The Privilege and Obligation: The Punishment for Disrespecting Parents

Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai said: "Just as their reward is great, so is their punishment great"! (Midrash Shmuel, Chapter 7)

"If a person does not honor his father and mother - harsh decrees come upon him". May Hashem save us. (Tanna Devei Eliyahu Rabbah, Chapter 24)

The Pele Yoetz wrote: There are destructive children who disrespect their parents and cause them emotional pain... Woe to children who cause this to their fathers, woe to them, alas for them. Woe to them on the day of judgment, for Hashem will bring everything to justice - both for transgressing against their Creator and for transgressing against their father and mother and causing them pain. They eat the fruits in this world, as what they did will be done to them by their own children, for the measure-for-measure principle never ceases, besides the principal punishment awaiting them in the World to Come.

"Honor your father and mother so that your days may be lengthened" - if you honor them, your days will be lengthened, but if not - your days will be shortened! Heaven forbid, for this is how the Torah is interpreted - from the positive, you understand the negative. (Mechilta Yitro, Chapter 8)

A Story

There was a man who had a falling out with his parents due to a family dispute and stopped visiting their home. This pained the parents greatly, but they contained their grief. Things deteriorated to the point where when the son encountered his father on Shabbat, he ignored him and didn't greet him with "Shabbat Shalom"!

The father could not bear his pain and embarrassment, and complained to the righteous Rabbi Salman Mutzafi: "What will people say when they see this? What will they think? Oh, the humiliation!"

The righteous rabbi was shocked. He tried to think how to influence the son to improve his ways and change his behavior toward his father. He sat and copied passages for him about the greatness and importance of honoring parents - from the Talmud and Midrashim, from ethical works like "Reishit Chochma" and "Shevet Musar"! When he had prepared these materials, he went to the son and said: "Incline your ear and hear the words of the living God!" The son listened out of respect, but refused to accept the message, hardened his heart and stiffened his neck - he had a dispute with his parents and would not change his ways!

The rabbi said to him: "I have not yet finished reading. Listen to the words of our Sages: 'If you honor them - your days will be lengthened, but if not - your days will be shortened!' And he added: "Punishment is not given without warning. Turn your heart to change your ways by next Shabbat, within three days!"

The days passed, and on the third day, on the holy Shabbat, the man continued to ignore his father. The rabbi saw this and became angry. On Sunday morning, he went to the man's store to rebuke him, but saw that the store was full of customers. Not wanting to embarrass him in public, he said: I'll leave and come back shortly. After fifteen minutes, he returned to find an ambulance leaving the scene with urgent sirens. It was carrying the man, lifeless!

After the seven days of mourning, one of his relatives saw him in a dream, trampling the Ten Commandments... May Hashem have mercy and save us. (Ma'ayan HaShavua Shemot 293)

The Sefer Chassidim writes: If you see wicked people who treat their father and mother lightly, yet still prosper, know that it is to their detriment, so that their punishment will be greater! (Sefer Chassidim 342)

Rabbi Chaim Palagi also wrote: If you see people who treated the commandment of honoring parents lightly, who corrupted and abhorred until they struck and cursed their parents, yet they remain quiet and tranquil without suffering the cup of wrath or afflictions, know with complete faith that by the end of their days they will not escape punishments and afflictions. And if they received no afflictions at all in this world, because Hashem is merciful and compassionate, slow to anger, their punishment will be doubly greater in the World to Come. (Tochachat Chaim, Parshat Toldot)

Jacob and Esau

The Torah and our Sages relate how much Esau the wicked honored his father Isaac. Esau said: "It is not honorable for my father to be served except in royal garments!" Indeed, when he served his father, he would wear his special "fine garments." [These were the garments that Hashem made for Adam, which Esau plundered from the wicked Nimrod.] (Bereishit Rabbah 65)

Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel said: All my days I served my father, but I did not serve him one-hundredth as well as Esau served his father! When I served my father, I remained in my regular clothes, and when I went out, I would go out in nice, clean clothes. But Esau - when he served his father, he served him in royal garments!

