saw how few manage to emerge and rebuild themselves. My aspiration is to give people hope, show them there's a chance. As my father often tells me: 'You are a walking miracle,' and it's so true because overcoming an addiction to ten medications isn't usual, yet I did it, through hard work and much *siyata d'shmaya*.

"As a professional in this field, I must point out that even in cases where full recovery isn't possible, one can learn to live alongside depression, knowing how to manage it rather than letting it control us. It involves a lot of personal work and strong will, but it's achievable. That's the message I want to share because hope always exists."