How can we understand this? How is it possible that such a wicked person, with corrupt character traits, would honor his father so much?! Isn't the commandment to honor parents rooted in the pure feeling of gratitude, a feeling absent from the hearts of wicked people who feel entitled to everything?! So asks Rabbi Dessler (Michtav Me'Eliyahu Vol. 3, p. 95).

His answer is based on the words of our Sages (Pesachim 113b): Canaan commanded his sons five things: "Love one another, love robbery, love immorality, hate your masters, and do not speak truth."

How can one explain that love for one's fellows would coexist with robbery and selfish, corrupt traits? The Rabbi answers that indeed, a band of robbers must develop a strong regime of loyalty to one another, and readiness to sacrifice for other members of the group. But this loyalty doesn't come from loving kindness, but rather from self-love, because they know they cannot achieve their desires by themselves but only through united forces with people like them, so they must band together and establish a regime.

This is what underlay Esau the wicked's special honoring of his father - not a pure feeling of gratitude, or love of kindness and the like. Just a quick glance in the Torah at the deeds and corrupt traits of this wicked man certainly leaves us no room to "suspect" him of such things. Rather, Esau was aware of human transience - "generations come and go," and "it is a wheel that turns in the world"; today his father needs him, tomorrow he, Esau, will need his sons. He must therefore serve as a living example to his sons of how to honor a father. Moreover, he wants to be his father Isaac's heir and successor, and receive his blessings. Selfish considerations like these and similar ones motivated Esau to honor his father. [Indeed, it's no wonder that he's capable of saying such a disgraceful and horrifying statement: "Let the days of mourning for my father draw near - then I will kill my brother Jacob" (Genesis 27:41). He has no genuine concern and love for his father, but fears that if he plots against his brother Jacob, his father might turn the blessings he gave him into curses, so it's better for him to wait patiently until his father dies... (Ramban)]

Such is Esau's honoring of his father - giving in order to receive, loving others for the sake of self-love. And since he has personal interests, and does it solely for his own benefit, everything is done with the utmost perfection and enhancement!

Hashem does not withhold reward from any creature. After all, Esau did honor his father, so Hashem paid him his reward. However, Hashem did not save his reward for the World to Come, but paid him everything in this world, where he merited honor and greatness during his lifetime. He also merited that his head was buried in the Cave of Machpelah. (Midrash Talpiot, Parshat Kedoshim)

And behold - in contrast, stands the commandment of honoring parents as fulfilled by our father Jacob, in complete opposition. Not out of any personal interest, but the opposite - out of complete self-nullification, even when it could seemingly harm him.

Rebecca says to her son Jacob: "And you shall bring it to your father and he will eat, so that he may bless you before his death" (Genesis 27:10). This command was extremely difficult for Jacob our father. After all, he was the "pillar of truth," the attribute of truth was embedded in his blood, how could he perform such an act of deception, to impersonate Esau and take the blessings from his father through deceit?! Moreover, this could easily be discovered, and then he would completely lose the blessings! As he says: "Perhaps my father will feel me... and I will bring upon myself a curse and not a blessing" (Genesis 27:12). However, when he understood that this was what was required of him at his mother's command, he went and did it with genuine self-sacrifice.

And behold, it was precisely this self-sacrifice for the commandment of honoring parents that indeed nullified Esau's merit, and because of it Jacob merited to receive the blessings from Isaac. As the Chatam Sofer says: It seems that Rebecca did not enter into this matter [of bringing Jacob to his father through deception] except to nullify Esau's merit, and not because of the blessings, for what would she gain by this stratagem? After all, He who sits in heaven laughs, and He knows who deserves to be blessed. Rather, as long as the merit of honoring father was in Esau's hands - it was impossible for him to fall, and therefore she feared that Esau's reward would increase if he honored his father with this important meal, and she sought to snatch this commandment through self-sacrifice for Jacob.